Friday, June 8, 2012

How To Blind Yourself While Away From Home, Part 1

I've been out of town at a training since Tuesday.  First of all - I missed you all dearly (and I tried tortuously, unsuccessfully, and repeatedly to write to you - which I will detail in a minute).  Second of all - I nearly blinded myself several times while away.  So, I guess this post is part love letter (to you guys) and part PSA - How To Go Blind (or not) While Traveling.  You're welcome.

I don't travel well.  I can never sleep right, I am terrified of bed bugs, I go through a 30 point room inspection (and I am not kidding), I am usually still too freaked out (by what I *might* have seen) to sleep, I just generally hate being away, and my germaphobia makes it hard to touch anything (which can be awkward and time consuming).  And, yes, I realize this is nuts.  (If it is like a 5-star $1,000 a night resort - I'll take it.  Especially if someone else is paying.  No hesitation.  I'm generally just talking about the kinds of hotels I stay in.)

Anyway, while I was away, of course, all these kooky things kept happening and I kept trying to write about them.  It wasn't until many frustrated attempts to post on our Toshiba notebook were unsuccessful that I realized what all the nutty occurrences had in common - they nearly all caused me unrepairable eye damage.  Weird and kind of psychotic.  I know.  But, that's what happened.

How I Almost Suffered Unrepairable Eye Damage At The Blind You Blind Hotel (name changed to protect the innocent)

1.  I tried to post on my blog numerous times in three days.  By "tried to post" this is what I mean:  I would type about half of a post (that I thought was particularly witty and clever) and accidentally hit something on the tablet while reaching for my bad hotel coffee and POOF all of what I had laboriously written was gone.  The FIRST time it happened I was like, "SH*T.  NO FU&*ING way.  THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN."  THEN, I TYPED IT ALL AGAIN.  FROM MEMORY.  That's how much I freakin' love you guys.  THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN.  Then I cried.  Then I tried the next day and the same thing happened a few more times.  Then I decided my love was not worth my sanity.  That's when I realized I was in danger of going blind.  How?  I basically looked for a sharp object in the cheap hotel with which to POKE MY EYES OUT OF MY SKULL.

2.  As you know, we do not have cable.  We pay for a basic service (which is no longer even called cable) that allows us to have an "on" button on our TV that works.  We can watch fairly decent shows such as:  the news, Nightline with Tom Brokaw (wait, is he dead?), Two and a Half Men (three of whom do not have brains), and a various assortment of criminal/attorney/criminal/judge/attorney/criminal shows.  With this kind of variety every night in and out for 365 days a year, I tend to go a little "hog wild" when I get to a hotel (even a mediocre one).  I *think* I may have watched TLC all night.  Here's what I remember:  Man With the 250 Pound Tumor, Man Born With Half a Body, Sister Wives, Pet Parents.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the bearded lady, the world's tallest man, Tom Thumb, but I have to ask - WHEN DOES IT END???  Man With Half a Face?  Woman With Third Breast?  Twins Joined At Their Pinky Fingers?  I think you can see how this almost made me blind. 

3.  When I travel I have to take mini bottles of everything I use on my face to keep it looking young (that's roughly 75 bottles).  It can get overwhelming and confusing.  Is this the soap or the moisturizer?  Is this the toner or the lightener?  Is this the lifter or the spritzer?  Is this the wine or the beer?  (oh, wait.)  I was really tired Wednesday morning (from watching the man with the 250 pound tumor all night) and I did not yet have my contacts in or my glasses on.  I saw this on the counter. 

Carefully notice (as I did not), the bottle on the left says, "make-up remover."  The bottle on the right says, "clarifying lotion."
In case you don't have old skin, "clarifying lotion" might be 100% rubbing alcohol.  At least that's what it feels like when rubbed directly in your eyes.

I was still sighted on Thursday - enough to attempt blindness two more times.

But, since I haven't slept since Tuesday, I am going to relate that at another time.  Right now I am removing my make-up carefully and settling in with my hubby and Netflix.  It's good to be home.


Gretchen said...

Last night I watched a Jim Gaffigan special in which he talks about staying in hotels. You would so appreciate it! I have on occasion used the Clinique makeup remover by mistake instead of the clarifying solution. What a slimy mess but better than going blind...

Monica said...

wow. i never thought of the reverse mistake. yes, horribly messy. i am googling jim gaffigan now.

Mind Margins/Run Nature said...

Though not quite as obsessive as you, I'm kind of grossed out by hotel rooms as well, especially bedspreads. I cannot have them touching bare skin anywhere on my body. Ick.

Monica said...

oh, mind margins. i am soooo wary of the bedspreads. i try not to be obsessive because i know most of it is just nutty, but most of the time i can't stop myself. and you'd think with four kids under 11 i would be okay with germs, but i'm not. germs i KNOW are totally fine with me. it's the germs i DON'T know that totally creep me out.

Anonymous said...

Wow, those are some harrowing experiences! I'm glad you made it back okay with healthy eyeballs intact.

Colleen said...

Hi Monica, I love reading your blog. You make me laugh and everyone needs a good laugh. You seem like the kind of person who can laugh at herself. Thanks for sharing your experiences. :-)

Monica said...

whatimeant2say - the 250 pound tumor nearly blinded me - let alone killed me. i haven't told you yet about the man in the workout room who was not following directions. he gave me an eyeful. still trying to get the image out of my head. @colleen - thanks! laughter is good for the soul - so my soul should be top notch. ;o) thanks for the comment and for reading.

Leigh Powell Hines (Hines-Sight Blog) said...

I've used my toner before thinking it was eye remover. OUch!!

Also, the laptop thing has happened to me, too. I use a desktop mainly,, but hubby has a laptop, and I am always hitting something and something goes away. I hate it. It does not happen to him though.

Shannon said...

I use a different Clinique eye make up remover, it comes in a little tube like lotion, or you know the step 1 soap for sensitive skin. I've tried to use soap instead of make up remover a time or two, but never the toner. I usually realize the mistake in time to keep my eyes squeezed closed while I wash the soap away.

Monica said...

@leigh - i've never had a problem on my laptop, but i was using the tablet and i must say - i will NEVER try that again. sooooooooooo frustrating. @shannon - that's weird. i've never seen the blue one. will look next time i am at the counter. it's the travel sizes that cause me so much grief (y'know because my eyes are old?)

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