Thursday, January 2, 2014

R.I.P. in 2014

Cue Taps.  Here's what I'm putting to rest in 2014.

1.  Reading top 10 lists for What Not to Buy in 2014.  Mainly because I have just purchased about five of the items on that list. 
  • a new laptop with Windows 8,
  • a new home phone,
  • I just opened a credit card that issues store credit for purchases rather than cash back (and I was quite smug with myself after doing it),
  • I still have cable (the horrors if Marketwatch could see the TV I'm running cable on) (and the VCR that sits on top of it).  Not pretty.
  • a digital camera (shoot me now).
Ms. Day in the Life:  The 80's called and they want their technology back.

Oh, but on the upside, Ms. AnnaMaria Andriotis:  I have short legs!

2.  I'm putting to bed the notion that I am smarter than a sixth grader.  No, I do not know the difference between algae and protozoa and I'm sick of pretending that I might remember and be able to explain it if you give me a second to finish dinner (and sneak over to my laptop).

3.  R.I.P. my memory.  You are being laid to rest.  The upside - hubby can't remember jack either.  True story:  The other day he said to me, "Babe, my memory is like a bad woman."  To which I laughed out loud.  A few days later I said back to him, "I'm still laughing at when you said your memory was like a bad woman."  Hubby looked blankly at me and said, "I said that?"

4.  I'm putting feeling like I'm punishing the earth when I eat meat to bed.  Mostly because that guilt's been pretty well buried since about six months ago and also because yesterday our neighbor, who apparently knows how expensive it is to feed four growing children, gave us a ginormous box of meat.  Happy Carnivorous Guilt Free New Year to Me!

5.  R.I.P. to the notion that my house will stay clean even a few hours after our house cleaner has come over.  I swear to God when a kid in my house drops a gallon of milk on the floor right after the house cleaner has closed the front door an angel gets his wings.  I'm done caring.

6.  And along the lines of keeping the house clean - Rest in peace the notion of cleaning the tools used for cleaning.  WTF?  I'm burying cleaning the vacuum, dishwasher, tub, and washing machine.

7.  Decadent vacations sans children on deserted islands with huge cocktails.  Rest in peace me in a bikini in Isla de Mujeres.

8.  The idea that I'll learn more about wine...or anything about wine.  R.I.P. me as a sommelier in 2014.

9.  The idea that I'll learn more about photography.  I won't.  Not in 2014, not in 2015.  Not on a box.  Not with a fox.

10.  Lastly, R.I.P. teaching this dog to fetch.  Much has been debated during 2013 about whether a dog who cannot fetch is, in fact, a real dog.  Who has a dog that can't fetch???  Me.  That's who.

I'm also putting to bed the notion that I care even remotely about sports.  Except possibly when this happens:

Then I still will not be able to help myself.  Even in 2014.

Happy New Year.


jamiew said...

#5: is that my memory or yours, because I'm pretty sure that happens in my house.
#8: that is the one thing I am sort of good at, so you're welcome.

Monica said...

@jamiew - cheesus h. Christ if the kids don't spill every $%& damn thing right after she's left. it's like the gravitational pull of the earth (in fact I think that's the explanation I gave the other day when they ASKED me what the gravitational pull of the earth meant. my usual thoughts on these kinds of questions: who the hell cares??? ask james.) and, also - I think it's fair to say that one sommelier between the both of us is enough, right?

Mind Margins said...

#5 made me laugh out loud. My daughter used to spill her drink every single time we ate out when she was a kid. Now that she's grown, I'll be damned if she doesn't spill her drink every single time she comes to visit. It never ends.

Monica said...

@mind margins - I'm happy you laughed! TWICE someone in my family has spilled an entire GALLON of milk right after the house cleaner has finished cleaning. seriously? what are the odds?