Monday, November 30, 2009

So, I will write

Sometimes it helps. Only the decent stuff actually gets "published," but I am up and writing most everyday. Most of it deleted upon finishing...Not sure what will happen today. Mom has been dead now for 10 days. And, today I am actually feeling quasi-normal. Haven't cried yet. I have a to-do list sitting right next to my lap-top...staring dreadfully at me. There is nasty turkey still in the fridge, I can smell Starbucks coffee, and the laundry is fairly caught-up. If you didn't know - it might seem like any other Monday after Thanksgiving. But, sadly, this one is way different. There is just that big hole in my heart that I can't seem to get around. There are the million times throughout the day that I think, "Ah, mom will like that. I will have to remember to tell her the next time we talk." There is just the nagging headache that I realize is from days and days with no sleep. There is just that brief moment every morning that I wake from sleep and forget that mom is dead and the world seems great. Then, I remember. Mom is dead. And that feeling just consumes me and I wish I could go back to sleep. There is the fact that the kids went back to school today. Smiling faces full of the anticipation that the post- Thanksgiving pre-Christmas season will bring. So, I am alone with baby. Ugh. Any other time I would welcome it. Today I am not sure I can bear it. So, I will start my to-do list and manage the day. Because I do know that time heals all wounds. Or at least time buries them deep enough so that they only emerge when you least expect it. Besides #1 on my list is Get Up (apparently I was feeling pretty productive when I wrote the list). So, technically I am ahead of schedule. Yippee. It's going to be a good one! Till the 11th day..................


Jae said...

Oh my friend, I have been thinking of you daily, and thought today might be particularly hard. :( I'm so sorry. Hang in there, and keep watch on the fun new things Baby Girl does. I am certain that cherub Baby Girl will bring a smile or two to your face, and heart. (((HUGE hugs to you)))

(PS - good job on getting up! hey, even the little things count!)

Shannon said...

I read this yesterday and I still can't think of anything to say except I am so sorry and am keeping you in my prayers.

On a more humorus note you not only did you get up but the kids are up, dressed (you didn't send them to school in pj's did you??) and out to the bus on time, plus you can smell coffee which is always a good thing. All in all I think that is a good start.