What I Am Thankful For This Thanksgiving

First - the title. Yes, it's kindergarten. Sorry. Yes, it's going to be a list. You know you want it and when you think about it - have missed my lists. Yes, it's I Can't Remember How Many Days AFTER Thanksgiving - but, I've been a little busy. So...here goes (oh, I am feeling really thankful today - so if you are like me you will skip to the end and decide then if it's worth the read ;o).... - but know that you might skip yourself.

I am thankful....

1. for Smokey Robinson. I have had this amazing song running through my head for so many days now - "Take a good look at my face. You'll see my smile looks out of place. If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears."

2. JC knows how to cook amazingly well. Who knew? I didn't know the breadth of it. She kept my family fed for a while. AND I am thankful for all the other stuff she did for our family (too extensive to list ;o).

3. CB knows how to shop at Costco. Wow. Is it two kids and a husband that likes to eat? I don't know. But, that woman can shop and shop well. See the last sentence of #2 as well.

4. for SM and her calling me from across the globe to make sure I was okay. I love a woman that will tackle a time change for a friend.

5. for MG. What can I really say here? So, this is what I have thought - We've been friends since middle school. She knows more about me than most people and still is my friend. She is here for me through thick and thin. I love/loved her parents. She saved me from possible injury by driving me to and from Kerrville. I love her.

6. for a dear friend of long ago who has been sending me really, really kind messages on FB and my blog. You know who you are. That she would take the time to do that. Did I say wow? Wow again.

7. for LH. Her ways inspire me to be a better more thoughtful parent and friend. Always has and probably always will.

8. for my family. What else can I say here? There are no words.

9. for S. who sat through the Nutcracker (where I did not want to be) smiling and innocent. I love her with all my heart.

10. for love lost.

11. for M. who said (and I am paraphrasing here because I can't remember the exact words), "Grandpa didn't die and he's the one who makes cookies."

12. for C. For her prayer every night without ceasing, "I pray for grammy and grandpy."

13. for JW for just asking quietly, "How are you? You doing okay?" oh, and for putting up with ALL my kids ALL the time. AND see #2 last sentence.

14. for all the sweet, sweet FB condolences. Crazy, eh? That just sounds "not right." Like, "That kid ain't right."

15. for The Chandler Family. I am so not used to that - that I couldn't remember who the heck it was when I saw the gorgeous plant. ;o)

16. for my great P and P customers who forgave my late prints and came to my house to pick up others. They will never read this, but I have put key to screen and that makes me feel better.

17. that nine years ago someone told me, "Write three things you are thankful for everyday - even if you don't feel like it." At the time I think I thought, "Well, that's stupid." But, I did it.

18. that I have already been through hell on earth a few times to prepare my heart for these days.

19. whoever did something great for me and didn't make the list will forgive me because I am feeble-minded. ;o) Or they will remind me in the comments so that I can thank them tomorrow. ;o)

20. for MM. A person who knows what hell on earth feels like because she is going through it right now. But, in her pain takes the time to check on me. For her sincerity and genuineness after all these years.

21. for DL for crying (I hate to do that) on the phone with me.

22. for love lost (did I say that already?).

Day 12 or The First Epiphany

I don't remember much about losing Frank. And the body is probably designed that way for your own protection, self preservation, and well-being. ;o) What I do remember comes to me vividly and is triggered by odd random things. I remember sitting on the toilet (not using the toilet - just sitting there to have to avoid actually talking and interacting with people - basically wallowing in my sorrow) in my friend's house which she had so graciously offered to us while we were going through the depositions. There was a Reader's Digest on her bed stand that I had picked up and taken in the restroom. I flipped through it and stumbled upon an article about a woman whose husband was an Olympic athlete (I think I have this story right and someone who reads my blog - oh, wait does anyone read my blog besides me? - may know who this actually is) had lost her husband and months later her daughter to (I think) disease and accident. Okay, now that I am writing this - the details are sketchy. MAIN POINT being - she was suffering a lot. Her life was rocked like an earthquake - 10 on the scale. But, she came out on top. She took all her pain and used it for good to help other people. She became this amazing motivational speaker. It was really at the time an amazing read for me. I remember so vividly thinking - holy cow. There are people who go through 100 times worse than I am going through right now and guess what - they not only live they make the best of it. Buck up, baby. It was an epiphany. Not the last - just the first.

Last night I was flipping channels and stopped on the Catholic channel because I love it sometimes. Father Eddie was talking about justice. Of course I thought of mom. Justice was high in her book. It was a really good conversation about advent being for justice and treating your fellow man with humanity because that is what we are called to do. But one thing Father Eddie said struck me right in the head. He said, "Jerusalem, take off your robe of mourning and misery; put on the splendor of glory of God forever." Baruch 5:1. Now, that just happens to be for this Sunday's readings, and it thumped me on the forehead. But, then he said (like he could see me flopped on the couch) - and I am paraphrasing a little because I can't remember how he said it exactly, "Now, I've had a bad week. I have been crying and having a pity party for myself but then I went to BAMC and saw a guy whose leg was shot off in the war and a bunch of other soldiers who weren't doing so great. And I was lifted up." Hmm.

This could be the first epiphany for me.

30 Days of Grieving....I'll Take It

My aunt sent my dad a little book of prayers with 30 Days of Grieving. I am slightly confused by the 30 days, although I am sure there is a good explanation for that. I think my Organized Sister has made a copy of said book for everyone. So, maybe I will understand later. If I remember correctly from the last serious loss I suffered about 9 years ago - it was more like 365 Days of Grieving. But, ah well. Anyway, I have decided to do my own book (and I use that term loosely).

So, this is Day 11. What does it feel like? So far (and, keep in mind it's 7:00 a.m.) much like Day 10 and Days 1-9. Do I have a prayer for the day? Yes, I do. It goes like this: God, give me the strength to get through the day. Numb my brain so that I can focus on what I need to do. Touch my heart so that it feels love instead of emptiness. And, let my thoughts wander away from mom to other things that will bring comfort instead of unending pain. Amen.

So, I will write

Sometimes it helps. Only the decent stuff actually gets "published," but I am up and writing most everyday. Most of it deleted upon finishing...Not sure what will happen today. Mom has been dead now for 10 days. And, today I am actually feeling quasi-normal. Haven't cried yet. I have a to-do list sitting right next to my lap-top...staring dreadfully at me. There is nasty turkey still in the fridge, I can smell Starbucks coffee, and the laundry is fairly caught-up. If you didn't know - it might seem like any other Monday after Thanksgiving. But, sadly, this one is way different. There is just that big hole in my heart that I can't seem to get around. There are the million times throughout the day that I think, "Ah, mom will like that. I will have to remember to tell her the next time we talk." There is just the nagging headache that I realize is from days and days with no sleep. There is just that brief moment every morning that I wake from sleep and forget that mom is dead and the world seems great. Then, I remember. Mom is dead. And that feeling just consumes me and I wish I could go back to sleep. There is the fact that the kids went back to school today. Smiling faces full of the anticipation that the post- Thanksgiving pre-Christmas season will bring. So, I am alone with baby. Ugh. Any other time I would welcome it. Today I am not sure I can bear it. So, I will start my to-do list and manage the day. Because I do know that time heals all wounds. Or at least time buries them deep enough so that they only emerge when you least expect it. Besides #1 on my list is Get Up (apparently I was feeling pretty productive when I wrote the list). So, technically I am ahead of schedule. Yippee. It's going to be a good one! Till the 11th day..................

Well, the laundry ain't getting done

So, I had forgotten the joys of cutting the first year molars. Apparently the symptoms are: whininess, nasty poop, no appetite, whininess, uncontrollable drooling, snot, whininess, suck everything I can get in my mouth, and did I say whininess? Well, let me just say if you don't have kids, had kids and forgot, or are currently with kids - the joys of teething are endless and should be experienced by everyone. :o)

I know you are wondering, Could anything make cutting the first year molars easier? Funny you should ask! YES! Another child with flu-like symptoms. Add that to the mix and you have a PARTY on your hands.

So, here is a to-not-do list for today. If you have never heard of a to-not-do list let this be your introduction. It is pretty self-explanatory and gets replaced with "1. Act as a nurse."

1. Laundry (see title)
2. Piggies and Paws prints
3. Purchasing for our house re-do (that one is okay because there is no money in the checking account anyway) ;o)
4. Any miscellaneous cleaning (which when I do it is pretty haphazard and unenthusiastic anyway)
5. Cooking
6. Make kids' follow-up dental appointments

So (and this mostly goes out to the other five people I live with - five of whom don't read the blog - so I am not sure how this will help them - but it will dang sure make me feel better), the laundry ain't getting done today and for dinner - how 'bout you help yourselves to some leftover Halloween candy? You don't need a fork or knife, there's plenty of it, and since I can't make your follow-up dental appointments the coast is clear for guilt-free eating.

Cutting the Apron Strings....Thread by Thread

Okay, so my kids are 7, 6, 5 and 1 so the cutting we are talking about here is minuscule comparatively. That being said, being that I am a total Law and Order FANATIC makes any kind of 'cutting of threads that tie me to my kids' extremely difficult. I experience anxiety about crazy things and constantly work to keep that at bay. So, it was with this slightly frantic frame of mind that I let my seven year old venture out last night on his first night without me or his dad.

First rule of Letting Your Kids Be Away From You With Other Parents - always, always, always know the parents you are entrusting with your child. Know their values, trust them, and know that they will protect your child......I had never meant them.

Second rule - don't start out with something really, really huge like going to a venue that seats - oh about 10,000??? Consider something smaller - like a birthday party.........He went to AT and T center.

Third rule - always discuss with your child your expectations for his behavior, stranger danger, etc., etc. CHECK! Did that! Drilled him for 8 days!!! Specifically for 8 days - otherwise my kids are drilled on this everyday of their lives. ;o)

The good news is that even though mom broke a few rules, it all turned out okay and bubby got to experience Walking With the Dinosaurs which we would never be able to afford to send him to. Yay Bubby! I hope to post pictures soon. :o)

I had to laugh at me and E. sitting on the couch watching yet another episode of Law and Order (me also praying constantly in my head), though, waiting for him to come home. It provided an eerie look into the future and I know I am not ready for that. Good thing this will come thread by thread. ;o)

Halloween...a day and night for rule changing

When you try to cram too much into Halloween day two things are going to happen. 1. The kids are going to throw giant fits and turn into devil children. 2. The pumpkins are going to get carved the day AFTER Halloween. So, we did what we could and had a blast doing it. Here are our pictures. Enjoy! Oh, and this would really be scary if I did this Halloween post without a LIST. Have no fear:

LIST OF RANDOM THINGS RELATED TO HALLOWEEN:

1. Attending a potluck on Halloween when you have four kids is a GREAT idea. Mess up someone else's kitchen, feed your kids, and get out while you can and before total meltdown (that will come later when their bellies are full of sugar and they are up 40 hours after their bedtime). (Thank you B.C.)

2. Porch lights off = not participating in Halloween is a good idea, but not necessarily a time honored tradition in our neighborhood (that's for you, K.E.). It could just mean they are busy and will answer when they are good and ready with lots of candy for your kids who are already on to the next house.

3. Although I do not fully understand Neighbors Who Have No Kids But Who Decorate Above and Beyond for Halloween - I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

4. Generally kids crossing the street from side to side after dark wearing dark clothing and heads covered with masks making breathing and seeing virtually impossible is really, really dangerous. But on Halloween - it's encouraged, required, and seemingly healthy.

5. Candy when given without restriction can cause a catatonic stage followed by bursts of strange and lively activity. This cycle can continue until the child can either no longer walk to the area where the candy is, or cannot muster the energy to come out of the trance.

6. Halloween Mainland Square 2009 was the best one that I can remember (except for last year). :o)