Friday, March 28, 2014

If you are missing something, it might have been under my fridge.

So I've been doing a lot lately (besides watching every single show on Netflix).  Here's a list that will sum it up nicely (or just sum it up) and be easier (and I hope more entertaining) than me trying to explain it all.

1.  Bandit my dog is an awful painter's helper.  He took a fair amount of spackle off the wall in one fell swoop.  He tried to eat the painter's brushes when he was washing them (right after he'd had his first bath in about eight months naturally).  He drank the painter's Big Gulp because he left it on the table.  He ate the painter's tacos because the painter did not learn from his mistake.  And he ate numerous pieces of old (and new) baseboards like they were treats we'd bought just for him.

2.  The painter is still willing to come back to do another job upstairs.

3.  There are still people in the world with "work ethic." (I'm not talking about myself here.  "Duh," you say.)

4.  My kids *might* have careers in stand up.  Or I'm unusually prejudice (most likely the latter and my kids will be living with me for a long time which I probably will not find funny at all). 

5.  The time between spring break and summer can be compared to the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It's painful for parents, kids, and teachers alike.  The kids are done learning anything.  So, naturally that's when the state testing occurs.

6.  It is possible to overthink things.  This can result in hours of time spent thinking and not actually doing.  I fall victim to this phenomena a lot and it explains quite a bit about the status of my life.

7.  When you've been married over 20 years another wedding and all the ensuing presents would be helpful and probably less expensive than trying to re-do your house with your own income.  I am considering a huge 25 year anniversary party.  I will not write Please no gifts on the invitations.  In fact, I'm asking Prudie if it would be presumptuous and rude to register.  At Target.

8.  My entire paycheck has gone to Target the past few months.  Wouldn't it be easier for me to just move in there?  I guess I could offer to work a few hours, too?  And promise to wear only red and khaki?

9.  Netflix has ruined regular TV for me.  It happened slowly, but I'm pretty sure now that I can't watch regular TV anymore.  SPOILER ALERT.  I knew something huge was happening on The Good Wife and I still finished Luther on Netflix that night instead.  What's wrong with me?  Then I read in the paper that Will died and I didn't really care unless I can watch it on Netflix.  Again, Will's deadWhat's wrong with me?

10.  The kids have discovered the dog whisperer on Netflix.  I've told you guys before how much I don't really like him?  I mean really.  If my parents watched the dog whisperer I think they'd think he was dropping acid (if my parents know what that is).  But, whatever.  The kids have told me that it's the owners that must be trained (yeah, I suspected a train wreck coming, too).  And that *maybe* Bandit behaves the way he does because of me.  So, basically the dog whisperer has taught my kids that parenting dogs and kids is basically the same.  The parents will invariably be blamed for everything.

10.  When you do home repair, maintenance, and painting it makes you feel good.  It also makes you notice all the things you didn't do.  How many permanent handprints will be on all the doors before we can repaint them all, too? 

11.  Painting also can make you want to clean everything.  Remember about a year ago when I went bat $hit crazy and tried to organize every area of my house?  Well, damn it if it didn't all get dirty and disorganized again.  The hell?  So, now I'm on a cleaning frenzy again.

12.  I don't pay my house cleaner enough.  She hasn't been here in a while because the chaos would probably give her a coronary and it takes everything out of me to clean the house.  Aside from the fact that it's covered in a thin layer of painting dust/grime, I'm just not a good house cleaner. 

13.  I cleaned under the stove for the first time in about 11 years and there was an ecosystem growing under there.  It was horrific, but I did find quite a few lost toys, magnets, kitchen tools, and popcorn from the early 2000's.  No more gourmet popcorn for Bandit.  Turns out he likes years old popcorn that's covered with goo just as much!

14.  This motivated me to clean under the other three movable appliances.  Not one of the five people I live with (or Bandit) noticed or cared that I'd done it.  The hell?  Lesson?  Not doing it again for another 10-20 years. 

15.  After seven years of having three of our four kids taking piano lessons and all practicing on a digital keyboard, we bought a piano.  Now, I've never seen the movie We Bought A Zoo (if it's on Netflix, though, there's a good chance I might see it someday), but I wanted to make a mockumentary for reality TV called We Bought a Piano.  They're *kinda* like children or dogs.  You have to take care of them, they respond to temperature changes, if you treat them right they can provide joy for you your entire life, they need annual tunings (sometimes more if they get sick), they're fragile, and they cost a buttload of money.  I'm hoping this piano does not want to go to college.

16.  I miss you guys a lot.  I've vowed to be better about reading my favorite blogs and I've vowed to post more.  But let's be honest.  This might be my last post for a while or until I get out of rehab.  Last night around 10:30 p.m. hubby and I started doing something we'd been putting off for a while.  We had sex?  No.  We started Breaking Bad.   
Six days (give or take) and I'll be back.  Maybe.


Megly Mc said...

1. Netflix is the best shit that ever happened.

2. If you can't see doesn't need cleaning.

3. Unless a rat dies under your stove and starts to smell. Then you really need to get under that fucker. I speak from experience. And from someone who USED to own extra-long BBQ tongs.

Monica said...

@megly mc - I have missed the $hit out of you (is that too forward?). if I was capable of crushing (at my age) I have a girl crush on your sense of humor. 1. I need an IV for my Netflix. 2. I am blind. 3. there might have been at some point a (small) dead rat under one of my appliances. thankfully it had solidified and decomposed to the point of no recognition. what is that saying - from dust blah, blah, blah?

Jae said...

Breaking bad is on my list, right after, or during g Dexter and House of Cards!

The Dog Whisperer is smart, girl. Embrace his teachings! O_o Like real people have time for that sheeet!

Monica said...

@jae - breaking bad is having a slow start for me. I am giving it one more episode and then deciding (of course, that's what I said about four episodes ago). i agree wholeheartedly - cesar is smart (or something). it's just that his approach to dogs reminds me a little of bob ross and his approach to painting. it's a little too zen/circle of lifeish for me. ;o)

jamiew said...

i like the bob ross comparison, el bob rrrrrross...
i fully embrace my inner pack leader, because the dogs are about the only thing i can control, and you know how that's working out for me.
by the way, bandit is my fav DLC for eating the tacos.

Monica said...

@jamiew - it's a friggin' miracle that Fernando has lasted with us. between girl 3 and bandit I think he likes girl 3 more - and that speaks volumes. she followed him around for one week doing this: what is that for? what color paint is that? why do you have to do that? is that painting? do you have kids? do you have a dog? why do you carry that rag in your pocket? I'm pretty sure he wanted to stab himself repeatedly in the eyes. and about Netflix and all tv in general. I have done a good bit of self analysis and come to the conclusion that I have a serious thing for broken men. broken women, on the other hand, make me vomit a little in my mouth. yay for therapy!

Kelly Hanson said...

you have to give Breaking Bad more time, seriously. By the end of that 1st little pilot season, you should be scarfing it down!

Jae said...

I agree. Cesar is too Zen, and gives too many sheeeets about dogs. IMHO.

Glad to hear Kelly! I'm looking forward to Breaking Bad.

Nomads By Nature said...

So glad you're back! Missed your unique take on life and if it doesn't sound too weird, I love your family that I never even met. Bandit, too! I hate cleaning and having it count for nothing except being clean. Just for a short time. Sadly, I can get all the windows clean and the sun shines beautifully into the house and the family still doesn't notice. Do you think that is a good reason to just give it up? We've been thinking about Netflix and it would seriously give me lots of good reasons to explain why I can't clean.

Monica said...

@Kelly hanson - I'm gonna give it bout two more episodes and if it picks up speed I will watch. it's a little slow so far? @nomads - if you get Netflix - you will have the best excuse(s) in the WORLD not to clean or do laundry or cook or do your work or basically anything. ;o) and I love your comments so much that I would come and clean one thing for you!!! (preferably a small a glass.) xoxo

Mind Margins said...

PLEASE don't give up on Breaking Bad! It just gets better and better. Season 4 will blow your socks off, I promise. I was also lukewarm at first, but by the end I was in mourning because it was over. I'm still in mourning. I. Love. Netflix.

Monica said...

@mind margins - I'm back on the wagon. got to the escape from the drug dealer guy last night and I was on. the. edge. of. my. seat. best episode so far. :o)