Sunday, October 24, 2010

338 Days

At first I am not sure if I am awake or asleep. I know that I have been lying in bed for quite some time. I am overwhelmed with at first what feels like questioning and doubt. I am questioning everything from the most trivial - what I have been told by a pediatrician, to the most important - the root of existence. This questioning continues so that I am sure I am awake and I am not sure I will ever be able to get back to sleep. Suddenly and powerfully, I miss mom. I want to talk to her to ask her these questions that I have. I know that she will not know the answers, but I know that she will quell my fears. She will calm me down. Just hearing her voice would make me no longer care about questioning or doubting. This longing to speak to my mom turns my doubt into deep sadness that seems to touch my soul and not have an end. Just as suddenly as I am missing mom, I am sobbing uncontrollably. My pillow is wet and I am unable to catch my breath. I try to picture my mom's face in the darkness of my room. But it is just out of reach. For some reason my thought is of my dad. It is his face I see with my eyes open and closed. And then as powerfully as I miss my mom I think of my dad and how much he must miss her. I am concentrating now on my dad and trying not to think of my mom. At first I am thinking of him and my mom. I find this so painful that it pierces my heart. So, I try to recall things we have shared together. I have many memories and I reach back into my childhood. This is neither comforting, nor uncomfortable. It just is. After what seems like only seconds, my thoughts come back to my mom and how much I miss her and need to talk to her about all of this. It occurs to me there in my bed that there are times when I just need my mom. No one else will do. No one else will be. So, strangely I call out her name in the night in the darkness of my room. But, it is not strange.

A few seconds pass in which I am not sure I am thinking anything. I roll over and thoughts come into my mind. Thoughts like what I will do tomorrow. Thoughts of my kids. Thoughts of waking up and it being a new day.

I do not realize until a few minutes later that this was my mom. Then it occurs to me. I called out her name and she answered me. A few more minutes pass and I am asleep dreaming of a new day. A day when there will be no more questions. No more need to talk to mom.


Shannon said...

Awww girl I wish I could come over give you a hug and mooch a couple of cups of coffee.

Monica said...

me too.