Premature post-ulation. And future avoidance.

I know I already posted today and that might have been a little premature.  Embarrassing, but true.  I suffer from premature post-ulation.  But, don't worry - I'm on medication.  The side effects make me sarcastic, impatient, bitchy, gaseous, and unkind but I haven't prematurely posted in about a year so I think it's working.

Enough about my medical conditions.  My post earlier was about my one nano-second of fame when I was in the BlogHer sidebar.  The bad news:  I am still a Little Person.  No one has called me to offer me a book deal.  In fact, no one has called me period (because that would be gross and weird).  Sorry.  I am rambling.  The good news:  I logged onto Facebook and it appears that resolutions (collective gag) are all freakin' over the place.  Sample of Facebook (in the form of random people's status updates - and my comments...JUST KIDDING - I'm not that rude!):

What are your resolutions?  Who cares?
Resolutions?  No, I'll take a beer.
Already screwed up my resolutions!  I could have guessed you would!
Resolutions SUCK!  Or, is it the person making the resolutions?

Vomit.  I know.  So, how is this good news?  Because it is blog fodder and might provide subject matter to totally make up for my premature post earlier.

I, personally, could care less about resolutions but it seems other people are obsessed with them.  So, I had a brilliant idea.  I am going to make resolutions for other people.  I'm going to start small since this is kind of a daunting task.  My family is coming first (as it should, right?).  I'm only doing three each (remember low expectations = goals met).  Here goes!

Boy Child - 10
1.  I resolve to put my dirty clothes in the dirty clothes basket not on the floor one inch away from the dirty clothes basket, or under my bed, or in the corner of the dark closet.
2.  I resolve to bring my lunch box home everyday and not leave it at school for days on end (like a two week holiday) so it can grow mold and smell like an old sock in #1.
3.  I resolve to speak respectfully and kindly to all members of my family (and friends and strangers) especially my sisters.  "Speaking respectfully" will not include terms such as:  fart, turd, booger, poop, pee, noogie, wedgie, or wet willy.

Girl Child - 8
1.  I resolve to be less dramatic.
2.  I resolve to be less dramatic.
3.  I resolve to be less dramatic (unless it involves an actual drama class).

Girl Child - 7
1.  I resolve to cry in a less high-pitch tone so that every dog in the neighborhood does not cock its head to one side and hike its ears up a notch.
2.  I resolve to interact with my three year old sister in a way that does not cause her to scream at the top of her lungs.
3.  I resolve to ignore the Boy Child when he cannot keep his third resolution (which will be in about five minutes).

Girl Child - 3
1.  I resolve to be a human not a vampire and stop biting people in order to suck their blood.
2.  I resolve to learn to read, write, and do math so that I can enter kindergarten one year early and mom can get a j-o-b.
3.  I resolve to have patience with Boy Child and Girls 1 and 2 when they can not keep their resolutions and I want to scream at the top of my lungs (or bite or pull hair).

Hubby (I saved the best till last.)
1.  I resolve to pat my wife kindly on the head (and go directly to retrieve her a beer) when she is having a meltdown about:  Hot Flashes, Migraines, The Kids, The Economy, Life in General, or me.
2.  I resolve to say (loudly and eagerly), "How about we go out to eat?" when my wife looks at me in desperation and screams, "I DON'T KNOW," after I have patiently and kindly asked, "What's for dinner, babe?"
3.  I resolve to update my Facebook status every hour on the hour.  (Just kidding, babe, if you are reading.)  I really couldn't think of a third one for you since you are already perfect to me.  (If you are still reading, sorry!  Gratuitous brownie point getting that I might need when #1 happens later on tonight.)

As with all my "resolutions," I reserve the right to amend them at any point for any reason!

P.S.  I have decided to chuck the idea of a parenting book (What the hell do I know about parenting anyway???) and focus all of my attention on a book entitled A Year In Other People's Resolutions or The Year I Decided to Change Everyone But Myself.