Monday, January 2, 2012

Premature post-ulation. And future avoidance.

I know I already posted today and that might have been a little premature.  Embarrassing, but true.  I suffer from premature post-ulation.  But, don't worry - I'm on medication.  The side effects make me sarcastic, impatient, bitchy, gaseous, and unkind but I haven't prematurely posted in about a year so I think it's working.

Enough about my medical conditions.  My post earlier was about my one nano-second of fame when I was in the BlogHer sidebar.  The bad news:  I am still a Little Person.  No one has called me to offer me a book deal.  In fact, no one has called me period (because that would be gross and weird).  Sorry.  I am rambling.  The good news:  I logged onto Facebook and it appears that resolutions (collective gag) are all freakin' over the place.  Sample of Facebook (in the form of random people's status updates - and my comments...JUST KIDDING - I'm not that rude!):

What are your resolutions?  Who cares?
Resolutions?  No, I'll take a beer.
Already screwed up my resolutions!  I could have guessed you would!
Resolutions SUCK!  Or, is it the person making the resolutions?

Vomit.  I know.  So, how is this good news?  Because it is blog fodder and might provide subject matter to totally make up for my premature post earlier.

I, personally, could care less about resolutions but it seems other people are obsessed with them.  So, I had a brilliant idea.  I am going to make resolutions for other people.  I'm going to start small since this is kind of a daunting task.  My family is coming first (as it should, right?).  I'm only doing three each (remember low expectations = goals met).  Here goes!

Boy Child - 10
1.  I resolve to put my dirty clothes in the dirty clothes basket not on the floor one inch away from the dirty clothes basket, or under my bed, or in the corner of the dark closet.
2.  I resolve to bring my lunch box home everyday and not leave it at school for days on end (like a two week holiday) so it can grow mold and smell like an old sock in #1.
3.  I resolve to speak respectfully and kindly to all members of my family (and friends and strangers) especially my sisters.  "Speaking respectfully" will not include terms such as:  fart, turd, booger, poop, pee, noogie, wedgie, or wet willy.

Girl Child - 8
1.  I resolve to be less dramatic.
2.  I resolve to be less dramatic.
3.  I resolve to be less dramatic (unless it involves an actual drama class).

Girl Child - 7
1.  I resolve to cry in a less high-pitch tone so that every dog in the neighborhood does not cock its head to one side and hike its ears up a notch.
2.  I resolve to interact with my three year old sister in a way that does not cause her to scream at the top of her lungs.
3.  I resolve to ignore the Boy Child when he cannot keep his third resolution (which will be in about five minutes).

Girl Child - 3
1.  I resolve to be a human not a vampire and stop biting people in order to suck their blood.
2.  I resolve to learn to read, write, and do math so that I can enter kindergarten one year early and mom can get a j-o-b.
3.  I resolve to have patience with Boy Child and Girls 1 and 2 when they can not keep their resolutions and I want to scream at the top of my lungs (or bite or pull hair).

Hubby (I saved the best till last.)
1.  I resolve to pat my wife kindly on the head (and go directly to retrieve her a beer) when she is having a meltdown about:  Hot Flashes, Migraines, The Kids, The Economy, Life in General, or me.
2.  I resolve to say (loudly and eagerly), "How about we go out to eat?" when my wife looks at me in desperation and screams, "I DON'T KNOW," after I have patiently and kindly asked, "What's for dinner, babe?"
3.  I resolve to update my Facebook status every hour on the hour.  (Just kidding, babe, if you are reading.)  I really couldn't think of a third one for you since you are already perfect to me.  (If you are still reading, sorry!  Gratuitous brownie point getting that I might need when #1 happens later on tonight.)

As with all my "resolutions," I reserve the right to amend them at any point for any reason!

P.S.  I have decided to chuck the idea of a parenting book (What the hell do I know about parenting anyway???) and focus all of my attention on a book entitled A Year In Other People's Resolutions or The Year I Decided to Change Everyone But Myself. 


Organic Hispanic said...

Bravo, you nailed it. Do you need a beer to cool the hot flashes.

Shannon said...

I have a resolution for you, pick up the phone at least once this year and CALL ME! Number hasn't changed since before Jakarta.

Anxiously awaiting my restolutions. I am too lazy to make them this year. And Dave said "Get out Malawi" isn't a resolution. SIGH! I don't see why not, it was working for me.

I am taking your kids resolutions for my kids. All of boy child's resolutions work for his blond brother with the change of the word sister to the word brother. Those two are so alike it is scary!

GIrl 9 resolutions will work just fine for my boy 11. Drama queen, that one.

And most of girl 7 works for boy 7, is it that age do you think?

Love ya! Miss ya!

Monica said...

Thanks, babe! And, yes, I'll take that beer. @shannon - hahahahahaha. note to our collective selves: do not allow a marriage between your drama queen and my drama queen. i could think of a million excuses as to why i don't call, but suffice it to say - i am not a phone talker, remember? xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

Anonymous said...

I love the second title. I think that's definitely going to be a bestseller. And I really love your post title, too!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - thanks. i seem to be getting worse and worse at parenting, so i think the resolution book will do a much better job of securing my retirement.

Anonymous said...

I checked out your blog and was not surprised to find it entertaining and extremely well written - kind of a blend between Erma Bombeck and Patrick Mc Manus (humorists long before your time). Three observations: 1) you are a very talented writer 2) you are a very good mama 3) your children's teasing ability is probably a dominant genetic trait observable in their grandfather, and aunts and developed and refined to a high degree by their mother at a very young age!! Love, JIM

Monica said...

@JIM - wow. i am delighted and overwhelmed that you have read my blog. *speechless* hoping to recover in time for my next post. THANK YOU and happy new year. (i must disagree with you on the teasing, though. i rarely tease my children and would be surprised if they knew Sarcasm. i blame their father and his genes for this.) ;o)

Leigh Powell Hines said...

Love the resolutions for the kids.

Oh, and the beer. That's why I have the resolution to exercise more so I can drink beer.

Monica said...

@Leigh - amen. beer and dark chocolate will carry me through 2012. thanks for the read. :o)

Jill said...

Stopped by from Shannon's blog - Your post title caught my eye and I had to come over and say hello. You are a crack up! Nice to see some wit around here these days. :)

Monica said...

@Jill - thanks! so happy you stopped by. love, love, love shannon. :o) we are old friends from her old haunt. come back anytime. happy new year!