Friday, May 14, 2010

Being a non-meat eater and buying a cell phone

Now, upon first reading you might think - what could these two things POSSIBLY have in common. Or, has Monica gone to an alternate universe? Well, my friends, that's why I am here - to introduce similarities into your life and deepen your understandings. Turns out these two things have a whole lot in common. To make this easy for you to understand (he-he-he, like that?) I have composed a simple list - which for your sake I will call:

What Being a Non-Meat Eater and Buying a Cell Phone Have in Common

1. They are both seemingly impossible for someone who has a problem with decision-making. Duh. That's a no brainer for the cell phone, right? I mean could there be a few more decisions to make in buying a cell phone...................NO because you would spontaneously combust under the pressure. Holy cow! I will just insert a sample of my conversation with a cell phone rep (who was about 14) and you can surmise the implications. "Now, depending on how much you text, access the web and call on any given day you can choose between our family limited plan, family unlimited plan, divorce limited plan, divorce unlimited plan, text/call/web plan, text/call plan, web/call plan, text/web plan, or our unlimited everything including eating because you are so stressed out with your %$#&() plan plan."

Now, here's the surprising thing I have learned - turns out not eating meat is hard for the person who is indecisive. I know you are thinking, "Why?" So, this is the dialogue in my head at the grocery store (with a screaming baby in the cart): So, do I buy asparagus (which I am not sure I have ever cooked before), or artichokes, which I know I love but happen to cost as much as like 35 night diapers? Should I try the tofu burgers or the vegetable burgers (or is tofu a vegetable?) or the.....................................hey - what is tofu anyway? Do I want to risk it? What is another way to cook eggplant besides deep fried and smothered in sauce and cheese? What is cheese anyway? Isn't it just meat in another form? Holy cow. So, you can see how very quickly I am 35 minutes into my one hour shopping trip with................hello????????????????? AN EMPTY CART. Lead me to the ground beef, I say. (just kidding)

2. They both require an incredible amount of time. I have spent countless hours researching this cell phone business to the point where I am totally and completely convinced that not only might they be the root of all evil I am not even sure I WANT one anymore. Just a quick example - overage, roll-over minutes, nine-key (or something like that) keyboard (which 'novices' like me will need - according to the aforementioned 14 year old cell phone goddess), unlimited (which I have learned is hugely deceptive), and on and on. Jeez. I am learning another language here, people.

So, what gives on the not eating meat. Hello????????? I am (insert any age you want over 19) and have been cooking for a long time.................WITH MEAT. It's mindless, so to speak. Now I am cooking WITHOUT meat. It's a little like driving - without a car. I am on at least 8 hours a day. Then add the cooking time to that. Is it any wonder I haven't showered in days?

3. They both have driven me straight to the bottle (just kidding - the CAN - and I don't mean the toilet ;o). Immediately after getting in the house after my visit to two cell phone businesses I had to pop a can of cerveza in order to clear my head. Yeah, it was that bad.

And, well I am finding (and I must say I kind of like this one) cooking with lots and lots of veggies takes a while. It's not like popping that chicken in the oven or frying those greasy burgers up. I find myself pulling out tools like vegetable peelers and garlic presses and actually having to use them. And, well truth be told - having a cold beverage handy sure does aid in the process.

4. They both may be simply a phase I am going through (no, I am not too old to go through a phase). After all, do I really need a cell phone? Is meat really the root of all evil? Well, sadly (or happily - depending on how you look at it) I know the answer to both of those questions. And, this brings me to the last similarity.

5. They both promise to transform my life and have the potential to affect generations to come. See? You thought this was just going to be another one of my crazy rant/lists, right? Well, it's not. Don't worry - I get it. I need a cell phone so that my kids can grow up knowing what a cell phone is. And, we don't need all the meat we were consuming before. Change is a coming, friends. Prepare yourselves and be ready! I'll text you soon with my new recipes and uploaded photos of all the great food I am eating. Just be forewarned.....I may be a teensy bit tipsy. ;o)


Jae said...

Ah! I love your writing! The fact that you can find similarities in eating vegetarian and cell phones is awesome! And you're right! I totally get it!

Having gone totally veggie for about 2 months, I feel your pain. The hours of looking for another way to cook veggies! LOL! I feel you, sista! Asparagus is in season and cheap right now and SO good for you! Lightly steam it, or grill it - YUM! :)

Yes, Tofu is a veggie - soy to be exact. So read carefully there as well, as it could be from GMO soy beans.

Shannon said...

Cell phone plans confound me. I have had a pay as you go for years and it works great for me but I think those are not as common in the states. Good luck, oh and if you get a iphone I may never talk to you again. I totally want one, but it so isn't happening.

As far as vegetarian cooking have you looked at the Moosewood restaurant cookbooks I have a vegetarian friend who loves them, I've never tried them though. Are you going lacto-ovo vegetarian or vegan? Another resource you might try is Under recipes and menus choose "heatlhy" then there will an option for "vegetarian". I recommend pizza margherita and curried lentil soup, yummmm.

Shannon said...

OK eggplant. First I had some sort of eggplant dip at a Turkish restaurant in Jakarta. Can't for the life of me remember what it was called but it was delish served with pita wedges (like people do hummus) garlicky and wonderful. Try looking at Morrocan and middle eastern dishes they use a lot of eggplant. India is big on vegetarian dishes too.

So a eggplant dish with no breading and melty cheese. My favorite would be grilled veggie sandwiches with pesto mayo. Take what ever vegetables you like, I use zucchini, portobellos, eggplant (salt and drain it first so it's not so soggy) and onion. Brush the veg with olive oil and have Ed cook on BBQ grill with a hot flame. Mix half mayo and half pesto. Smear bolillos or other rolls with the mayo mix and top with veggies. Enjoy. Great now I am hungry.