Last night marks the third time I have been "oriented" to being a parent of a second grader. Thursday night I will be oriented to third grade for the second time, and later this year I will be First Communion parent oriented for the third time (Catholics are harsh ). And, as I was sitting there intrigued and fascinated, I thought about CLEPping. Remember that? Maybe you are going through it now, or maybe you are old enough to have a child going through it. I remember it from high school Spanish. And I remember experiencing CLEPping again for college math courses. For those of you inexperienced with it - it's when you can just take a test in order to "CLEP" out of a subject that presumably you already know. Officially CLEP stands for: College Level Entrance Program.
So, as I'm sitting there last night learning how to make sure my second grader is doing her math facts in the appropriate amount of time I stumbled on what could be my million dollar idea. (Good news, eh? I was tempted to text hubby during his Important Work Meeting - which prevented HIM from attending said orientation - to let him know.) My idea was/is - why not have presumably knowledgeable parents take a Parent Orientation CLEP for each elementary grade level??? Now, I know what you are thinking....but, Monica, IS there a CLEP for Parent Orientation? Well, that's where the idea comes in! I decided to design one! I am starting with second grade since I figure I know that pretty well now. Lucky you - you can get in on the ground floor and read my rough draft today (aren't you happy you got up and stumbled over to your laptop?). Here it goes (let me know what you think)...
CLEP for Parents of Second Graders (correct answers to follow - you will need to turn your laptop upside down)
1. True or false: Parents must actually review their child's homework before signing off on it for the entire week and sending it back to school.
2. True or false: The second grade teacher likes it when you never check your child's Take Home and Leave At Home folder in order to remove graded papers so that by Labor Day the folder is bursting to the brim and a new folder must be purchased.
3. True or false: A progress report can be like a swift kick in the pants was in the Old Days Before Progress Reports.
4. Multiple Choice: Homework for a second grader should take approximately:
a. The amount of time it takes to pull each of the hairs out of mom's head one by one.
b. 5 hours after the screaming subsides OR until their favorite after school program comes on TV.
c. As long as it takes mom to figure out what the heck a prepositional clause is.
d. a. and b., but not c. limited clause on d.
5. True or false: Cafeterias nowadays accept all forms of credit but not actual cash. Actual cash will wind up in a mysterious place known as "I don't know what happened to it." And mom will end up owing the cafeteria $1,892.98 at the end of the year for one lunch (that wasn't even very healthy because Jamie Oliver hasn't been to our school yet).
6. True or false: Library books and textbooks are the property of the school and should they be lost or damaged see #6. for the cost to parent.
7. True or false: Student attendance at school is critical for learning at school to occur.
Author's Note: This seems like a giveaway to me, but at least five minutes is spent each year covering the importance of attendance.
8. True or false: Should your child be legitimately sick you must write a note explaining in detail the sickness (not just He/She was sick.). Example: "Please excuse Johnny. He was sick with projectile vomiting and diarrhea causing me to scrub the floors till you could eat off them, wash the sheets which hadn't been washed in weeks, and bathe the dog." Parent must sign note in blood.
9, True or false: BIRTHDAY TREATS SUCH AS CUPCAKES MAY BE SENT ON A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY (OR CLOSEST WEEKDAY SHOULD HIS/HER BIRTHDAY OCCUR ON A WEEKEND), BUT SAID TREATS WILL NOT BE EATEN IN THE CAFETERIA BECAUSE CHILDREN NOWADAYS MUST EAT THEIR LUNCH IN 27 MINUTES AND 34 SECONDS WITH NO EXCEPTIONS AND SHOVING A CUPCAKE IN THEIR MOUTHS IN ONE SECOND FLAT AND SWALLOWING WITHOUT CHEWING WOULD THROW THE ENTIRE SCHOOL TIME SCHEDULE OFF RESULTING IN CHAOS AND UNENDING CRAZINESS.
Author's Note: If it seems like I am shouting on #9...I am.
10. True or false: Your kids' public school teacher does an often thankless, underpaid job and usually loves your kid as much (and sometimes more) than you do and you should try and be nice to her or bake her some cookies sometime or send her a gift card.
That's my CLEP test! Let me know how you think you did. If you are worried that you didn't do too well, no worries: I will be publishing a study guide soon. (I decided against publishing the answers here upside down - you can send me $10 and I'll send you the correct answers - big ideas ain't cheap.)
Happy Hump Day and Happy Parent Orienting,
Quitting the Day Job