Friday, July 30, 2010

Longing

I know the story well and sometimes it is almost like it happened to me. But, sometimes still I have to ask you the details. Why did you want it? What feelings did you have? What did you learn?

You were young and you were responding to an ad in a comic book. Or was it a cereal box? I am not sure, but it doesn't matter. You ordered the soldiers because the ad showed an entire set of soldiers in various poses and you wanted to play with them. You were so excited for its arrival. Anxiously you waited and finally a small box arrived in the mail. You remember being confused at the size of the box. You wondered how it could possibly be so small and contain all the soldiers. But, with childlike logic and hope you immediately resolved your confusion by thinking, they must be sending the soldiers one at a time. But, upon opening the box you found it did contain the entire set. You were so disappointed to realize that the soldiers were so tiny. Much smaller than you anticipated. And yet you resolved to play with it. You resolved to like it as much as you wanted it.

I am overwhelmed with sadness for the young you every time I hear this story. And yet I love this story. This memory of yours. I crave it. I almost want it to be my memory. I want to have known you then. And at the same time it makes me want to know you now. Sometimes we want things so much. We wait for these things filled with anticipation. But when we finally get them they are not at all what we expected. We are not children anymore. Instead of resolving our confusion with hope and later resignation, are we filled with deep sadness, disappointment, and regret?

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