Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I won a birthday, y'all!

I am editing this post because after you win something (including when I won a fully decorated one foot tall Christmas tree in Mexico in the sixth grade ((true story))) friends and relatives come out of the woodwork to claim they had something to do with your winning and why didn't you thank them and give them some of your birthday.  Edited on 1-21-15 (pre-coffee).

So, it's my birthday.  And, I don't have many friends because I'm socially awkward and an introvert, but when you are on Facebook and it's your birthday it's pretty easy to feel like the head of the cheerleading squad in high school.  And by that I mean "a big deal."  With all this popularity (and on the heels of the Grammys which I was awake to watch this year for the first time in........ever) comes the need to write an acceptance speech. 

If that seems weird to you, I don't care.  It's my birthday and I'll write an acceptance speech if I want to.

So, without further ado, my acceptance speech:

I would like to thank my parents for potty training me.  Well, probably just my mom because I remember one time in first grade I wet my pants on the way home because it was about ten degrees below zero and I think your pee freezes right on to your skin when it's that cold and she yelled out the backdoor, "YOU BETTER NOT BE WETTING YOUR PANTS AGAIN, GIRL OR I WILL SPANK YOUR BUTT!"  So, yes.  I thank my mom for potty training me and sticking with it because apparently I did not like to "go at school" (I vaguely remember there being a curse word written in black Sharpie on the bathroom stall and that scared me).  Potty training was definitely one step along the way to many a successful birthday party!

I would like to also thank my dad for having the decency to make me accept my first job at Baskin Robbins.  It was there that I learned the importance of eating all the profits and the delightful sinfulness of eating all the profits............on your birthday.

I would like to thank my kids.  Without them I would be able to vacation for less than $10,000.  Which would totally degrade the value of a vacation for me.  And if I did not value a vacation then the commercial where they say, "One plane ticket - $650, one ticket to Disney - $400, one princess with a pirate - $8,000, two hotel rooms (one for you and one for your kids) - $2,000.  The shock on your husband's face when he gets the bill - priceless," would mean absolutely nothing to me.  I'm not sure what that has to do with birthdays, but after four kids I rarely make sense.

I would like to thank my entire staff (see above) who encouraged me to work in order to win this birthday "someday."

I would like to thank my older sister, Billy Jean, who I know is reading tonight from home because she couldn't fly down here to see me accept my birthday in person (see above for the cost of a plane ticket).  Billy Jean - I love you.  You taught me about negotiation, bribery, and maybe smuggling also?  Was that you?  Anyway!  I couldn't have done all these flippin' birthdays without you!

I would be remiss (and apparently I was) if I did not mention the rest of my wonderful siblings.  Without them I would be one of those weird people with only one sibling who share and cooperate barely better than only children.

I would like to thank my friends - real and virtual - for encouraging me to keep having birthdays and for feeding me cake and beer over the years.  Particularly one friend who dressed me for the after-parties and who sent me this card which I think explains my life:
Naturally it is Swiss cheese holding mine together so I am screwed
I'd like to thank my ancestors, the Mayans, for inventing the calendar and birthdays. 

And how could I forget my wonderful husband, Mr. DayInTheLife!  If you hadn't discovered me and gone on to be my manager, we wouldn't have made all those movies.............wait............I'm sorry I got confused.  This is my birthday acceptance speech.  Sorry!  Thanks Mr. DayInTheLife for all of my presents you are going to buy me.

And, lastly I'd like to thank God for sending me down here in my birthday suit.  Although, I question why you didn't send me in flannel P.J.'s with matching bunny head slippers since I am much more comfortable in that.

If I forgot anyone else know that this is just like a chain email that says you will die in seven days if you don't get it.  I'm sure I forgot people.  I have a really bad memory.  Forward it to people that you think I left out inadvertently!  Then they will feel good and they won't die!

And, that's all.  Again, this is such an honor and I will cherish this birthday forever!

(Cue the birthday music.)  (Me turning to exit the stage - the wrong way.  Ladies who we don't know, but who all look like Vanna White gently guiding me by the elbow to the other direction.  Why do they not just change the way people exit the stage?  In fact, I am changing that $hit right now.  Exit the way it feels natural after you accept your birthday.)

Happy Birthday, me! 


Vanessa said...

OMG! I love this so much!

Vanessa said...

OMG! I love this so much!

Monica said...

@Vanessa - I love that you loved it enough to say it twice. I love that you loved it enough to say it twice. ;o)

Anonymous said...

You are so amazingly creative! I absolutely love your speech sister!

Nomads By Nature said...

Best acceptance speech and occasion EVER. You've just created a whole new category of winner!! Hope you have so much fun at your after-party that peeing your pants might actually be a side-effect.

Monica said...

@anonymous - thank you. @nomads - you just made me laugh out loud. so, thank you.

Sally said...

You have totally made my day! You are awesome and very talented!! You made me lol before 7am.....which is unheard of for me!!!

Melissa Galban said...

Great acceptance speech, we'll said.
May have to hire u to write my speeches. Haha

Monica said...

@sally - it's the least I can do, friend. and I'm into the least I can do. ;o) @Melissa - speech writer! my new career? it has its possibilities, amirite?

Megly Mc said...

HAPPIEST OF HAPPY BIRTHDAYS, DEAR MONICA!!! And, as an only child, I can confirm, we weird fuckers who constantly talk to ourselves, because for years, no one else was around to listen. (sob) Although...because there was only one...we talked to ourselves on cheaply bought vacations. Sigh...if only.

Monica said...

@Megly Mc - you're an only child? you seem so normal. ;o) but, you are incredibly intelligent, so I should have known. my family (and my four kids) are around to sustain the gene pool average intelligence. also - I'd like to thank you personally for reading my blog. Without you...(birthday music. sappy commercial for suburu being with you for a lifetime. me being calmly yet urgently led offstage.)