Sunday, August 5, 2012

Stop being happy and start being skinny!

Occasionally something comes out of my mouth and I gasp because it is my mother.  And she is dead.  Now, you know I loved/love my mother dearly but there are some wacky things that used to come out of her mouth that quite frankly I have never understood.  Here are just a few:

1.  A stitch in time saves nine.  But, I can't sew.
2.  Idle hands are the devil's work.  But, what if your hands are busy stealing?
3.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.  I'm sorry.  I just don't understand that.
4.  The early bird gets the worm.  But, we all know if you are a worm, sleep late.  (I *might* be a worm.)
5.  Curiosity killed the cat.  That's just wrong.  And besides, cats have nine lives and idle hands.
6.  (And this gem when she would find out that someone was mad at someone else.)  Well, now so-and-so has another job.  Getting unmad.  I actually semi-understand and like that one, but have updated it to a gem that one of my amazing blog readers taught me:  You can get unmad in the same pants you got mad in.
7.  Measure twice.  Cut once.  What do you do if you suck at measuring and cutting?
8.  I am the mother.  That's why.  Now, this is a good one that although I do not understand I use on a regular basis.
9.  Frowning takes more muscles than smiling.  Excuse me.  What the WHAT?

A few days ago, Girl 1 threw a mother-loving fit and then was pouting for a good four hours. 

Suddenly out of NO where (except possibly the after world) this came out of my mouth, "Y'know, frowning takes more muscles than smiling."

She silently looked at me with a look that said, "What in the &*%$ are you talking about?" 

And she actually did that while she was frowning.

And then I looked at myself (without an actual mirror, I mean I just examined my soul) and thought:

What in the &*%$ am I talking about???


And I've known this fact since I was a CHILD???


I have been on a mission this summer to "count calories." (And I mean this in the loosest sense possible, like for example: A fruit smoothie probably has less calories than bacon, hash browns and scrambled eggs.)  Along with the counting calorie mission, I've been diligently trying to use all my muscles on a regular basis because I was doing research on calorie burning and some professional on the internets said that using the same muscles over and over will not burn as many calories as changing up your routine.  So, I have been a working out/calorie counting slave.

And here I had haphazardly stumbled on a diet gold mine

Why am I trying to use different muscles everyday working out?  I just need to be less happy and frown more.  And I could be using more muscles. 

I think my ma *might* be trying to communicate with me from the other side to let me know:  Exercise is for the birds!  Not smiling is the key!


I am ready to start my new program!  Sign me up!


Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

My Mum's favourite one was always "If you keep doing that and end up in hospital, I don't have time to come visit you!" I spent most of my childhood convinced that if I ever ended up having to go to the hospital, I'd be there on my own.

Monica said...

@kellie - hahahaha! my hubby says that. AWFUL. and you reminded me that ma used to say, "don't do that your fill-in-the-blank will get stuck like that." ha! thanks for the read and comment. :o)

Leigh Powell Hines (Hines-Sight Blog) said...

That's funny. I"m right there with you on the calorie counting. For the birds....

Monica said...

@leigh - i have been doing really good this summer (aside from the trips we've taken where i've eaten whatever i've wanted), but i am in no way precise. i just kind of guesstimate on the calorie thing. it's worked out okay. i am fitting much better into my clothes. ;o)

Anonymous said...

I think there is a problem with this logic, as I frown all of the time, and I am definitely not skinny!

Organic Hispanic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - i was logged in as my hubby when i left you the last comment. so, here i am as me: i am going to invent something to lose weight and eat whatever we want. soon as i figure it out.

Mind Margins said...

The meanest thing my sister and I could ever say to each other is, "You sound just like Mother." It's the ultimate slapdown. I wonder if my daughter says the same thing to her brother. Probably!

Monica said...

@mindmargins- ha! well, my sisters and i say that about our mom, but usually it's the highest of compliments. with my own kids, i KNOW it will be the lowest of lows! hubby and i tell each other "you sound just like your mom" when it's really bad. ;o)

Shannon said...

Exactly how many beers had you enjoyed before you came up with this piece of logic? On the up side I am not really exercising since I managed to mess up my knee. No idea what I did, and as long as I don't stress it (i.e. running, jumping or anything involving Jillian Michael's videos) I am ignoring and hoping it will get better. No interest at all in a medivac to South Africa to get it checked out. In spite of that and the fact I ate everything in sight during Teri's visit I am down to the lightest I have been since before I got pregnant with Alonzo. No idea at all why, but I need to order smaller pants, or a belt.

My mom's favorite "Your face us going to freeze like that." Ugggh.

Organic Hispanic said...

@shannon - omg. did you see my comment about my mom saying that too??? your face is going to freeze like that! love it. wow! congrats to you and with no diet or exercise! that is fabulous. i just ate triple delight off of the kids' piano teachers' parent's food truck and it was awesome. then i had to have some dark chocolate (of course - because what else is good with chinese?). omg. i will need to do more exercise tonight than i had planned.

Monica said...

@shannon - damn it that was me. i keep signing into ed's account and forgetting to sign out. i am sybil.

LSS said...

OK - I don't remember mom saying, "Measure twice, cut once," but I got enough of that from my (former) husband. As an artist who cuts as an art form, I NEVER measure, and the artwork frequently turns out different from what I thought but seems to take a shape of its own as we go ... the definition of creation (in my mind), and I'm content with that!