Monday, December 10, 2012

Don't expect a thank you card and my restrooms aren't that clean either.

So, Christmas always make me feel like an underachiever.  Which I am.   So, I guess Christmas is like honesty?  Anyway.  Here's the short list.

1.  I got a Christmas card from some dear friends today and it is cute, clever, and their family is gorgeous.  I was shocked and a little disappointed to find out people still send Christmas cards.  Shocked because I have seen more than one poll on social media (oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone said "social media") lately that asked whether it was kosher to said out electronic Christmas cards (see what I just did there).  Disappointed because the guilt is laid for me to send out cards now.

Anyway.  My Christmas card (if they actually make it out before Christmas) is going to be a (most likely illegal) reprint of the photo I paid five bucks for at our church this past Sunday.  It's all four kids with Santa.  Boy child wouldn't wear the coordinated outfit I had selected for him, Girl 1 doesn't believe in Santa so she's eyeing the Santa suspiciously, the Santa is Mexican, Girl 3 is smiling but in a different direction than everyone else, and did I mention I paid only five bucks for the photo?  If I'm feeling merry I will put a saying on it.  If not, it will say "Merry Christmas!"

2.  Girl 1 and I went running the other day and I asked her if she still believed in Santa.  Now, maybe this was self-serving, but it's over now so who cares?  She said (not her exact words because my memory is a sieve), "Well, you better tell me if there is a Santa or not before I have kids of my own because that would really stink if I relied on Santa and didn't buy any presents and then there was no Santa.  Right?  Because then my kids wouldn't get any presents and it would be my fault.  Do you know how bad that would be, mom?"  Good point.  I'm all about honesty, so I just told her the truth (no, not that there really is a Santa if you truly believe or whatever).  After I came clean with all the lies I've told over the years (I felt a little like I'd been to therapy) she said, "Well, I never really believed it.  I mean flying reindeers, mom?  Come on.  Who made all that stuff up anyway?  Seems like whoever it was they could have done better than that."  Is she my daughter?

3.  I can't keep a restroom clean during the holidays to save my life.  Every blessed day it's like World War III in there.  We have about 8000 trees in our backyard and every year around this time our backyard is like a horror movie about leaves.  I sweep a small leaf bag up in my house daily and daily I consider using a leaf blower inside instead of a broom.  The bathroom is the worst.  Not only is it normal bathroom yuck (remember six people regularly use the bathroom downstairs plus friends) but to make it worse, there are leaves and mulch all over the floor.  I have my Christmas scenter in there and my Christmas soap, but people it's just not working.  My mother would be appalled.

4.  I believe in thank you cards, but I just never write them.  I know, I know.  Again, my mother would be appalled.  She firmly believed in thank you cards.  And, in theory, so do I.  I am so thankful.  In my heart.  But, on paper - it's a whole other beast.  First you have to find the cards.  Then you have to find the time to write the cards.  Then you have to remember who gave you what (because I never remember to write that stuff down).  Then you have to mail or deliver the cards.  Both of which can be problematic.  Stamps.  Memory to remember to give the cards to the people.  Are you tired?  Because I am.  So, here's the deal.  Feel free to send me all kinds of Christmas presents.  Just know you are never going to get a thank you card.  But, I will be so thankful in my heart. 

5.  Every year for the past few years we have gotten a couple of gorgeous plates of Christmas cookies.  How do these people do it?  Here's how Christmas cookie making in my house usually goes.  I spend hours on Pinterest and the internets searching for fabulous cookie decorating tips and ideas.  I finally make the cookies and have all these grandiose ideas of how I am going to decorate them.  The kids sense I am going to try and do something fun by myself and they come from miles to get in on my alone time.  I end up making a lot more frosting because half of theirs ends up on the floor, in their mouths, in their sibilings' hair, and on the furniture.  They manage to eat, "decorate," destroy, or break almost all the cookies then they scatter like cockroaches when I tell them it's time to clean everything up.  I end up too tired to decorate the two cookies that remain so I just slap some black (because that's the only color that's left) frosting on them and call it a day.  Hubby comes in and says, "What are you doing?"  I say, "Oh, just decorating Christmas cookies."  He says, "Why did you do the trees black?"

Honesty people.  It's the best policy.  I'm going to stop blogging now and try and work on my pirated 2012 Christmas cards. 

Try to have a great week.


jamiew said...

i'm only sending cards to people who send me cards this year, so far it's been 4 and i only made 20, so don't send me one just in case i get an overstuffed mailbox full of fluffy mostly overachiever type sentiments. consider this your xmas card. ho ho ho.

Cassandra said...

I make cookie platters for people who want to lie and say they made them. 25 bucks for 3 dozen cookies wrapped cute in a disposeable platter for gift giving and parties (shameless plug! Pointless too, since you are an entire timezone from me. come see my cookies anyway at or my blog I am a terrible bathroom cleaner. I will do 80% of it, but i REFUSE, yes i used all caps, to clean the shower. My husband can do that. If he doesn't it will not get done.
I have some asshole trees in my front yard that have been tracking leaves. I swear they come in my themselves when no one is looking. I have resorted to having everyone remove their shoes in my entry way.
I haven't recieved a single xmas card. Well i guess that isn't true. i got one addressed to the previous resident (my dad) so let's just call it mine now. Too bad I have know idea who the people are that sent it. lol I suck.

Cassandra said...

*no idea. I have "no" idea, not KNOW idea. *facepalm*

TNMom said...

I have a thank you card for my cousin riding around in the back of my car. It's been there over a month. I have seen her 5-6 times in that period of time. I guess I should just stamp and address it and mail it, as it does not seem it will ever get to her this way.

Monica said...

@jamiew - i see what you did there, ho! @cassandra - it was really windy yesterday and i was delighted that that took care of my job for awhile. until i backed out the driveway. there was a homeless shelter right next to the garage. made out of leaves. *SCARY* i am going to check out your cookies now (after which time i am sure i will feel significantly worse). @TNMom - i am so happy to hear i am not the only one that rides around with thank you cards. seriously? what's the f*cking point?

Anonymous said...

I haven't even started my cards, yet. Last year, they never went out. No one seemed to notice, so I might try that same strategy this year.

You are hilarious, and I think your daughter 1 takes after you. I love her reasoning for why you needed to come clean about Santa!