Friday, January 20, 2012

Don't give me a toothbrush. It's for your own safety.

I had planned on bringing you a Happy Birthday To Me post today about the woman who married her iPhone and then gave birth (I read that on a grocery store check-out mag.  They're all true, right?), but that fantastic and terrifying post is going to have to wait.  This post is hot off the press and includes the following disclosure:

Please excuse any typos, grammatical errors, and just plain $hit that don't make sense in this post because it is being sent from my decaffeinated brain.

So besides the usual awesomeness that is January, I have been dealing with some minor pain for the past few weeks.

Without violating any HIPAA regulations or sending you to poke your eyes out with sharp sticks, let's just say I've had an unusual pain that's made me want to wear a metal bra and not engage in any hugging that involves people whose heads come up to my "chest" area lately.  I had said "pain" checked out first with a delightful mammogram and then yesterday with a visit to my friendly and competent M.D.

Turns out I have a condition that although it requires further tests, appears benign and harmless.  Of course, I am imminently grateful and happy about this news.  That's the good news.  Here's the bad news.  My doctor was going over the results of my mammogram and examination.  When I asked what the treatment for my condition was she said simply, "Well, we'll have to wait until the further testing is done, but it can usually be managed with dietary adjustments."  It was when I said, "Like what?" that she *may* have looked like the devil.  She asked, "Well, do you consume a lot of caffeine?"  Of course like any person faced with a threatening doctor who is looking more and more like the devil, I lied and said (or more like gulped), "Yeah.  A little."  She then delivered the horrifying news, "Well, you might have to give that up." 

In case you don't know me, let me just say - I love coffee.  We have a long and strong relationship.  Here are the reasons why I love coffee:  1.  I love coffee.  2.  There are only three things I love as much as coffee - beer, dark chocolate, and Pinterest (Oh, wait.  Did I forget God, my hubby, and my kids?  Yes?  Oh, well.), and 3.  Coffee is my BFF.  So, when my usually friendly doctor said I might have to give that up it was kind of like she said, "Well, you might have to cut off your right arm."

This news came yesterday around 4:30 p.m. and I decided to plunge right in and go cold turkey.  I have a good friend with whom I texted back and forth about my new challenge.  Because we have worked out the details (such as who will be my sponsor and the fact that I will probably need an actual 12 step program), I wanted to share this with you.  This *might* become a huge part of my blogging - my journey through rehab! 

If I was technology competent (or possibly had a fertile iPhone) I would insert our actual text screens right now.  Since I can't do that, I am just going to type out what we texted and you will get the picture (no pun intended).  Please excuse the typos (it is TEXT after all), and I have crossed out the irrelevant or self-incriminating parts (thank me later, friend).

Me:  stolen K-cups.  bad news:  I *may* have 2 make a "dietary adjustment" 2 help w soreness....GIVE UP CAFFEINE.  SAY WHATTHEF???

Friend:  Oh dear gawd!  Plze don't say u have to quit booze, too?!?

Me:  no.  i didn't even ASK.  but, there goes the new keurig.

Friend:  What about coffee benefits, like depression, heart disease, sanity, the health and safety of others around you?!?  De-caf?  Hot cocoa?  Do you need a 12 step to take you down slowly?

Me:  Hello, my name is Mxnxca.

Friend:  I'll sponsor you!  But only if I can score some free coffee at the meetings.

Me:  God grant me the serenity to change the people I can and ignore the rest.  Amen.

Friend:  Can i pin that?

Me:  Yes, but you have to pay me the royalties.

Friend:  Once you quit coffee, you'll have tons of extra money.

Me:  We are so clever we should be famous.

Friend:  I'll be the "source close" to you when you go AWOL from coffee rehab.  "yes, we all knew it would be hard for her, but we didn't expect her to assault the nurse with her toothbrush.  it may be time for a true intervention."

So, that's my birthday story, bloggy friends.  After finishing this post I have decided that since I have such a long journey ahead of me, I am going to start rehab tomorrow.  Right now I am going to brew myself a nice hazelnut blend!  Technically is this my first relapse?  I say "no" since I haven't really started yet!  So, have a great weekend and wish me luck............tomorrow!


Nomads By Nature said...

Try vitamin E. Been known to help. Hoping all tests come back in your favor for caffeine and no further issues!

Monica said...

thanks, nomads! me, too. :o)

Shannon said...

OMG I had to give up caffeine during Zo and C's pregnancies due to the tachycardia and I'm telling you it almost killed me. Hang in there. And ummm.....Happy Birthday??

jamiew said...
steps one through 3: check
step four: sounds like a blog post

Jae said...

I did quit coffee, entirely, for about 4 months. So, having more de-cafinated time than you, I feel I am the perfect sponsor. :p Are you ready to admitte you are powerless, and do you feel you can give your coffee up to a higher power?

Oh! And Happy Birthday!

Monica said...

@shannon - well, so far i am a miserable rehabber. i am drinking a lovely cup of vanilla flavored k-cup something or other right now. :o( i may have to find other measures. @jw and jae - girls, i may need MORE THAN ONE sponsor. or should i say, CLEARLY i need more than one sponsor???

Shannon said...

Can you do decaf? At least it would taste like coffee, more or less.

Hines-Sight said...


Switch to tea and see if that helps even though tea does have caffiene. I get fibroids sometimes, and it has helped.

Monica said...

Leigh, i drink tea already...after i have tanked out on coffee. :o( i love coffee, tea (cold and hot), and chocolate. let's just say i *may* have to make some changes! thanks for the kind words! xoxo.