8. Barbie scares the Little People

Since I already told you about my premature post-aculation (I *may* have just changed the name of the disease), I thought I'd share another deeply personal side of myself (consider yourself warned).  For a long time I was a staunch Barbie-hater.  So much so that Barbies were not allowed in my home, I forbid, forbode, forgave, forbade my son to ever marry a Barbie, and I told my girls that if they ever became Barbies as grown up women I would write them out of my will (wait, I have a will?) and basically ex-communicate them from my family. 

I don't know where this hatred came from.  I was allowed to play with Barbies as a child.  I really loved them.  In fact, when I tried to make one of my Barbies look more like me by washing her hair (thereby turning it brown) and chopping her some bangs - I am pretty sure my mom was pissed. 

It's not that I am prejudice, either.  Some of my best friends are Barbies............wait a minute.  None of my best friends are Barbies.  Maybe it is prejudice.  Whatever. 

Here's the important part!

Good news:  I have overcome my hate and allowed Barbie into my home.  Bad news:  I still hate her.

Here's why:

1.  She's always naked.  Seriously?  How old is this freakin' girl???  She can't dress herself???  STILL???  She wears me out.

2.  She looks like a hooker, dresses like a hooker, behaves like a hooker, and YET she's a doctor/veterinarian/lawyer/teacher???  I don't get it.

3.  She has unnaturally huge boobs with no nipples.  As a young girl that kind of creeped me out.  Twenty years later as a mother of three girls, it still creeps me out.  It's like an episode of Nip/Tuck meets Extreme Makeover.  Eww.

4.  This may be excessively prudish of me (and, yes, I have been known at times to be an excessive prude), but it still feels weird when Boy Child or Girl 3 see Barbie hanging out.  Naked.  (Because remember #1?  SHE'S ALWAYS NAKED.)  I want to either shield their eyes or quickly run to get Barbie a robe.

5.  She seems to live a charmed life of fashion, a great job, a cool car and house, gorgeous, sleek hair, big boobs (albeit with no nipples - still a teensy bit jealous), and a great profession (doctor, teacher, vet, lawyer).

6.  One size does not fit all.  I'll be damned if Santa didn't spend a gazillion dollars buying Barbie clothes (in the hope that she would STAY clothed) only to find that Barbie is apparently modeled after Sophie Dahl and has had a range of sizes.  This would be refreshing (to know that Barbie actually had weight change in her life span - like actual women) except that the sizes that Barbie has gone from range from -10 to 0.  Good money - DOWN THE DRAIN.

7.  Beach Barbie (who was purchased with some of the Christmas money from Grandpa - which just seems like a sin) has super huge feet.  Damn her.  None of the regular Barbie shoes fit her.  In the dramatic words of Girl 1 (after attempting to cram poor Beach Barbies' Goliath feet into some cute little size 0 hooker pumps):  Mom, she's not normal.  Her feet are just not small enough.  Can I cut them???  Yeah, that girl's not going to need a therapist later.

And the last and probably most important reason that I still hate Barbie:

She got drunk, took her clothes off (not necessarily in that order), broke down the door of the Little People house, and passed out in their living room.  They were confused and more than a little scared.