Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I like big bots and I cannot lie...

 I will never be nominated for Mom of the Year.  Nor will my husband ever be nominated for Father of theYear.  Mainly because I parent from Venus and he parents from Mars and this leads to consistent inconsistency.  One day an infraction might get you a shushing, the next day that same infraction might get you a flogging.  Not only do I admit it, I recognize it as a major factor in why my kids are NUTS!

Generally I am okay with this knowledge.  I know what I have and 99.9% of the time I like it.  If my life were in the form of an SAT question it would be:  Sarah Palin is to comedians what My Kids are to My Dabbles in Writing.  Fuel for the fire.

Then sometimes I meet a modern day June Cleaver  and my whole vision of what I know as My Insane Yet Funny Life is called into question.

I had a mother (name not disclosed to protect her innocence) in my home over Christmas.  She was accompanied by her two lovely, quiet girls - ages 1 1/2 and 2 1/2.  Did I say her girls were quiet and well behaved?  She and I chit-chatted and things were going quite well.  Her kids were amazingly well behaved and my kids were...........upstairs.  Then my kids came downstairs.  While I politely wanted to say,

I said in my Scarily Quiet Mommy Voice, "I am still talking to Ms. Mommy With Well-Behaved Children so please entertain yourselves QUIETLY until we are done." 

My kids got out Dora Candy Land and proceeded to play nicely....for about two minutes.  Then what erupted was a wild ruckus that was so crazy that even looking back on it now (an easy TWO weeks later) I can only tell you my face contorted into something like this:

I wanted to scream and whip out the straight jackets and suit my kids up.  I am pretty sure there was a flying Dora piece, random screaming, and a few punches flown. 

AND whatever I tried to do to squelch the wild behavior was like gas to fire.  Before I knew it I felt heat growing up my stomach to my neck.  I could feel my face turning red and it was burning with shame.  I found myself mumbling crazy things like, "They haven't napped,"  (hello - they haven't napped in like 8 years???), "My son is really hyper," "It's raining," "Sometimes they react negatively to...........................................air." 

This sweet mother with two well behaved girls spoke not a word, but the look of horror and astonishment on her face said it all. 

Just as I was thinking "It could not get any worse.  I will cut my losses and get this sweet lady the heck out of here before they turn on her."  I heard the unmistakable sound of the whoopee cushion and all of my kids erupting in insane laughter and screaming - my TWO YEAR OLD leading the pack.

She left my house within minutes of this happening and I was properly shamed and embarrassed.  My kids received a proper flogging (I'm kidding.......................kind of) for their inappropriateness and wildness and I managed to put it out of my mind (mostly).  I at least was able to move it to the back of my mind.

For some reason, this feeling of inadequacy and second guessing myself plagued me for days.  Am I too much of a slacker mom?  Should I quit blogging so much and actually parent?  Is the two year old too young to appreciate a whoopee cushion?  I really need to stop saying my boy child is "hyper" and hold that boy accountable for something.  Why do the girls teach the baby to "play dead"?  I really need to stop screaming like a banshee and start modeling Proper Behavior 24/7.  Why do my kids find bodily functions so hilarious???  Why does my two year old say and do things she's learned from a nine year old boy that is frankly frightening?  WHY CAN'T MY KIDS BE NORMAL??????????????

Then it happened.  The insane mommy angel flew down and kicked me in the butt.  It happened late yesterday afternoon while I was........................writing on the laptop.  Baby came toddling over to me and mumbled something I didn't quite hear.  So I sweetly said, "What, baby?  What did you say?"  And this time very clearly and loudly she said, "I LIKE BIG BOTS AND I CANNOT LIE!"  I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.

Lessons learned:  Just when you think it couldn't have been any worse.  Rest assured.  It could have.  AND love what you got.  The shame and embarrassment was totally worth the laughter provided by this short look at The Other Side.


cb said...

oh Monica how I love that your house is as crazy as mine. Bodily functions are in Vogue here too> I keep finding muddy poop balls made by the youngest all over the house.

jamiew said...

I like big bots too!

Jae said...

girl, you KNOW that i model crazy parenting 24/7, and i am proud to hear that baby knows those words! bodily functions are hilarious, and honestly, really good, quite children scare the crap outta me ... i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop with those types.

Shannon said...

One summer I let Teri and Ashley take Alonzo and Colin to Kentucky for vacation. They taught the boys the entire song "I like big butts and I cannot lie" Including the line "That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face You get sprung." Oh Joy.

Yesterday they came home from wildlife camp all excited about this baboon with one arm, no balls and a great big p. I am so glad I shelled out money for this.

Monica said...

hehehehehehe! funny stuff. too funny, shannon. this really is, "I like big BOTS!" i had carefully shielded them from the big butt song and ed showed all the kids this t-shirt and wants to buy it for malcolm cuz he's so into robotics. so, i have pretty much lost all control (what else is new?).

Shannon said...

I tried shielding the kids too, from that ans soo much more, but Dave's relatives keep happening. SIGH!