Tuesday, January 3, 2012

8. Barbie scares the Little People

Since I already told you about my premature post-aculation (I *may* have just changed the name of the disease), I thought I'd share another deeply personal side of myself (consider yourself warned).  For a long time I was a staunch Barbie-hater.  So much so that Barbies were not allowed in my home, I forbid, forbode, forgave, forbade my son to ever marry a Barbie, and I told my girls that if they ever became Barbies as grown up women I would write them out of my will (wait, I have a will?) and basically ex-communicate them from my family. 

I don't know where this hatred came from.  I was allowed to play with Barbies as a child.  I really loved them.  In fact, when I tried to make one of my Barbies look more like me by washing her hair (thereby turning it brown) and chopping her some bangs - I am pretty sure my mom was pissed. 

It's not that I am prejudice, either.  Some of my best friends are Barbies............wait a minute.  None of my best friends are Barbies.  Maybe it is prejudiceWhatever. 

Here's the important part!

Good news:  I have overcome my hate and allowed Barbie into my home.  Bad news:  I still hate her.

Here's why:

1.  She's always naked.  Seriously?  How old is this freakin' girl???  She can't dress herself???  STILL???  She wears me out.

2.  She looks like a hooker, dresses like a hooker, behaves like a hooker, and YET she's a doctor/veterinarian/lawyer/teacher???  I don't get it.

3.  She has unnaturally huge boobs with no nipples.  As a young girl that kind of creeped me out.  Twenty years later as a mother of three girls, it still creeps me out.  It's like an episode of Nip/Tuck meets Extreme Makeover.  Eww.

4.  This may be excessively prudish of me (and, yes, I have been known at times to be an excessive prude), but it still feels weird when Boy Child or Girl 3 see Barbie hanging out.  Naked.  (Because remember #1?  SHE'S ALWAYS NAKED.)  I want to either shield their eyes or quickly run to get Barbie a robe.

5.  She seems to live a charmed life of fashion, a great job, a cool car and house, gorgeous, sleek hair, big boobs (albeit with no nipples - still a teensy bit jealous), and a great profession (doctor, teacher, vet, lawyer).

6.  One size does not fit all.  I'll be damned if Santa didn't spend a gazillion dollars buying Barbie clothes (in the hope that she would STAY clothed) only to find that Barbie is apparently modeled after Sophie Dahl and has had a range of sizes.  This would be refreshing (to know that Barbie actually had weight change in her life span - like actual women) except that the sizes that Barbie has gone from range from -10 to 0.  Good money - DOWN THE DRAIN.

7.  Beach Barbie (who was purchased with some of the Christmas money from Grandpa - which just seems like a sin) has super huge feet.  Damn her.  None of the regular Barbie shoes fit her.  In the dramatic words of Girl 1 (after attempting to cram poor Beach Barbies' Goliath feet into some cute little size 0 hooker pumps):  Mom, she's not normal.  Her feet are just not small enough.  Can I cut them???  Yeah, that girl's not going to need a therapist later.

And the last and probably most important reason that I still hate Barbie:

She got drunk, took her clothes off (not necessarily in that order), broke down the door of the Little People house, and passed out in their living room.  They were confused and more than a little scared.


jamiew said...

Wow, Barbie parties hardcore!

Monica said...

precisely why she should scare you. but, she doesn't. so..........you scare me? ;o)

Organic Hispanic said...

Barbie has toddler feet.

Mindy said...

Omg! I'm still laughing! Btw - is she missing an arm?! Lol barbie had a rough night!

Monica said...

Yes, barbie does have toddler feet. @Mindy - no, Barbie has all of her limbs. i think. i think it's just the way she is sprawled out drunk on the living room floor that makes her look one-armed. glad it gave you a laugh.

Hines-Sight said...

I had no idea that Barbie was not one size fits all.

Funny! That picture is so true. That's what they look like a lot. Why is that little girls leave them naked?

Monica said...

@leigh - you'd think since they are fashion divas they would WANT to be clothed. but, no. they seem to like hanging out naked. Beach Barbie MIGHT be the only one with abnormally large feet. AND her feet are FLAT. it's just weird....and super frustrating. ugh.

Anonymous said...

LOL! Hysterical! I love the drunk Barbie pic!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - barbie not only provides great blog fodder, she poses well. ;o) thanks for the read.

Mind Margins/Run Nature said...

I'm a little late to the Barbie Party on here, but I'm laughing my a%@ off. My little sister was the biggest Barbie fanatic of all time. She had EVERYTHING Barbie: house, car, wardrobe, EVERYTHING. My only goal in life was to torture the Barbies. We stuck pins in their boobs to give them nipples. We melted Midge's face against a light bulb and said she had cancer. We even had Gay Ken, because one of his legs was shorter than the other (no offense, gay people), who later turned into Cross-Dressing Ken because he kept stealing Barbie's clothes. She didn't need them anyway--like you said, she was always naked!