Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Not a Good Idea #1

I got this hilarious book at the library the second week of school. It's a little gem called, "The Book of Bad Ideas." (No explanation necessary - it's exactly what it says it is.) Then this past weekend I was able to write my own book called "Not a Good Idea." This blog post comes with a warning. If you have a weak stomach you are going to want to skip to the last paragraph (which will most likely be a list - because I LOVE lists and I don't know if I can actually end a post without one). So, I will meet up with you at the end.

Okay, if you are still reading swallow deeply and here we go....

Last Wednesday due to serious lack of sleep, a sick baby, and the general stress of living with 4 kids - I got sick. I felt myself going down and by Saturday I was on a schedule of: walk two feet - rest two hours, clean one dish - rest two hours. It was crazy nuts. Well, of course (because this is the law of nature - when you are sick you will have great plans), we had planned to have dinner with some of Ed's family that were in town. I had a nagging voice in my head Saturday when this was discussed that it might not be the best idea since baby and I were still feeling pretty puny. But, after an intense discussion with the other adult in our house that went something like, "Well, what are you going to eat?" "Dunno." "Do you feel like cooking?" "Dunno." "Do you want me to take the kids?" "Dunno." "What would they eat?" "Dunno." and on and on in a similar vein - it was decided that we were better off going.

It seemed fine.....at first. We drove about 35 minutes to a little southside institution of a restaurant and were pretty much done with our meal when I got another little nagging voice in my head that something wasn't quite right. The young girl child was looking at me across the table with a look that, although I recognized as dangerous - I couldn't quite put my finger on (because remember I am SICK). So, in an attempt to make me recognize this look - she brought it right on across the table to me. That's when the voice in my head was shouting (only all I could make out - because I am sick - is This is Not a Good Idea). She started to say something over my shoulder when everything she had just eaten came up right into my lap (on which baby sat). I can honestly say that NOTHING in my 7 years of parenting prepared me for that. Wow. It was like a horror film...and she was Linda Blair. Just when we thought it was over....it wasn't. It continued for another 10 minutes and it spread somehow like a wildfire. It became a blur of me trying to comprehend what had just happened while caring for a sick child, a wet baby, and lots and lots of nasty, stinky, disgusting goo on me. Let's just say we cleared the restaurant on a Friday night at peak time in a matter of minutes.

Again, wow. It was just frightening. Well, there is a silver lining. It did NOT happen in the Yukon. Just me. I was just covered. Neck to waist. The girl child was sick, though perfectly clean. She had perfect aim. Baby was covered hair to waist. And we both smelled positively putrid.

So, suffice it to say, it was not a nice 35 minute trip back to the house. We now know the YUKON goes damn fast and it's really, really loud with all the windows down. Two of us had to bathe again - and when you are sick, by the way, ONE bath is an effort. Bedtime was rife with reenactions of the crime scene and I was still a little gun shy of puny kids.

Okay: Are you ready for my list? Don't worry - it's short. Short story - short list.

1. Listen to the voice in your head. Try to decipher what exactly it's saying because you might be in immediate danger.
2. If it doesn't sound like a good idea - it's probably NOT a good idea.
3. When you are not feeling well, the best place for you is in your own home.
4. Always, always, always prepare. Stock the vehicles with plastic bags, plenty of towels, soap, a change of clothes, some deodorizer, a portable shower, toothpaste...................
5. There are some things that you can just never, ever be prepared for and this is because when they happen you might need to learn a lesson the hard way. ;o)


Jae said...

Thank you, my friend, for having me cackling at 7:15am on a Friday morning! :) Even tho I'd heard it from the "horses mouth" so to speak, it's even better, to read, as you didn't give me that last bit - that list! I need that list... 2, 4 and 5. :) Love it! And amazing isn't it, after all the years of parenting, that they can STILL smuckin' catch you off-guard and unprepared?

Shannon said...

Why is it that barf stories are always so damn funny (at least after a good bath and clean up)? I am so sorry that it happened in a restaurant but damn girl that is hilarious! I can't stop laughing!

I think that may top my bunk bed barfing (hint when care for sick child on bottom bunk clear the top bunk first because that smell rises then...well picture a putrid waterfall) or even the projectile barfing hitting my head while I was driving down I10 at 80 MPH. You are the reining queen of barf. Hope you are all feeling better.

Shannon said...

Ok this is really Dave's comment cause I read it to him this evening.
Dave said there should be a 6. Don't listen to Eddie.
Also did you meet his family at the restaurant? Are they still talking to you? And which restaurant was it? I guess you aren't going back there soon.

Monica said...

Details to relay to Dave: Bud Jones - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - I will NEVER go there again. They most likely have our family picture up on the wall with "do not let in," next to it. I HAVE to listen to Ed - if I don't - he just keeps talking. And, lastly - it took his family that we met there a good while to call us and make sure we had arrived safely home. ;o) At Shannon - barf stories DO rein. I totally remember yours on I-10. THAT was a keeper story. ;o)