it's not perfect, but it's perfect to me.

this has been a pretty nearly perfect Christmas season for me.  of course, i am me, so there have been plenty of non-perfect things.

• two work screw-ups.  both my fault.  both causing me grief because i hate to screw-up.  both causing a bout of mild fairly short-lived depression.
• more than two sibling fights which caused me to threaten to take away Christmas (again?) (can you even take Christmas away??).
• a slightly skewed gift buying extravaganza in which the boy child was somewhat shorted.  thankfully he didn't seem to mind and in the end it all worked out.
• Christmas cards that were never purchased and therefore never went out.
• a family Christmas calendar that will not go out until January.  is it ironic that i give a calendar as a gift and it is late?
• my warped thinking that since the kids didn't get out of school until the 21st i would have plenty of time to finish everything that needed to get done.
• spell check not working and me not being able to spell appropriately right now.

and i am sure more things went wrong that i have completely blocked from memory by now.

the perfectness?

• getting to spend time with a really good friend who now lives in Africa.  having her family here for the holidays has been just like old times.
• a certain neighbor boy who listened to hubby tell him how to make the perfect fire and who has made two (three?  i've lost all track of time in the four days that school's been out.) perfect morning fires with the remains of hubby's night fires.  thank you, neighbor boy child.
• a small group of fabulous neighbors who continue to make Christmas eve great and delicious.
• being with my kids.  even though half the time they are trying to harm each other or drive me bat $hit crazy.
• watching the painfully shy girl 1 perform in the annual Christmas school production.
• going to my second Christmas cookie class.  this time with girl 1 and girl 2 in tow.  
• seeing the kids' faces Christmas morning and knowing that all the non-perfectness has been worth it all along.

peace you guys.  i hope that the blessing of Christmas stays with you for a while and that even as it starts to fade you still have a tasty drink in hand and loved ones nearby. 

i leave you with these beauties created by the dayinthelife cookie makers.

my creations.

girl 1's creations.

girl 2's creations.  and to all a good night.

How to make voluminous lashes? First: Get lashes.

This is sponsored content from Blogher and Proctor & Gamble


How do you make a million dollars?  First:  Get a million dollars.  - Steve Martin

So, I was born with no eyelashes.  Okay.  I do have them, but they are about two millimeters long and quite pitiful. 

Mascara is my friend.  It has been since my mom allowed me to wear it.

I have worn all kinds of mascara with all kinds of brushes dressed in all kinds of tubes.  I have been the friend of curved brushes, straight brushes, thick wands, thin wands, waterproof, five hour, 10 hour, 18 hour (apparently there was a time when I stayed up for 18 hours at a time). 

I remember when experts told us our mascara wasn't working because we needed to throw it out every six months.  I also remember when they told us not to pump the mascara because that would activate certain chemicals and that could cause us to go blind.

After years of going through every conceivable kind of mascara I developed some serious eye sensitivities.  So, I switched to Clinique for everything.  For years I have worn Clinique mascara. 

Until about a month ago when I desperately needed some mascara.  If I remember correctly, it was right before Halloween.  I know it's hard to imagine that I would not plan well and not have the things I needed on hand, but that's precisely what happened.

So, when I was at the grocery store I decided to give Cover Girl a try.  I bought the LashBlast 24 Hour Mascara.  My first question:  Who stays up for 24 hours?  And subsequent questions:  Aren't we supposed to diligently remove all make-up at the end of the day in order to prevent aging which can occur seconds after you go sleep with make up still on your face?  So, who stays up for 24 hours?  Aren't their eyes so bloodshot by then that no amount of quality mascara is going to help them?

Regardless I bought it.  And, I liked it. 

The crazy coincidence is that this opportunity to post about it came up after I'd been using it for a few weeks.  So, here's what I can honestly say about it (because lying sucks and I suck at it):  It's not clumpy as I kinda expected it to be (sorry, CoverGirl).  It's surprisingly light in it's non-clumpiness.  In other words, it looks like you have mascara on (in a natural kind of way), but it doesn't feel like you have mascara on (that's really important for sensitive contact wearers like me).  It lasts for the entire time I am awake (which is no where close to 24 hours).  Someday I will test it for 24 hours and write another post.  Kidding! 

I like it and if you want to try it, there are some great deals right now. 

Here’s the deals:

15% off on a first-time order from a new customer, using promo code: A9Z-MN5-KY3-ISA

Free Shipping on orders over $25

Free Samples with every order

 

Click the links below to find them.  If you normally use this kind of mascara - please click my links and buy some more!  Great deals are to be had.

 

CoverGirl LashBlast 24HR Mascara http://www.pgestore.com/women/cosmetics/covergirl-lashblast-24hr-mascara/022700574155,default,pd.html?cm_mmc=Blogger-_-Site-_-Site+Placement-_-0066

You can also find great deals on another Proctor and Gamble product I can honestly say that I love - Crest Whitestrips.  Love.  Them.  I have had my teeth professionally whitened because I love white teeth, but Crest Whitestrips are a fabulous way to keep them white in between whitenings (because teeth can never be too white, right?).  So, if you need white teeth - click on over and get ya some.

Crest 3D White Whitestrips Professional Effects - 20 pouches http://www.pgestore.com/health/oral-care/whitestrips/crest-3d-white-whitestrips-with-advanced-seal-professional-effects-enamel-safe-dental-whitening-kit-20-pouches/037000201786,default,pd.html?cm_mmc=Blogger-_-Site-_-Site+Placement-_-0066

Crest 3D White 2-Hour Express Whitestrips - 4 Treatments http://www.pgestore.com/health/oral-care/whitestrips/crest-3d-white-2-hour-express-whitestrips-dental-whitening-kit-4-treatments/037000481270,default,pd.html?cm_mmc=Blogger-_-Site-_-Site+Placement-_-0066

Crest 3D White Whitestrips Intensive Professional Effects 7 Count http://www.pgestore.com/health/oral-care/whitestrips/crest-3d-white-whitestrips-intensive-professional-effects-7-count/037000820062,default,pd.html?cm_mmc=Blogger-_-Site-_-Site+Placement-_-0066

There are a whole bunch more fab deals right now from Procter and Gamble.  Check them out if you are so inclined.  Thanks for the read! 

My regular posting will resume as soon as I can get out from under wrapping paper, cookie dough, and not-yet-started Christmas cards.

Is Christmas early this year? Or, is it just me?

CHEEZUS, people.  Short list:

1.  Buy presents.

2.  Wrap them.

3.  Make consolidated list with which to buy presents.

4.  Do not get distracted.

5.  Work out in preparation for another eating binge to rival Thanksgiving 2012 dubbed "Eatageddon".

6.  Buy soon to be 11 year old (when did that happen?) presents for his birthday...in FIVE DAYS.  *hit.

7.  Find out what said soon to be 11 year old wants.

8.  Learn to count on a list.

7.  Do not get distracted.

8.  Make a list for making the list.

9.  Drink a beer...or possibly a shot would be better?  In the head?

10.  Look at the calendar and see exactly when Christmas is.

11.  Have a panic attack because there is no way all of this is going to get done and spend the rest of the day being distracted and overwhelmed.

Shoot me.  Now.

Don't expect a thank you card and my restrooms aren't that clean either.

So, Christmas always make me feel like an underachiever.  Which I am.   So, I guess Christmas is like honesty?  Anyway.  Here's the short list.

1.  I got a Christmas card from some dear friends today and it is cute, clever, and their family is gorgeous.  I was shocked and a little disappointed to find out people still send Christmas cards.  Shocked because I have seen more than one poll on social media (oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone said "social media") lately that asked whether it was kosher to said out electronic Christmas cards (see what I just did there).  Disappointed because the guilt is laid for me to send out cards now.

Anyway.  My Christmas card (if they actually make it out before Christmas) is going to be a (most likely illegal) reprint of the photo I paid five bucks for at our church this past Sunday.  It's all four kids with Santa.  Boy child wouldn't wear the coordinated outfit I had selected for him, Girl 1 doesn't believe in Santa so she's eyeing the Santa suspiciously, the Santa is Mexican, Girl 3 is smiling but in a different direction than everyone else, and did I mention I paid only five bucks for the photo?  If I'm feeling merry I will put a saying on it.  If not, it will say "Merry Christmas!"

2.  Girl 1 and I went running the other day and I asked her if she still believed in Santa.  Now, maybe this was self-serving, but it's over now so who cares?  She said (not her exact words because my memory is a sieve), "Well, you better tell me if there is a Santa or not before I have kids of my own because that would really stink if I relied on Santa and didn't buy any presents and then there was no Santa.  Right?  Because then my kids wouldn't get any presents and it would be my fault.  Do you know how bad that would be, mom?"  Good point.  I'm all about honesty, so I just told her the truth (no, not that there really is a Santa if you truly believe or whatever).  After I came clean with all the lies I've told over the years (I felt a little like I'd been to therapy) she said, "Well, I never really believed it.  I mean flying reindeers, mom?  Come on.  Who made all that stuff up anyway?  Seems like whoever it was they could have done better than that."  Is she my daughter?

3.  I can't keep a restroom clean during the holidays to save my life.  Every blessed day it's like World War III in there.  We have about 8000 trees in our backyard and every year around this time our backyard is like a horror movie about leaves.  I sweep a small leaf bag up in my house daily and daily I consider using a leaf blower inside instead of a broom.  The bathroom is the worst.  Not only is it normal bathroom yuck (remember six people regularly use the bathroom downstairs plus friends) but to make it worse, there are leaves and mulch all over the floor.  I have my Christmas scenter in there and my Christmas soap, but people it's just not working.  My mother would be appalled.

4.  I believe in thank you cards, but I just never write them.  I know, I know.  Again, my mother would be appalled.  She firmly believed in thank you cards.  And, in theory, so do I.  I am so thankful.  In my heart.  But, on paper - it's a whole other beast.  First you have to find the cards.  Then you have to find the time to write the cards.  Then you have to remember who gave you what (because I never remember to write that stuff down).  Then you have to mail or deliver the cards.  Both of which can be problematic.  Stamps.  Memory to remember to give the cards to the people.  Are you tired?  Because I am.  So, here's the deal.  Feel free to send me all kinds of Christmas presents.  Just know you are never going to get a thank you card.  But, I will be so thankful in my heart. 

5.  Every year for the past few years we have gotten a couple of gorgeous plates of Christmas cookies.  How do these people do it?  Here's how Christmas cookie making in my house usually goes.  I spend hours on Pinterest and the internets searching for fabulous cookie decorating tips and ideas.  I finally make the cookies and have all these grandiose ideas of how I am going to decorate them.  The kids sense I am going to try and do something fun by myself and they come from miles to get in on my alone time.  I end up making a lot more frosting because half of theirs ends up on the floor, in their mouths, in their sibilings' hair, and on the furniture.  They manage to eat, "decorate," destroy, or break almost all the cookies then they scatter like cockroaches when I tell them it's time to clean everything up.  I end up too tired to decorate the two cookies that remain so I just slap some black (because that's the only color that's left) frosting on them and call it a day.  Hubby comes in and says, "What are you doing?"  I say, "Oh, just decorating Christmas cookies."  He says, "Why did you do the trees black?"

Honesty people.  It's the best policy.  I'm going to stop blogging now and try and work on my pirated 2012 Christmas cards. 

Try to have a great week.

Hello, Blog. Remember me?

It's December as evidenced by a serious lack of posts.

Here is the short list.

1.  I hate Elf on a Shelf.  WTF?  My hatred for this creepy guy is about equal to the amount of crap that I have to see about what he's done.  I will say about him what I say about dogs who $hit on the floor, "Hot dog."  I am sorry if that doesn't make sense to you.  (It's 5:30 a.m.)

2.  It's 5:30 a.m.  And here I am blogging.  When I got up early to work.  Damn it.  I hate it when I do this.

3.  I have not started any Christmas shopping because in a rage and fit of anger I told the kids Christmas was cancelled (I think that was before Halloween).  Can Christmas be cancelled?

4.  I will be attending three Christmas parties in three days this weekend.  This makes me delighted in that I haven't felt this popular since one time in high school when my name was called over the loud speaker and it was said that I had won something (that was later explained as a mistake).  It also makes me feel like Christmas parties make the list right there with:  work, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and other things I am obliged to do.

6.  I can't count.

7.  I am considering just buying more storage boxes for our Christmas decorations for my Christmas presents.  This is just wrong on so many levels.

8.  I miss you guys and Pinterest as much as I miss no grey hair.

9.  Life has been incredibly not funny lately.  This is actually a good thing because it means all my kids (and hubby) are being fairly well behaved.  I am pleased that we all might be learning how to get along and a little disappointed that I really have nothing to say.

10.  I have no desire to eat sweets.  At this exact moment.  (Did I say it's just after 5:30 a.m.?)  I will ride this train until it stops.  Which judging from past experience should be around 8:00 p.m. tomorrow night when I will want more beer and a sandwich.  And maybe some chocolate cake after that.

11.  I still suck at wrapping presents.  Seriously?  I am The Worst Wrapper Ever.  People actually sent me videos last year on Facebook to help me.  It didn't help.  When do kids reach the age where I can just go, "There.  Here's your Target bag with your presents in it."  I am really like Santa in that way.  Doesn't he just put everything in a big black bag?  Or do all the creepy elves do the wrapping?  If it's the creepy elves, maybe I need some of those guys?

12.  Y'know how we don't have cable?  Well every year I wait for all the Christmas shows on regular T.V.  Yeah, I know.  Like who does that anymore?  ME.  Well, I think I missed Rudolph.  Damn it.  That's my FAVORITE.  Now I have to wait until next year.  Again, this is wrong on so many levels.

P.S.  (Because at 5:30 a.m. I cannot be expected to remember things well.)  13.  Yesterday hubby and I went to see a lawyer (not a divorce lawyer).  In the span of about an hour (because we were paying her by the hour and she gets paid $380 an hour so you know I was doing some serious clock watching) she told us she used to be an RN and she had an MBA.  Yowza.  And now she's a lawyer who makes $380 an hour?  I left feeling like a serious under achiever.  Oh, and she asked us to sign a contract.  Is it weird that I was confused?  "Um, I'm going to have to have my lawyer review this.  Oh, wait..."

That's all I got.  My kids are now up.  

Have a great weekend, guys and I hope I am back in the land of the blogging soon. 

Lessons for a future Monster-in-Law

It's cyber Monday and I thought that called for a guest post. No, it's not hubby. Although, after all the encouragement he has received on Facebook (yes, two people is encouraging) and in the comments - hubby is seriously considering guest posting. (At least that *might* be what all the sighing is about?)


This comes from a lovely friend and reader who would like to remain anonymous. And as I do with all fabulous pieces of writing that I read and concur with, I say, "Yes. What she said." I heart you, Anonymous!

Dear future daughter-in-law:

 

I am writing to you, taking full advantage of “cyber” archival technology, taking fully for granted that my son will marry (a girl) and hopeful that mine and my husband's child rearing ability will prove him capable of choosing a lovely, nurturing, emotionally and mentally capable mate, to impart some of my expectations for our future interactions.

This being the future, I can utilize my own mother-in-law’s mannerisms and behavior with me towards better fostering a loving respectful relationship with you, hopefully my future grand kid(s) and keep you from encouraging my son to prematurely put me into some purgatory elder care facility.

So here is a list of some habits I will promise either to do or at best, to avoid:

1. I will try to remain flexible at all costs, especially when we go out to dinner, and will not torment the wait staff with extraordinary and impractical requests, i.e. keeping a char-grilled piece of meat from tasting as if it were put on a flaming grill (“char-grilled” as it were).
2. Although I do occasionally enjoy being the center of attention, I will not steal your child’s thunder by comparing his school project to a ridiculous “first prize” that was awarded for bringing a candle collection to school (a million years ago). Or talk about my underwear choices, past and present.
3. I will always cede to your authority in your kitchen, will not second guess your capability to stock your pantry and will not bring my own recipe ingredients unless you ask me too.
4. On the previous thought: I will not overstay my welcome, and do my best to stay in hotels with swimming pools when visiting, unless you directly invite me and your future father-in-law into your home which has large enough guest accommodations (that make it seem like we aren’t even there) that hopefully my son has provided you with.
5. I will babysit, change diapers, and let you have quality time with my son at every given opportunity, or keep your kid(s) and mine entertained so you may escape our family dynamic as necessary.
6. I promise not to obsess over minutia...for hours...and flag down innocent UPS drivers who are just trying to do their job on a holiday weekend when driving on your street (true story).
7. Even though I do have a natural competitive nature, I will not whine when I play Sorry with your kid, and I will be a good sport when I’m losing.
8. I will try not to tell you about all of my health issues unless you ask, and not bring up death at the corner of every conversation.
9. Have I mentioned that I will not steal your thunder, or your kid’s, or anybody else’s for that matter? And I will not dominate the conversation or steer any abstract topics of conversation to revolve around some aspect of my life (ie: how driving directions can somehow turn into how an elderly elementary school teacher refused to remember me at a 50 year reunion 50 years later).
10. If I want to know what to get my son for Christmas or his birthday, I will ask him because he probably knows what he wants or needs is hopefully mature enough to realize the “magical surprise” of the holidays or birthdays should be reserved for children.  And I won’t bring lame catalogs for your kid(s) to pick lame gifts from.

My dearest future daughter-in-law, may you be my son’s perfect mate, and may I always be on my best behavior.

 

Love, Your Future Mother-(not Monster)-in-Law

 

PS:  Should you prove to be a harpy in the guise of a dove, know that I have a war chest stocked with experience and have learned from the best.

How To Letter to Hubby on His Death Bed

This really happened at around 2:00 a.m. the other night.  (Hubby is an insomniac and comes to bed around 2:00 a.m. when I have been sleeping peacefully for about four hours.  He is Not Quiet so I wake up.  Usually I go right back to sleep.  Except when he wants to discuss philosophy, the history of the world, politics, or science with me.)

Hubby:  I learned something that I had previously had wrong today.

Me:  (This space is intentionally blank.)

Hubby:  I had always thought that the moon waxes and wanes the opposite of what it does in relation to low and high tide.

Me: 

Hubby:  Y'know?  I always thought that when the moon waxes it was low tide and when the moon wanes it was high tide.  But, really it's just the opposite.

Me:

Hubby:  Babe?  Did you know that?  Were you confused, too?

There's more.  Much more.  But, I won't put it in the post because I think you get the idea.  In case you are slow, let me lay it out for you. 

1.  I did not even know that the moon waxed and waned in relation to low and high tide.  I was on the "A" honor roll for I think my entire life, but I have a short-to-no-term memory.  So, although hubby claims I should have learned all this in school (elementary school), I don't remember any of it. 

2.  I like to sleep.  A lot.  Next to breathing, sleeping is my favorite thing to do.  When I fill out any kind of application and they ask for hobbies, I put "sleeping."  It follows that I do not like my sleep interrupted by things I do not know and do not care about (at 2:00 a.m.). 

3.  I think expecting me to have an intelligent conversation (involving science, politics, history, or philosophy) at any time is slim to none.  At 2:00 a.m., it's like getting Girl 3 to eat spinach.  As I am sure hubby will tell you - I know pitifully little about these subjects.  He often says to me - in *kind of* a condescending tone, "And you have a master's degree?"  So, really.  I just can't do it or I might throw up.

Fast forward to the following day.  We were outside eating breakfast and hubby had made this roaring fire.

Me:  This is a great fire. 

Hubby:  Thanks.

Me:  Someday I need to learn to make a fire like this.  But, with like flint and sticks like you did.  Not kerosene and a match.  Because someday I might not have kerosene.  Or a match. 

Hubby:  Mm-hmm.  You probably should learn that.

Me:  In fact, don't die because then I won't be able to have any fires like this.  And, by the way, how did you get that camp lantern to work again?

Hubby:  Oh, it just needed blah, blah, blah (when he speaks to me about stuff like that it sounds just like Charlie Brown's mom.....if she were also Chinese).  You just need to blah, blah, blah and then you can insert the blah, blah, blah into the blah.  It's pretty easy.

Me:  Well, don't die because I won't be able to get the lantern to work either.  Y'know there's so many things I won't be able to do if you die.  I think I'll take a pen and paper to the hospital when you are dying and I'll make a How To list really quick.  And then you can tell me everything I need to know before you die.  In fact, that's a good idea.  I probably need to start writing down all the sh*t I can't do and don't know now so I can be prepared to take the list to the hospital.

Hubby:  You could just do it now.

Me:  What?  The list?

Hubby:  No.  You could just learn to do all the stuff now.  Like before I die.  So, you'd know how?  And you'd know stuff? 

Me:  Like now?  I don't have time to learn all that stuff now!  I barely have time to make the list!  What are you, crazy?

We continued for a little while longer and then (after a lot of sighing at me) hubby got up abruptly to get more coffee (I think he even said something like, "I'm gonna need more coffee."  Rude!).

But, these two conversations shocked me into thinking I really don't know enough!  Hubby has been covering my a$$ in the political, historical, scientific, philosophical realm for far too long!  And I love my idea about the How To list.  So, I've decided to start my list.  Here's what I have so far:

How To Letter (or just How Letter or just Can You Please Tell Me This Sh*t Letter) to Hubby on His Death Bed

1.  How do you make a fire?  And a wheel?

2.  How do you put those little white flammable thingies into the camp lantern to make light?  Those white thingies make the light, right?

3.  How does the moon change in relation to the tide (because now, frankly, I am intrigued)?

4.  How does photosynthesis work again (that ones mostly for when Girl 3 asks because I am pretty sure last time it came up all the other kids explained it to me)?

5.  Who shot Lincoln again?  And why?

6.  Why are we here?

7.  Where do we have all the other money?  Like the money I can never spend?  There is other money, right?  RIGHT?

8.  Who was Genghis Khan again?

9.  What's a Libertarian exactly?

10.  How does the Yukon engine work and why do I need to know this?

I know it's not nearly as comprehensive as it needs to be, but I'll keep working on it and I figure when hubby's on his death bed ready to kick out it will give him a little something to hang on for.  Y'know?