Girl 1: Mom, why does Patsy (name changed to protect the innocent) live in a condom?
Me: Um. EXCUSE ME?
Girl 1: Wait. No, that's not right. Not a condom. A condominium.
Me: Cheesus. Wait. Who lives in a condominium??? Sometimes called a CONDO. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH A CONDOM.
Girl 1: Which, by the way, what is a condom again?
Me: Can we have this conversation another time? Please?
Girl 1: Yes, it's okay, mom. Anyway I'm pretty sure I know and now I feel just silly for making that mistake, but I'm so glad it was with you and not, y'know, the public?
Me: Yes. Me, too.
Girl 1: So, why does she live in a condo? That's like those double houses, right? Oh, wait. That's complex, right? Not, like I have a complex, but like she lives in a complex. Wait. Is it a complex? It's something that sounds like condo and complex.
Me: CHEESUS. A DUPLEX???
Girl 1: THAT'S IT!!! A DUPLEX!!! Jeez, mom. What took you so long to say the right word?
Hubby had this idea that this would be the School Year of Goal Setting. So, as a family we sat down at the beginning of the school year and wrote down a few personal goals for the month or year or day. We shared them and we check our progress toward/revise our goals as a family on Sunday evenings. I know, so Cleaverish of us, right?
Here's what Girl 2 wrote the first time.
#1? She's seen me make a *few.* Three out of four of my kids were born with no volume control, hence #2. #3? That was all her.
Her first time checking her own progress she proclaimed loudly, "Be awesome? Definitely a big check!"
I guess self confidence is not one of her weaknesses. Awesome.
Heated conversation with one of my children in the Yukon Cornelius (whose AC is broken - thank you 112 degree "fall" weather) after he/she told me he/she got an "F" on a quiz.
Me: So what exactly was the problem because an "F" was certainly not the first grade I was expecting you to get on a quiz the second week of school? Was this review???
(I did exhibit extreme self-control by not ending with, "FOR GOD'S SAKE.")
Child: Well, the quiz was only 10 questions. I legitimately got three wrong. But, the fourth one just didn't make any sense.
Me: How do you mean?
Child: Well, the answers made no sense.
Me:How do you mean?
Child: Well, the correct answer was "None of the above."
Me: So, what's weird about that? By this time you should be familiar with answers such as: None of the above, All of the above, A and C, B and D, F and F!, I mean B and C.
Child: Well, here's the thing, "None of the above" is usually the last answer. This "None of the above" was the first answer. Y'know?
Me: Like it was A?
Child: Yeah.
Me: Well, did you know that all the other answers were wrong?
Child: Yeah, weird, but I did actually know that.
('Weird' indeed.)
Me: So, wouldn't it have made sense that none of the answers were right? Like, "None of the above," implies?
Child: Well, no because there was nothing above the "None of the above" except for the previous question. It should have said, "None of the below."
Me: So, what did you mark?
Child: One of the wrong answers. And I got it wrong! Can you believe that? If you ask me that's just crazy. The teacher's just crazy. "None of the above" wasn't technically the right answer.
Me: *Banging my sweaty head on the steering wheel.*
I'm on the tail end (pun intended) of a summer running injury after which I became a gluttonous, carb loading slug...............oh, aaaaaaaaaand I'm clearly driving myself crazy.
Me: You should go run. You feel a little better now and your back, butt, and sides have not hurt for a few days. And as much as you say you hate to exercise and workout, you are a much more rationale, sane, and happy person when you do.
Me: Yeah, but I could overdo it and injure myself and be down and out for another month if I go run. And, there's the fact that it's still 130 degrees in South Texas. Y'know? There's that.
Me: Well, then you should just walk. Besides, the dog wants to walk. You'll hardly break a sweat. Go walk.
Me: Yeah, but I'm tired and there's..........so much to do.
Me: Your justifications are nuts. You are going to Facebook and blog if you don't go. Oh, and your obliques are HUGE. Wait, where are your obliques? Cheesus. Where are they?
Me: Shut-up. I may have actually injured my oblique and that could have been causing all the pain. So they could be just reacting to being hurt by.............gaining weight. Y'know so they can feel more comfortable in this body that's gained weight?
Me: See? Your justifications are ca-razy. YOU HAVE BRAND NEW RUNNING SHOES THAT COST MORE THAN A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR WITH X-RAYS. GET UP AND GO RUN WALK. You are never going to lose this weight you have gained if you don't get up and go out, you sloth.
Me: I hate you. I'm going to bed.
Me: And then tomorrow you will wake up and your obliques will still be there and they will still not fit in your pants and you will hate me more.
Me: Is there chocolate in the fridge? Because I think there's chocolate in the fridge.
Me: You are hopeless. I quit.
Me: Good because I'm tired and I am going to bed and I can't sleep if you are still talking.
I haven't been posting in a while. Here's mostly why:
1. Boy child is now playing the alto sax. When I first found out he was going to play this instrument I pictured him playing jazz while I sipped a smooth drink. That hasn't happened so far. It's more like a cacophony of sound that makes you want to stab yourself. Everyday it happens for 20 minutes during which time I cannot do anything but sit down and breathe slowly.
2. About three weeks ago Girl 3 threw a laptop through the front window. There are three positive aspects of this story.
It was a toy laptop (that weighed probably more than the real laptops).
Our windows are cheap, but double paned. Only one pane shattered. We still haven't fixed it because we are those ghetto neighbors.
She was really aiming at her brother's head, not the window. Wait. How is that a positive? I can't remember.
This brought all "summer fun" to a screeching halt and four short people were enlisted into the Mommy Hell Camp for the remainder of the summer. Barking orders at them and consistently disciplining (consistently) really took it all out of me. I really wanted us to go to family counseling after this incident or at least write a letter to Prudie. Sadly, I don't believe in counseling and our insurance doesn't pay for counseling (I think) until a small animal dies and I remember hearing Prudie retired?
So, I diagnosed us myself.
Diagnosis? We are crazy.
3. I hurt myself. It's an annoying kind of painfully painful pain (that's the scientific description) and so far (based on Google) I might have:
A sprained or fractured lumbar
A tumor in my back
Kidney disease
Sciatica
Pregnancy
Endemitriosis
Scoliosis
Kidney stones
Osteoarthritis or
Fibromyalgia
I might live a lot longer with this pain. Or I might die. Google doesn't seem to really be that specific. I haven't exercised in about four weeks and I have so much fat and stress in my body that I feel like I might spontaneously combust at any moment. On the upside if that happens, I may get the medical and psychiatric help I need.
4. My kids started school. This means I have spent the last two days filling out paperwork.
What's the best time to call you?
Have you read the discipline policy?
Is your child allowed to access the internet at school?
Where do you work?
Do you understand that if his electronic device breaks at school it is not the school's fault?
Have you had a criminal background check?
What race are you?
Do you want to volunteer?
Do you want to sell a box of The World's Finest Chocolate?
Two days in and I already want them to drop out.
5. Two of my favorite bloggers closed down their blogs. They were both really great writers. One of them was related to me, so naturally she was/is amazingly talented. So, of course it made me sad. But it also made me want to shut mine down and sent me into this crazy tailspin. Some kind of weird funk came over me (not the stinky kind) and I just decided to quit and do something I'm good at.
But, then I couldn't think of anything to do, so I just tried to remember that Laughter Is The Best Medicine and I (wasted some good time that I could have been effectively and consistently disciplining my children or telling the schools where I work) Googled some really funny shiz.
Real people doing their thing.
I love them and I laugh like it's the first time every time.
And, thanks, you guys for writing such funny stuff too that always makes me laugh.
And, happy Labor Day because this one post took me three days to write and now it's a holiday!
