Growin' up leads to growin' old then to dyin' and dyin' to me don't sound like all that much fun...

Sidenote: I felt like blogging this in the middle of the night...but someone was using my toothbrush (if you don't get it - keep up).

The first time my sister called last Sunday and left me a message to call her at work I thought it was a little alarming, and I don't even have her work number. Not entirely strange, but strange enough for me to think a little about it. But I had to unpack perishables and then was off to another errand. When she left the second message to call her, I knew something was up. So, I called. I found out that another sister's husband's sister's son had gone missing around Christmas. Naturally, the family had been worried and looking for him. His body turned up New Year's Day. Self inflicted gun shot. He was 20.


I met him only two times I think. I remember mostly him being handsome and looking faintly like his mom. I knew his mom little better having met and talked to her mostly at my sister's house. But, I couldn't stop thinking about this news. Wow. So tragic. The questions. Did they suspect it was going to happen? Was he depressed? Where did he get the gun? And the question I can't stop thinking about - Did they part lovingly? I have thought about this to no end and then being the thinker I am - thought about it some more...


Monday morning I took Malcolm to the doctor for what I suspected was some kind of eye infection. It was, namely a sty, but infected with what the doctor thought might be staff. They decided to put him on antibiotics and monitor it. They did and it grew until it looked like the Elephant Man on his eye. Thursday morning the pediatrician referred him to a specialist who took one look at it, and told me "we" would have to do a "procedure" "ASAP." So, without a cell phone, I was left to make a decision (something I have never been good at). Either - admit him to a children's hospital so that he could be put under and perform the procedure there, OR - give him a local and perform the procedure at the specialist's office. Oh, and to help me make my decision the doctor told me we didn't want it to rupture because he wasn't absolutely sure what it was and he wasn't sure how soon he could get Malcolm into the hospital. Well, possible pain or possible blindness in one eye? I opted for possible pain. And pain it was. I was dutifully traumatized for putting my child through hell. The anathesia wasn't effective because halfway through the procedure he realized he was going to have to go deeper than he thought. It was somewhat like having a baby - once the baby's coming out - ain't no going back. My sister assured me the whole experience was likely much more traumatic for me.


Tuesday I found out my uncle is near death. My mom told me. Since kids I have gotten progressively worse at keeping in touch with aunts and uncles. This causes me pause - quite a bit, but I can't seem to change it. You know we find time for what is important to us. But what if the important things take more than 24 hours? My uncle, like most of my mom's siblings and my mom had a large family. He is divorced, and he has not been close to any of his kids since I have known him. I have always thought about that fact. Being the youngest of 10 I find I often don't know a lot of family details. I just use my imagination (which I can hear my mother labeling as "wild") to fill in the blanks. So, this I know: it makes me sad that my uncle grew old and will die largely without his own family...


It is Sunday again. I am sick. Baby is sick. Malcolm's eye is less frightening. I have few conclusions none of them really new. Nevertheless here they are: Being a parent can be really, really hard. We will make good decisions for our kids and not so good decisions - both of which may have lasting effects. The depth of your relationship with someone may depend on the time you put into it. I remain unsure of growing old.