Saturday, August 11, 2012

With friends like these, who needs cable?

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.  And I'm not talking about when I wish I was Johnny Depp's lover or Angelina Jolie ( that the same person?), or Martha Stewart.  (Okay.  You got me.  I never wish I was her.)  I'm talking about when I wish I was one of my closest friends.

No, this is not going to be a post about how I want to live in their houses (half of them live in the exact same house I do, except with better furniture), or how I am in love with their husbands (we are a quirky neighborhood, not Desperate Housewives), or how I wish I had their well-behaved children.  (Ha!  They don't have well behaved children either!)  No, I just wish the ridiculously funny $hit that happened to them happened to me every once in a while so that I would have some good blog fodder.

What I am about to tell you is a true story, but if you are like me there is no way you are going to believe it.  And, if I didn't have Boy Child and a smart phone - I might also have more than a shadow of a doubt.

Card carrying PETA members this is not the post for you.  Do not say you were not warned. 

True Story That I Wish Had Happened to Me (but just *kinda* because it freaks me out a whole lot, so if it had happened to me I am not sure I would have even lived to tell about it).

Now, if you were here when I wrote about carrying a machete to the crapper because of irrational fears, you know that some National Enquirer stuff has happened right here in my neighborhood to people I know.  You also know that I am not a fan of and possibly deathly afraid of small, furry rodent type and actual rodent animals.  This includes all kinds of squirrels, rats, mice, opossums, raccoons and basically any small animal that moves on the ground and is not like a cat - and some cats I am deathly afraid of.

Many of my friends live in the same neighborhood I do and frequently we pass each other driving - either in and out of our neighborhood - or on the main street out of our neighborhood that leads to the main street that leads to the highway that gets us the hell out of dodge.  You get the picture.

So, when we pass each other it's common for us to wave, honk, or text (from the safety of our final destination - and I don't mean hell - because texting and driving is illegal...and dangerous).

I wasn't at all surprised last Friday when I passed my good friend, Sin (not her real name, just what we call her...and I'm pretty sure it's not spelled like that), on the road.  I wasn't even surprised when I saw that she had texted me shortly after.  What did surprise and disturb the hell out of me when I bothered to read her text and view the accompanying photo a few hours later, is what the text said:

TEXT (Sorry, I wish I had screenshot so that you could experience this fully, but I'm too lazy to download it.): 

Are you on Butch Cassidy Road behind a family with a dead rat on their window?

ACCOMPANYING PHOTO (which almost made me vomit).

See the dead rat right at the lower part of the back window???  WTF?  Right?
Now, I think when I saw the photo I must have let out some kind of squeal or something because right away Boy Child (who has an uncanny ability to hear any audible sound I might make when I am reading a text, but cannot hear when I am screaming for him to get off his iTouch) said, "What momma?  Who is it from?  What's wrong?"

And, because I was in a state of shock after seeing some random rat on some freak's window I said, "This is some freaky stuff right here on my phone, son.  Ms. Sin just sent me a text and it said, (and then I read it to him) and here is a photo of a DEAD RAT on someone's window???  WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THIS MEANS???"

Right away Boy Child (who is like a police officer/detective) said, "That's really weird mom because when we passed them on Butch Cassidy Road I saw something weird and long on the back window of their car and I thought it kinda looked like a rat, but then I thought why would someone have a dead rat on their window, so I thought it must have been something else."

And literally (as crazy as this sounds) with that ridiculous run-on sentence/explanation I calmly put down my cell phone, went about my business of putting the kids to bed or whatever it was I was doing, and didn't give the Dead Rat On A Car Window another thought until yesterday morning.  (I guess you could say I didn't give another rat's a$$.  See what I did there?)

That's when Sin called me.

We had a great ten minute conversation on the phone and suddenly she said, "Oh, hey did you ever get my text with the dead rat photo?"

I immediately traveled back in time (not literally, just in my head) to the text and said, "Uh, yeah.  That was super disgusting.  What the hell was it?"

She said, "Did you not see it in real life when you passed us on the road???  On our car???"

Me:  Uh, NO.

Sin (cackling):  Well, it was on our car.

She proceeded to tell me the story of how her beloved cat (not beloved by me because if I want a dead rat, I will kill my own) brought her yet another bird and when she wasn't that amused killed her a king size rat and decided to put it on her car (because that's where we put things when we want to show our love).

After her whole family examined (not too closely) the dead rat on their car, my friend, Sin, got a stick with which to push it off the car and dispose of it. 

Now, mind you, it's hot down here in Texas.  Last Friday I think it was somewhere around 120 degrees in the shade.  And she was damned when she found that the dead rat was stuck to the window.  Literally stuck. 

"Like chewing gum.  There was no easy way to get that sucker off without touching it with my bare hands and I'll be damned it I was gonna do that."

So, the family called a quick family meeting and made a *reasonable* decision to drive that thing off.

Now, this is not a trend that I am aware of, but due to the prevalence of cats down here in South Texas and the heat, which does not seem to be letting up one bit, it might just turn into a trend for people who find prizes from their cats in the form of dead rats stuck to their cars like bubble gum.

It took quite a lot of driving because apparently he was a stubborn dead thing.

And eventually it took a little more than driving (I will spare you the details on that one).

When Sin finished telling me this story, I was torn between laughing hysterically and being deeply disturbed.  All I could muster was, "Cheesus.  That is one hell of a story."

I.  cannot.  even.  imagine.  Nor do I want to.  If any cat of mine put a dead rat on my car, he'd need those nine lives of his.  And, seriously, do I need TLC with this kind of entertainment right at my fingertips?

So, I guess what I am saying is that #2 on the list (right below "Carry a machete to the crapper.") is:  Do not allow defenses to go down and children to con me into getting another cat no matter how much I might want the story.

The end.


Mind Margins said...

We Texans do crazy things, don't we? It seems perfectly sane and natural to me that one would attempt to DRIVE a dead rat off their windshield than clean it off. I suppose this could also apply to possums, raccoons, rattlesnakes, armadillos, and cougars, if one is truly desperate. Just be sure to start driving before it's truly baked on.

Monica said...

@mind margins. yes. let's say it's a texas thing. then it doesn't sound nearly as strange. like when my neighbor put some chicken legs (not the kind that are ready to be eaten, but the kind that have just been killed) out on the fence to "dry." that must be a texas thing too. and if there were any of the animals you mention dead on my vehicle i would do just that. carefully get in the truck AND DRIVE.

Cassandra said...

One time my cat went out and caught a mouse. the kids were al like "OH MY GOD!!! KITTEH HAS A MOUSE!!!!" So my husband went out and smacked her until she dropped it. Then he just left the mangled mousie on our patio. It must have had some sort of spinal injury because it was pushing around in feeble circles. It had an audience of three from in the house; my son, daughter and I. so i tell hubby "please, put it out of it's misery!" so he goes outside and drowns it in a pumpkin bucket- you know the ones from mcdonalds? It was handy you see. Then we had to spend ten minutes explaining that you don't just drown animals for no reason. good times.

Monica said...

@cassandra - that story is hysterical in a ohmygeethatdidn'tjusthappen kind of way. our demon cat that is now living out another life with someone else (i guess) NEVER brought us anything dead. nor did he seem to care for killing birds or the few mice he ever saw. it's almost like that kind of cat behavior was beneath him (or at least that's what i'd like to think). for THAT - i loved him and miss him (a teensy bit).

Anonymous said...

That is SERIOUSLY the weirdest story I have ever heard! You cannot make this stuff up. Yuck, yuck, yuck! Gross!!!!!!!!! But, OMG Funny!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - i thought the dead squirrel in the toilet was the weirdest story-come-true i had ever heard (and partially seen) until this happened. seriously this neighborhood could do stand-up for the iron-stomached.

cb said...

what kid of crazy people do you know

Monica said...

@cb - hahahaha! we know ALL kinds of crazy people. ;o)

Shannon said...

Gagging and snorting laughter at the same time. Sin is a very good spelling for that particular friend. And I'm afraid I would have taken he nasty thing to the Wash Bucket. I don't think I could touch it even with a stick.

I am now REALLY wishing I had posted a pic of the rat Dave found in our compost heap instead of the pictures of the SecState visit form a couple of weeks ago. When you look at the pics please know that Gray is the on directly in front of Hilary with his hands behind his head looking far too relaxed to be that close to her. Zo is wearing a shirt with flames and Colin is wearing blue plaid (because that was the shirt he was wearing when I said get out we are leaving now. He changed clothes like 7 times trying to find *just* the right look.)

Monica said...

@shannon - oh my gawd. it's times when there's a dead rat on the car that i miss you the most, friend. it was HI-larious. best. story. of. the. summer. hands-down. although jw also told me a doozy yesterday that it will take me a while to figure out how to blog. miss you dearly. and i am headed over now to see my famous little boys. love those boys. xoxo