How To Blind Yourself While Away From Home, Part 1

I've been out of town at a training since Tuesday.  First of all - I missed you all dearly (and I tried tortuously, unsuccessfully, and repeatedly to write to you - which I will detail in a minute).  Second of all - I nearly blinded myself several times while away.  So, I guess this post is part love letter (to you guys) and part PSA - How To Go Blind (or not) While Traveling.  You're welcome.

I don't travel well.  I can never sleep right, I am terrified of bed bugs, I go through a 30 point room inspection (and I am not kidding), I am usually still too freaked out (by what I *might* have seen) to sleep, I just generally hate being away, and my germaphobia makes it hard to touch anything (which can be awkward and time consuming).  And, yes, I realize this is nuts.  (If it is like a 5-star $1,000 a night resort - I'll take it.  Especially if someone else is paying.  No hesitation.  I'm generally just talking about the kinds of hotels I stay in.)

Anyway, while I was away, of course, all these kooky things kept happening and I kept trying to write about them.  It wasn't until many frustrated attempts to post on our Toshiba notebook were unsuccessful that I realized what all the nutty occurrences had in common - they nearly all caused me unrepairable eye damage.  Weird and kind of psychotic.  I know.  But, that's what happened.

How I Almost Suffered Unrepairable Eye Damage At The Blind You Blind Hotel (name changed to protect the innocent)

1.  I tried to post on my blog numerous times in three days.  By "tried to post" this is what I mean:  I would type about half of a post (that I thought was particularly witty and clever) and accidentally hit something on the tablet while reaching for my bad hotel coffee and POOF all of what I had laboriously written was gone.  The FIRST time it happened I was like, "SH*T.  NO FU&*ING way.  THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN."  THEN, I TYPED IT ALL AGAIN.  FROM MEMORY.  That's how much I freakin' love you guys.  THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN.  Then I cried.  Then I tried the next day and the same thing happened a few more times.  Then I decided my love was not worth my sanity.  That's when I realized I was in danger of going blind.  How?  I basically looked for a sharp object in the cheap hotel with which to POKE MY EYES OUT OF MY SKULL.

2.  As you know, we do not have cable.  We pay for a basic service (which is no longer even called cable) that allows us to have an "on" button on our TV that works.  We can watch fairly decent shows such as:  the news, Nightline with Tom Brokaw (wait, is he dead?), Two and a Half Men (three of whom do not have brains), and a various assortment of criminal/attorney/criminal/judge/attorney/criminal shows.  With this kind of variety every night in and out for 365 days a year, I tend to go a little "hog wild" when I get to a hotel (even a mediocre one).  I *think* I may have watched TLC all night.  Here's what I remember:  Man With the 250 Pound Tumor, Man Born With Half a Body, Sister Wives, Pet Parents.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the bearded lady, the world's tallest man, Tom Thumb, but I have to ask - WHEN DOES IT END???  Man With Half a Face?  Woman With Third Breast?  Twins Joined At Their Pinky Fingers?  I think you can see how this almost made me blind. 

3.  When I travel I have to take mini bottles of everything I use on my face to keep it looking young (that's roughly 75 bottles).  It can get overwhelming and confusing.  Is this the soap or the moisturizer?  Is this the toner or the lightener?  Is this the lifter or the spritzer?  Is this the wine or the beer?  (oh, wait.)  I was really tired Wednesday morning (from watching the man with the 250 pound tumor all night) and I did not yet have my contacts in or my glasses on.  I saw this on the counter. 


Carefully notice (as I did not), the bottle on the left says, "make-up remover."  The bottle on the right says, "clarifying lotion."

In case you don't have old skin, "clarifying lotion" might be 100% rubbing alcohol.  At least that's what it feels like when rubbed directly in your eyes.

I was still sighted on Thursday - enough to attempt blindness two more times.

But, since I haven't slept since Tuesday, I am going to relate that at another time.  Right now I am removing my make-up carefully and settling in with my hubby and Netflix.  It's good to be home.