Thursday, August 9, 2012

No one gave me personalized toilet paper. I'm kinda disappointed.

So, last Saturday hubby and I completed 22 years of marriage.  Yeah, I know.

As hubby would say, "It feels like five minutes....................underwater."

Ha-ha, hubby.

They've been mostly good.

But, that's not the point of this post.  The point of this post is anniversary gifts.  Remember them?  Maybe you are the kind of woman that gets tons of great gifts all the time for everything from your anniversary to Flag Day.  Or, maybe you are more like me and gifts are rare in your home and usually you buy them for yourself.

At any rate I just wanted to share this website with you and let you know that I'm kind of disappointed no one looked at this website before my anniversary so that they could have surprised me with personalized toilet paper.  Because personalized toilet paper is special and says, "You are so awesome I want to wipe my a$$ with you."  (Literally.)

After perusing this website, it's clear to me that after about one year of marriage the gift ideas *might* get a little thin.  Here's just a sampling of what they offer and why I think they are a teensy bit nuts.

1.  Hot Air Balloon Ride Experience the tranquility and romance of a hot air balloon ride over the beautiful countryside.

Embrace the serenity as you float effortlessly thousands of feet above the ground then enjoy a traditional champagne toast upon landing.

There is nothing like soaring through the sky in a hot air balloon. It makes an incredible gift!

Not only does that make me vomit a little in my mouth,  I sincerely hope that whoever purchases this knows his/her spouse well because I am not sure of the statistics, but I am fairly sure I have seen more than a couple of Nightline episodes about spouses being pushed out of hot air balloons. 

2.  First Anniversary Personalized Magazine Cover  Seriously?  Notice that this is First Anniversary because they are the only people on the planet that could possibly pull this off without seeming completely ridiculous and self-centered (and we all still would probably want to vomit in our mouths  - I wanted to just looking at that couple on the advertisement and I don't even know them).  BTW - these are the same people that video tape the birth of their firstborns and mail it out to friends and family.

3.  Daily Dose of My Love Jar of Messages in Mini-Envelopes.  Reminders of your love! Jar of 31 personalized messages in mini decorative envelopes for the recipient to open each day or anytime they need a smile. Pre-printed themed messages also available for an additional charge. 

"Daily Dose of My Love."  It's a good thing I know that this website is fairly "family" friendly because I don't think my hubby is the only one who would have a field day with that verbiage.

Secondly, how lovely that they also offer blank messages for those who would like to do them themselves. 

After 22 years of marriage (most of them good), mine might read:

Babe, remember to change the light bulb outside that's been out for about a month.  Happy Anniversary!  xoxo

Babe, could you put the batteries back in the smoke alarms in case we have a house fire (from my cooking)?  BTW - Happy Anniversary!  Love you!

Babe, the house cleaner is coming today, so could you kindly pick up your "unmentionables" from the bathroom floor.  Forever yours (on our Anniversary)!  xoxo

His might read:

Sweets, do you think you could remember to buy the razors I've had on the list for about a month now when you go to Costco?  Thanks!  Love you!  When's our anniversary again?

Baby, where is my wallet?  xoxo!  Is today our anniversary???

Babe, my credit card hasn't been working.  Did you forget to pay the bill?  (Again?)  (We might need some good credit for our anniversary dinner!)  Love you lots!!!

4.  I Can't Promise Sign.  I just find this one confusing.  If you are celebrating an anniversary I am just going to assume you were married at some point and that you took some vows that required you to promise some stuff.  I *think* (it's been TWENTY-TWO years and my memory is bad) those promises were something about loving you for the rest of your life (and my own?) regardless of weight, money, health, stretch marks, unruly kids underfoot, etc.  So, here's what this sign says (see if you can figure it out):

I can't promise that I'll be here for the rest of your life...but I can promise that I'll love you for the rest of mine.

Now please know that hubby and I having been together for 22 years have weathered some friends' and family members' separations and divorces.  So, here's what that anniversary sign says to me, "I might leave your a$$, but know that I will be pining for you (and possibly stalking you) with my new man my whole life.  Happy Anniversary!" 

Nothing says "love" like that!  I guess!

5.  Kinky Sex Scratchers.  Okay.  Need I say more?  Do I need to say "scratch" and "sex" in the same gift title?  No.  I don't.

6.  Personalized Judith Masterpiece.  If you don't click any other link - click this one.  And be frightened.  I really don't want hubby to open his anniversary present and be all, "AGHHHHH.  JESUS!  A little warning would've been nice, babe."

I had almost had it with this website when I stumbled upon this.  Now, hubby doesn't drink.  But, I do.  And if you know me well, you know that beer is my drink of choice.  Black Leather Beer Holster?  Why not?  So, my friends:  Happy Twenty-Second Anniversary To Me!  Thank you!


Anonymous said...

Hmm. The personalized art from my voice sounds intriguing. I would like to buy one that represents me saying, "I am never co-purchasing a mattress with you again, Cap'n Firepants. But I love you anyway. Most of the time."

Mind Margins said...

Happy anniversary! What a great post! I can totally see myself ordering something from here in the future. Thanks for the laughs, and the great gift ideas!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - i definitely think the mattress is the golden key of your relationship and it's worth a personalized art piece. @mind margins - thanks. isn't that a great website. if you click through the pages it just gets better and better.