So, if you are new let me catch you up:
1. I hate talking about sex. It makes me physically ill and most days I would rather make a chicken pot pie from scratch.
2. I do not like anything to do with the female genitalia or describing it, looking at it, learning about it, etc., etc. When asked during my first labor if I wanted a mirror I think I said, "HELL TO THE NO." The less I know about the inner workings - the better.
3. I am really not one for small talk (or some days - any talk at all). Nor do I particularly want to debate abortion, gay sex, or welfare with anyone any day of the week.
4. I tend to be a deep thinker - but I really don't have time for anyone else's deep thinking (basically - it's all about me).
So, naturally God in His wisdom and goodness would bless me with Girl 1 (age EIGHT) who:
1. I found at age 2 examining her privates with a mirror.
2. Asks me questions such as: What's gay marriage? And, do you think it's right or wrong?
3. Announced one day before bedtime: I really would like to have a baby someday, but are there any other options besides pushing it out of my body? I'm terrified of pooping on the delivery table.
4. Has, since the age of when she learned to talk and think, become schooled on a series of informational tidbits which have gone on to shape her thinking. I like to call these informational tidbits "Life's Disappointments."
To give you an example of Life's Disappointments (1-17) they include:
1. You can't marry your brother (in most states).
2. Baby's come out of your body - not from the stork.
3. Girls will - have periods, shave their legs, and give birth to babies. Boys will - not.
4. Eyebrow hair does not generally fall out. It may at some point (when sight is no longer possible) need to be waxed and that will hurt.
That brings us to Life Disappointments #16 and #17 which happened the day before yesterday and yesterday respectively. As usual, they caught me completely off guard and frankly unable to appropriately address them.
Life Disappointment #16: Boobs Eventually Stop Growing
I know. Huge shock, right? Well, it's true. And I had to break it to Girl 1 night before last when she told me she wanted to gain some weight. She weighs I think over 20 pounds, is frightfully thin, and eats like a horse. So, I was a little interested the other night when she skipped over to me and said (in her happy voice), "I'm thinking about gaining some weight, momma."
Me: Oh, you are? Why?
Girl 1: 'Cuz I want big boobs.
Now, this caused me some pause and I had to consider how I might answer without damaging her self esteem (turns out my self esteem was in question), not cause her an eating disorder in later life, and provide her with accurate information. Naturally I said:
Well, that's nuts.
Girl 1: It is? Why?
Me: Because - just because you gain weight does not necessarily mean your boobs will get huge.
(Thinking) - sheesh if that were the case momma would be eating chocolate full force.
Girl 1 (looking suddenly crushed and clearly engaged in deep thinking): Well, then how do I get big boobs?
Now, there are many times that as a mother I: mutter things under my breath, seriously veer off-topic and confuse the $hit out of my kids, and bite my tongue in order to avoid saying something inappropriate. This was one of those times.
Me: That's a good question, baby. I guess you are just born with a Big Boob Gene.
(Thinking) - that CLEARLY you will not have.
Girl 1: (looking positively forlorn) Oh. *huge pause* Hmm. Well, momma - when are you gonna get big boobs?
Life Disappointments #17 - We are not Jewish.
After I spent most of the day yesterday mentally recovering from the hard realization that Girl 1 now knows Mom does not have big boobs, the Christmas edition of the American Girl catalog arrived in all its glory. I was positively joyful. The frenzy of making Christmas lists commenced immediately upon the girls opening the catalog - the questions about boob size forgotten entirely.
I noticed after both girls had diligently tabbed pages and circled items that the Hanukkah Gift Set $20 was circled. So, naturally I said, "Baby, did you know you circled the Hanukkah set?"
Girl 1 (practically gushing) - Yes, momma. That's for me!
Me - Ah. Well, did you know it's a Hanukkah Set?
Girl 1 (again, gushing) - Yes! Did you know I LOVE Hanukkah?
Me - Um, no. Hmm. Did you know we're not Jewish?
Girl 1 - (slightly disappointed voice) - Yes. I know. But, I really love Jews. (Me thinking - Well that's a relief. No neo-Nazis here.) I just love the celebration of Hanukkah and I'd like to learn more about Jewish traditions. Can we do that, mom?
Me (desperately trying to think of another Jewish tradition) - Yeah, um. Sure. I think that's great. But, the Hanukkah Gift Set is $20. And, again, just by way of budgeting for Christmas - we are not Jewish.
Girl 1 - Well, I thought about asking Santa for it, but isn't Christmas a Christian holiday? So, I'm not sure how Santa would feel about that. Does Santa give presents for Hanukkah? Is there another Jewish holiday that I could ask Santa for a present for? Oh, momma. I wish we were Jewish so bad.
So, ends #17 the rationale part anyway. What can I say? Sometimes I wish I was Jewish, too. Say a prayer (or whatever) for me that I can handle #18 'cuz it's getting pretty deep in here.