in your heaven

I wonder - how did you live without us? I am sure contentedly for a long time. But after the long nights of sleep, the days taking in breaths of fresh air, the endless moments of silence, the peace that comes with knowing that your babies have flown and are safe in their own nests, after all this - did you miss us? Did you miss having an infant to nurse at your breast? Did you miss hearing those first words, so misunderstood by others yet deeply understood by you? Did you miss the constant touch from wanting hands? Did you miss the longing for peace, the longing for quiet, the longing for sanity, the longing for sleep? Did you miss having so many children need you so much?

What did it feel like? If there was a hole in your heart, how did you fill it? With God? With food? With love? With regret? If there was a wound, did time heal it?

Sometimes I am consumed by the thought of you missing us. Sometimes the hole in my heart is filled with an image of you sitting in your heaven looking at all of us and not having to miss us anymore.