Saturday, March 17, 2012

Putting the FUN in dysFUNctional since 2001.

I had to put my family on hold for about a week while I worked on painting.  As I have said, I am not a professional, so this said painting required all my attention.  Several breakdowns (in communication and otherwise) happened while I was "away."  And, most of them warranted sharing with you because they were hilarious (and when I say "hilarious" I mean in a totally dysfunctional way).  I decided it would just be easier to give you a list.  Here's how they mostly went down.

dysFUNctional in the way that only my family can be:

1.  I went to pay for the bunk beds with a credit card and pulled out of my purse a piece of an alphabet Strawberry Shortcake puzzle the three year old has been looking for for days.  As luck would have it, it was the letter "F."  She loudly proclaimed to the woman who was ringing us up, "MOMMY!  THERE'S the FA!  WHAT STARTS WITH FA?"  If you are a regular, you know the history with the "F."  I quickly shoved the Strawberry Shortcake F right back in my purse and distracted her.  I also started praying. 

2.  For some reason (I'd like to think it was because I was high - on paint fumes), I bought baby some inkers for her Easter egg fillers for the Easter egg hunt they have at school.  This story goes way back and I really must take you way back in order for you to understand how frustrated I got.  My hatred for the Easter bunny does not stem from any religious high ground.  It basically comes from me being a slacker mom.  This will be the third year I have been the only mom to forget to bring my daughter's filled Easter eggs on the designated day (while all the other moms prance in with their eggs - some of them hand-freaking-painted - I'm making that up - probably).  It just makes me seethe with hatred for the Easter bunny.  I always forget to buy the crap Easter treats and I always hate it when the crap Easter treats are brought home - to stay in their rooms for days driving me crazy - and then end up mysteriously in the trash.  So, when I put "treats" on my grocery list I will admit that I didn't really have specific treats in mind, nor was I motivated to select any pinata crap trinkets.  When baby used a high pitched voice to let me know she "loved" the inkers, I just caved and bought them.  Later that same day I told all the kids to "play nicely and stay out of trouble while I paint one more &*(%$ wall."  When I came back down about 20 minutes later (to dead silence) two children were gone, and two children were inking on the living room carpet.  What happened next was that basically I spewed a lot of hatred for the Easter bunny all over my house leaving the two inking culprits dazed and confused.  I told the three year old that she was under no terms taking inking treats to school now that she had permanently colored my carpet.  To which she responded, "Will Jesus still rise from the dead?"  For the love.  I hate it when the kids are smarter than me.

3.  Girl 1 has a knack for losing things.  It's a gift that she might get from her parents.  This past week she lost:  her shoe (just one), her new fleece from Old Navy (that has her name in it and she swears she left on the playground), her new spring coat (also from ON), a headband (not from ON, but new), her reading log, and miscellaneous other things that pale in comparison to the two new jackets and the one shoe.  Now, we are not rich so often times I tell her (as my mother told me), "DO YOU THINK MONEY GROWS ON TREES???"  Well, here's how it happened when we went out to pick up a few things for the new room late one day.  She had a full, complete, melt-down-to-the-ground because she could not find said spring coat.  It was colder than Spring Coat weather, so hubby told her just to grab her "big jacket."  She suddenly turned into Linda Blair and screamed (outside the house and to the amazement of some of our neighbors), "WHAT?  WEAR MY PUFFY JACKET?  IT'S NOT EVEN COLD???  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???  I WILL BE THE ONLY KID WALKING AROUND IN THE SPRING WHEN IT IS SPRING JACKET WEATHER IN MY BIG, PUFFY JACKET???  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WILL DO TO ME???  DO YOU???"  Hubby and I were laughing so hard it was difficult to remain standing.  I am pretty sure we scared the neighbors.

4.  THAT SAME TRIP, Girl 2 decided to have a food rage moment.  Like other melt-downs - it came on suddenly, without much warning, and violently.  I do admit that I don't think I fed the kids lunch that day, but I am sure they had snacked quite a bit throughout the day.  Girl 2 suddenly started ranting in the car (thankfully) that she was starving.  This wasn't particularly funny, but when Girl 1 said to Girl 2, "Wow.  I cannot believe you are having a melt-down about being hungry!  That is just silly.  I would never have a melt-down over something like that."  Really?  Hubby and I then started snickering.

5.  The kids were dying to help me paint.  I don't really understand that, but it's true.  From the minute I mentioned I was going to paint the girls' room all of them (including the three year old) were begging to "help."  Now, I am not sure quite what they had in mind, but when I pulled them into the room the second day and showed them what I was doing they one-by-one politely asked to be excused to play.  Their lack of enthusiasm after five seconds was exactly what I was feeling.

I wrote the above post at the beginning of spring break.  We are now wrapping up spring break and I have nothing more to give you.  I have been too busy enjoying the hell out of my spring break.

The bunk beds arrived eight days early and without warning.  Thankfully, we were home.  Tomorrow, on the last day of spring break, we are going to pick up the mattresses and hubby is going to put together the beds (I am going to try to stay far away from him while he does that).  Furniture is somewhat moved and we are ready for the new beds (as ready as you can be for new beds).  More photos to be posted soon and I am sure there will be plenty more dysfunction for everyone.  Wish us luck and sanity.


Anonymous said...

Wow! Your Spring Break has been so much more fun than mine! Can't wait to see the final pics!

Monica said...

spring break was truly great. re-doing the room, on the other hand, has been positively painful. sounds like you had a good break, too. since my entire family is here i have been demoted to the old laptop which has been quite cranky about me leaving anyone any comments. you have given me some laughs, though, and i can't wait to see YOUR house re-do photos!

Leigh Powell Hines (Hines-Sight Blog) said...

That's funny about the coat, and the fact she lost all of that stuff. I would be so mad.

Our spring break starts on the 30th.

This is funny!

Monica said...

@leigh - she actually found the spring jacket yesterday at school!!! now if we could just find her fleece and her other shoe!