Friday, December 9, 2011

Dear Santa, Would it be too much to ask?

Every year, typically around the 16th, I get asked what I want for Christmas.  This is usually after all the cookies are baked and decorated, presents are bought and half of them are usually wrapped, school Holiday parties are attended, recitals are done, Christmas clothes are purchased (and if we are lucky - matching!), tamales are ordered, cards are sent (well, mostly), token gifts for the neighbors are ready to be passed out (If you are a neighbor reading and you don't get one of those, remember: this blog is mostly true.) etc., etc.  And my usual answer is:  I have everything I want.  Oh, vomit, right?  So, this year I decided to veer greatly of course.  Without being prompted about two weeks ago, I made and submitted (To hubby - I don't fully trust Santa because he wears those shiny, white gloves.) this list:

(Carefully not numbered to avoid sounding greedy.)
  • bras (Because when do we, as women, not need those?)
  • panties (Ditto and preferably not edible or crotchless - ew!  Sorry.)
  • a Keurig coffee maker (No, I don't already have one of those.  If you would like an address to make donations to make this a reality - let me know!)
  • make-up that is not crusty because I am pretty sure that's not how make-up is supposed to be
  • slippers - the warm kind with animal bodies (Not real animals - don't call PETA.  Although, since I have never tried the real animal kind I cannot really speak against it.)
  • a nice, big purse (one that holds snacks, feminine products, deodorant, cologne - that I'm getting - a styling brush, a spare pair of panties - FOR THE KIDS, wipees, etc.)
  • cologne
  • work-out clothes
  • new pajamas
  • fashionable boots
  • a winter coat
  • a stapler that I don't have to smack each time I staple something
  • a decent pencil sharpener (yes, I still use pencils)
  • a lot of James Avery jewelry
  • accessories (any kind, really)
Even now as I look back at this list I am surprised at how shocking it is - to me.  Now, here's the part that is really shocking.  I have purchased nearly everything on the list already!  Shame on me!?  Possibly.  I am still thinking about it.

But, here's the REAL reason for the post.  Sorry.  I am in a meandering sort of mood.  THIS is the list that is not being submitted because it is truly too much to ask..............for even SANTA with his white, shiny gloves.

(And yes, I numbered this one so that just in case Santa is one of my blog readers he won't think I am too greedy.)
What I Would Really Like for Christmas

1.  Sleep.  Like for a long time.  Till I am ready to get up.  AND THEN, no talking until I have had as much coffee as I would like (Keurig coffee or Starbucks).  AND THEN, my breakfast brought to me.
2.  Weight loss without exercise.  I really hate exercise. 
3.  A call from a publisher offering me a million dollar advance on my parenting book..
4.  Calorie-less beer that tastes great and actually combats bloating and aging.
5.  A personal bartender (that looks like Johnny Depp and brings his own liquor - because liquor is not cheap).
6.  A personal assistant who while doing all my crap for me also teaches me how to do it for myself (kind of like the whole teach a girl to fish thing) so that I can eventually say goodbye to him (cause personal assistants are a little creepy) and voila I am an assistant to MYSELF.  And if this person could make me crafty and able to do all home improvement that would be great, too.  (AND if he has to look like Johnny Depp, too, that's cool).
7.  To be like Samantha from Bewitched and have all the Christmas decorations put themselves away after Christmas by just crinkling my nose or snapping my fingers.
8.  Ditto for making my kids behave.
9.  World peace (See Santa - I am not a total schmuck.)
10.  Big boobs and flawless skin (Okay - maybe I am.)

I've been mostly nice this year, so we'll see how it all works out.  Update on the 26th.  Be merry, friends!


jamiew said...

sometimes I think we are the same person...cutting and pasting lists on my letter to santa.

Monica said...

@jamiew together we might make one complete, perfect (well damn close) being.