Sunday, August 10, 2014

It's either writer's block or menopause. Either way I've gained 10 pounds.

Summer is almost over and I've not written a blog post since June 4.  I will not try to explain this except to say, in a move reminiscent of Janet Jackson at Superbowl VIIXIVITIT, I lost my swimsuit bottoms in a public pool shortly after summer started.  I might have PTSD.

After a long pause in blog production there are some things that are bound to annoy the crap out of readers.

1.  Trying to explain why there has been an extreme pause in writing. 

So, let me attempt to explain the long pause in writing.  I cleaned my copper bottom pans.  Jesus.  My lack of tricep muscles are still sore and I think I found the decomposed remains of Jimmy Hoffa under the black burned stuff that was on my pots.  On the upside - I can now taste my food and I will not be mildly embarrassed if Paula Deen chances by and decides to melt me some butter sprinkled with cheese and then salted (under the guise that she is a reformed diabetic racist).

2.  Trying to explain previous blog topics and why they didn't work. 

So, here are some things I have tried to write about in the past month and then after a rereading - promptly eaten the results (which could explain why I've gained 10 pounds).

a.  How Much I Hate Barbie.  Did you know that along with being an astronaut, physicist, hooker, veterinarian, and entrepreneur, she writes books now?  And (surprise) they read a lot like the genius script from Two Broke Girls.  Because I would never believe it unless I saw it, I've included one of the pages from the book that clearly makes me proud to support public libraries through all my fines.  In case the captions look like they're in Chinese (the book was made in China, after all), I've included the (interpreted) script for you below.

Unnamed character:  Barbie!  Ken's here!  Barbie:  Oh no!  I don't have my brain in yet!  Brunette:  Barbie!  Remember, you don't have a brain!  Barbie:  Oh, yeah!  That's a relief!
  And now I think I should be a published (paid) author.

b.  How Much I Hate Insurance. 

Insurance - n.noun
  1. The act, business, or system of screwing.
  2. The state of being screwed.
  3. A means of being screwed.
  4. Coverage by a contract binding a party to indemnify another against specified loss in return for premiums paid unless such premiums go toward a "deductible" in which case the party paying the premiums is screwed out of their premiums and stuck with said specified losses.  (See #1-3.)
  5. The sum or rate for which such a contract insures something or not (See #4).
  6. The periodic premium paid for this coverage.  "Coverage" being a relative term dependent on the amount of said deductible which is relative and rises in relation to the amount in which the paying party is being screwed.
  7. A protective measure.
  8. Bullshit.
Term in use:  I f*cking hate insurance.

c.  My inability to cook even with a recipe.

Here is what I made just this morning from a biscuit recipe:


Y'know how some people have suffered tremendous stress and then go on to like win the Olympics?  Well, I'm kind of like that.  I have suffered the loss of ruining virtually every recipe I've set out to cook and yet I've managed to come out a winner almost every time.

*Eating that idea now.  (And, it's quite delicious I might add.  Score!)*

e.  Like every other female on the planet my hormones are all out of whack.  I think I've narrowed down my afflictions (thank you, WebMD) to either ebola, menopause, a stubbed toe, or a hangnail.  The list of symptoms of menopause is a blog in and of itself (the title of that blog is:  Menopause - Serve Yourself Some More Cake).  I seem to have experienced just a few symptoms (not a comprehensive list) in the time I've had writer's block:  fatigue, depression, hot flashes, mood swings, sudden tears, inability to articulate or write, inability to cook or do laundry, sudden bouts of bloat (although apparently not enough to make the elastic in my swimsuit bottoms hold), gastrointestinal distress (could be related to my cooking?), disturbing memory loss, increased tension in the muscles, and tinnitus (could be due to my kids not being in school?).

3.  Trying to describe how much you have missed your readers.

If it weren't for virtual friends, I'd have no friends at all and I know you guys have all been reading everyone else's superior blogs and having a party without me.  What can I say?  It hurts.

So, I will not try to tell you why I've been gone, what I've been doing instead of blogging, what topics have just not worked, or how much I've missed you guys.  As some guy once said in AA, "Today I am not enjoying life as it occurs.  Today I am blogging about it instead.  I'm not sure when I will do this again and I will not make any promises.  But today I hope you guys will join me."  (Or something like that.)


Shannon said...

Boy child happened to be on my porch when I was reading this. He said that the biscuit fail thing was "actually pretty good". He looked faintly surprised. I don't think I have posted since the kids arrived. Oh well, maybe you can blame it on me, is my lack of boggy motivation contagious.

Anonymous said...

I am totally with you on the insurance thing and Barbies. Pretty sure the same people are in charge of both rackets. And I would totally eat that biscuit. It looks much better than my dog poop cookies.

Monica said...

@Shannon - all my writing is crappy. it's simply a matter of, "is this less crappy than that?" today the biscuit fiasco put me over the edge and in front of the laptop. this is what happened. oh and (cue the crappy music), "I'm gonna miss you when you're gone...." ;o) @whatimeant2say - I've missed you more than words can describe (or at least the words that I am writing). I hope your summer has totally made it worth going back to school! (what does that mean?) (I'm not sure.)

Megly Mc said...

I love EVERYTHING about this post...EVERYTHING. Seriously, I just laughed so hard my kid asked what was wrong. (apparently, I'm generally a joyless bastard)

Cake was the answer to everything before, and thus, still should be.

Monica said...

megly mc - aka joyless bastard - beer also proves to be a worthy answer most of the time. and this summer all the consumed beer seems to have found a resting home somewhere under my boobs and above my ladybits. and also I like the fact that I made you laugh nearly as much as I like nutter butters from little Debbie (and that, my friend, is A LOT).

cb said...

Monica you made my next day since I read this today

Monica said...

@cb - miss you, friend. glad I could make someone's day. :)