Friday, March 29, 2013

Top 10 Ways I Am Nicer Than A Substitute

Real life conversation:

Boy Child:  We had a sub today.  It was Ms. So and So.  She's so nice.  I think she's my favorite sub ever.

Girl 2:  Isn't she the one who has a strict policy of no screaming?

Boy Child:  Yes.  She's so unbelievably patient.  I really like her.

Girl 2:  Oh my gosh.  I love her.

MeReally?  You love her?  Isn't that a bit strong?  Y'know for a sub?  But I guess the no screaming thing sounds like a good policy.  Is she young?

Boy Child:  No.  She's a retired teacher.  I think she's about 67.  And, really mom.  Lots of kids love her.

Girl 1:  Oh, yeah.  She's super, super nice.  I wish I had been in her class when she was still teaching.

*more gushing about said substitute teacher*

Boy Child:  Yeah.....she's nicer than you, mom.

*dead silence*

Girl 1:  Aw.  That's kinda mean.  I don't think she makes chocolate chip cookies like least I don't think she does.  At least she hasn't brought them to school.

Me:  I'm right here.  I can hear you.

So, I bring you - The Top 10 Ways I Am Nicer Than A Substitute (Kinda..........depending on what kind of day I'm having and who the substitute is)

10.  I don't feel pressured to wear holiday sweaters or jewelry.  I just do it out of pure love for the holidays and the kids.

9.  I have a disobedient dog who is an asshead, but I don't run him over with my Yukon because the kids love him.

8.  When I see kids I know in the supermarket and my cart is full of beer and tampons, I don't hide.  I go right up and say, "Hey!  Don't I know you?"

7.  I don't need a lesson plan that someone else wrote to direct my day.  I fly straight by the seat of my pants.  Usually this involves something nice.  And fun.

6.  I have a strict policy of no screaming.  Instituted Monday through Friday between the hours of midnight and 2 a.m.

5.  I don't rely on the "know it all" in the room to tell me what to do.  I just know instinctively what I am supposed to do.  Sometimes it involves screaming.  It is sometimes nice.  And fun.

4.  I don't use bribery to make the kids behave.

3.  I usually know all my  kids' names.

2.  I can nicely improvise better than frat kids on quarter drink night.

And the top reason why I am nicer than a substitute:

1.  I make chocolate chip cookies.


Shannon said...

I think you are better than a substitute because you willing put up with me and my crew when we blowing into town every-so-often. Oh, and the cookies are good too.

jamiew said...

when my kid says "so&so is nicer than you" i reply with: "perhaps you should live with so&so and see if they will trim your filthy toenails for you."

Monica said...

@shannon - well, the consensus is that i am nicer than some subs, but not all subs. i'll take it! @jamiew - do you see who stuck up for me? kind of. i am only going to trim her nails from now on.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

I bet your no screaming policy makes you popular with the neighbours ;P

Monica said...

@kellie - omg. that and the asshead puppy who helps neighbors with the "gardening." cheesus. don't you wish you lived by me?

Celeste said...

I think your dog might actually be related to my cat. And I don't run him over either.

Monica said...

@celeste - y'know the kids would just never forgive us. yesterday i gave puppy a bath while he tried to do gymnastics and humping all over my leg with mud and mulch on him (yeah, we bonded) and i must say today much of my hatred is gone.....well, MUCH might be a tad strong. good luck with kittie!

Elle said...

Oh my gosh, not running over your asshead dog with the Yukon has me in nonstop giggles. Lol!

Monica said...

@elle - i'm pretty sure that puppy owes me his life time and time again. although, after being with girl 3 for just a few minutes i am sure he wishes he'd been euthanized at least a few times daily.

Anonymous said...

Being my daughter's teacher (once a week) AND her mom (all the friggin' time) has made me wish I could hire a substitute once in awhile - for the mom duties, not the school ones. But I would hire a mean one, so she would appreciate me more. I certainly wouldn't hire you because your reluctance to run over the dog proves that you are far too nice. Plus, you are hilarious, and I would NOT want her comparing us in that area!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - i am afraid my kids think i am "mean" and "not really that funny." in fact, they often say in a deadpan voice, "mom, that was not funny. at all." (as i am laughing my a$$ off at something i've said.) boo. that does not make me like them.

WeezaFish said...

Monicaaaaaaaaa! Ahem. Sorry, been a while since I did any blog reading a little over excited to be here. You are SO much better than a sub. The subs when I was at school were taken advantage of if they were too kindly anyway. Guess I went to a rough school ha!

Monica said...

@weeza - glad to see ya, lady. thanks for the read - i know you must have a lot to catch up on and i am honored that you stopped by. ;o) hugs!