I am "this many years old" (written with a smug look on my face that says - I am sick of 'I am this many years old'), y'all:
1. Get my coffee.
2. Decide, after stewing about two things for two weeks to write it down even though I have 18,000 things to do right now that do not remotely involve me sharing with anyone how I am feeling.
3. Turn on my laptop.
4. Check my email (I have deleted all but nine emails after having thousands for years, so sometimes I just check my email even though I know there's only 9 because it makes me feel like I am actually doing something useful in life).
5. Check my bank account (Because I can, y'all. I got online banking after 35 years).
6. Go to my blog's http.
7. Click 'sign-in.'
8. Make a confused face when Google asks me what account I'd like to use (5 choices pop-up). Who are these people? Why does Google have all these accounts for me? Did I make them? Google: I hate you. Do I really want to write a blog post?
9. Pick one randomly.
10. Cuss when I log-in with a password I have pulled out of my ass (and it works - there might be a God and she knows me) and Google tells me there are no blogs currently for this account. Would I like to &*%^$*&% start one? There is no god.
11. Lose the will to write anything.
12. Pull my Password Book (titled Password Book) off the shelf.
13. Cuss as I look at all the pages where I've written UPDATED PASSWORD FOR MY BLOG. Who am I? Do I even deserve a blog? DO I EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THE INTERNET WORKS? Decidedly, no and no.
14. Go to the link under Help that says, "I am a moron and I still cannot log into my blog. I have tried selling my first born and that has not worked. Please help me with a step-by-step." (Google does know me.)
15. Change my &*%^$^$# email account AND my password AND write it down in the book AND log into my blog.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Here we all are, FINALLY.
I no longer remember what I had to write and I am so mad that my fingers are making nice clicking sounds on the keys.
Okay. Here we go. The two things I have really quick since I spent most of the time I don't have logging in.
Y'all, why are high school students not packing their own lunches? This has gotten under my skin so much that it has caused me to gain weight. I think.
So, I attended a sports meeting with my sophomore the other night and when the coach asked are there any questions a mom said, "Yes. I pack Tommy his snacks and water bottle, but I just want to make sure that there is water available at the meets that he can access."
Okay. I communicate with my sophomore girl right now exclusively through texts and side-eyes except when she wants to berate me for like not buying enough blueberries. I gave her a side-eye at this point that said, "Is she f&*%$^ serious? Is Tommy in PreK?"
PLEASE NOTE: I teach PreK and I am not a judge Judy when it comes to parenting. But, this really got under my skin. If you are a sophomore in high school and you are involved in sports, should you not know how to ask for water in the Texas heat (which is still above 1000 degrees F)? AND WHY IS SHE STILL PACKING HIS SNACKS AND WATER BOTTLE??? My kids started packing their lunches (mostly under duress) when they were like in fourth grade.
When I posted this question (innocently, I thought) on Twitter (nothing is innocent on Twitter, I know), I got the interesting response that he might have a condition that would require help. Yeah, I get that. I'm a teacher and a parent of four. But, still. My PreK kids (some of whom have unique needs) take out all their own snacks and water bottles and fill up their water bottles with minimal assistance.
What I really think is going on here is something I read about last night. What is happening?? I know now that I am not the only one out there in the universe who does not need to know when my child is picking their nose. I haven't made dinner in months, you guys, let alone put trackers on my kids' phones.
Maybe this is hitting me so hard because I feel guilty all of a sudden for being such a sub-par parent or maybe it's because I am seeing sooooo many capable, yet helpless PreK students entering my class, or maybe I am turning into a cranky old lady. I suspect it's all three. So, yeah. I just had to get that off my chest.
And the other thing (yeah, go ahead, picture me):
Sophomore girl comes home the other day and tells me and her dad that she learned in her child development class about the character traits parents should have. Before she even recounted them my thought was, "Maybe I'll have one?" She carefully pointed out the ones we don't have. Even collectively.
I am My Kid Tells Me I Shouldn't Have Had Kids years old.
Immediately I thought of all the traits missing from her teacher's list. Oh, and, lest you think I'm completely heartless (you are not too far off the mark at this point) - lots of big love for HS child development teachers everywhere. I don't even know how they actually communicate with high school students.
Essential Parenting Traits (short list)
1. A sense of humor. Could this one literally not cover for all the other traits you don't have?
2. The ability to listen attentively to Minecraft drivel you don't understand for literally years even though you are thinking about how many more miles you can drive without running out of gas, is there milk in the fridge, do you have clean underwear for work tomorrow, when is Christmas.
3. The best playlist to get you through all the feels and to teach your kids what real music sounds like. (I mean shouldn't that one literally be a requirement for pregnancy?)
4. The ability to potty train a human without losing life (yours or theirs).
5. The ability to multi-task while multi-tasking.
6. The ability to clean up pee, poop, vomit, and any other thing that comes out of a human.
7. Have enough love in your heart to cover for all the times you screw up like sending your kid to school dressed like they're 100 when it's really only the 99th day of school. And ice cream. You're gonna need the ability to buy lots of ice cream after pulling crap like that on your kids.
I'm gonna just stop at seven even though my mind was going on and on.
Then I asked her if the teacher gave them a list of traits teenage girls should have. She gave me a side-eye.
That's all I got. I feel a little better after writing it all down. It's too late to go back. On most days, I am doing the best I can and I respect parents everywhere doing the best they can. Sometimes it's hard down here in the trenches.
Below I have included a short video because it restored my faith in our parenting thus far. If our kid makes videos while doing math online and they are so funny I have to watch them like a billion times while still finding things to laugh about, then, yeah. I think we're doing it ok enough.
