Age Related Dementia

In November of 2009,  my mom passed away while my one year old daughter was in the hospital with a serious infection.  I vividly remember sitting on a hard hospital chair, holding a hospital phone, hearing my husband tell me that he had some bad news.  Minutes after he told me that my mom had had a stroke and passed away before she even got to the hospital, the nurse came in to take my daughter's vitals.  She said, "Is everything all right, honey?"  

I said, "No.  Not really.  Everything is not all right.  I just found out that my mom has passed away."

As my heart was breaking down, I tried to recall the last time we'd spoken by phone.  The last time I'd touched her face.  Had I known it would be the last time, I would have done it so differently.  

And this has stayed with me for nine years.

April 16, 2018

I said, "Do you know me?"

He said (definitively), "No.  I don't."

I read his face to see if he was teasing.  He was not.  There was no glimmer of recognition just behind his eyelids.  The corners of his mouth were not upturned ready to grin showing he'd fooled me.

So, I simply said my name.

Alarmingly, his expression became more confused.  He said, "No.  You couldn't be.  She's much younger."  

In another place and time hearing dad say this would have been funny to me.  But, I didn't laugh.  I have aged considerably.  And I knew this wasn't what dad meant, anyway.  I figured, in his mind, he was somewhere in 2010.

"Remember me?  I'm your daughter.  Your youngest daughter?"

I looked for any signs of memory on his face while trying to fight the lump that was welling up in my throat.

"I remember that I am always happy to see you," he said, taking care to enunciate remember.

We sat in silence for a little longer.  Suddenly a vision of dad riding his bike to work in the 80's came to me.  I think it must have been the sunshine and gentle breeze.  I'm not sure.

I said, "It's a great day for riding a bike."

He said, "Yes.  I suppose it is."

I said, "You used to ride your bike a lot."

"I did?"

I briefly wondered how he could forget that and then quickly regretted having brought it up.  "Yes, you did.  To work and back everyday.  A long time ago."

"Well," he said, "Your body changes and then you can't do the things you used to do.  My time is coming.  I'm going to die soon."

Sometimes the conversation with dad, halted and confused as it is, goes from topic to topic to death.

"Are you scared?

Emphatically, he said, "Nah.  Why would I be scared?  I'm going to see a lot of people that I've lost.  Your mom, and grandma and grandpa."

I couldn't talk for a few seconds.  Then I managed to say weakly, and not without my voice breaking, "Well...I'm going to miss you."

He said, "No.  You're not going to miss me.  You're going to be glad that I'm in a better place with people I've missed."

I seriously doubted this in my mind, but I tried to think of other things to keep from crying.

We stayed outside on the patio of The Memory Care Facility for about 20 more minutes.  I tried to soak in every second.  I held his hand tightly and tried to imprint his words, his face, his breath on my heart so that when he is gone I will have those memories to hold me steady.

Like every visit, I answered the same questions multiple times.  Where are we?  Who lives here?  Do I live here?  Will I be alone when you have to leave?  Where do you live?

Finally he said, "I'm ready to go inside now.  Can you wheel me inside?"

He rolled back inside with me pushing him just in time to start a game of bingo.

"Jesse!  You're just in time to play bingo!"  The staff quickly came over to wheel him up to the table.

He said, "No.  I don't want to play bingo."

"But, Jesse!  You love bingo!"  They said.

"I do?" he questioned.

With that I kissed him and held his face and told him that I had to leave, but that I would see him next time.  He said he loved me and thanked me for coming.

Walking out the doors I steeled myself.  If this is the last time, I am ready.  I will have the memory I need.  I will hold on to it until I can't remember it anymore.

It's weird. But, here's a list to make it all better.

I haven't blogged in three years.  There are a few new things.  Like:  I own chickens now (yes, real, live chickens).  And, I'm kind of an expert on googling medical conditions and diagnosing and treating myself (and others).  And, I have a flat-screen TV in my house.

And, yet, things really haven't changed all that much.  Like:  I'll probably publish this and then realize there are cringeworthy grammatical errors.  And, my kids still don't listen to me.  And, I still procrastinate like a mother bear.  And, I'm still a notorious list-maker.  And, I have a $hit ton to do today, so naturally I decided to log into my blog (which I have not felt compelled to do in...at least two years) and write a blog post.

What's weird is Facebook (which I'm currently hating) sends me notifications when I get new likes to my blog.  And, I've gotten likes lately.  So, part of me (the big part...like my muffin top) says - Facebook is a god damned lying piece of crap.  But, another part of me (the small, saggy part - like my boobs) says - thank you?  Why would you like someone who hasn't done $hit in three years?  So confusing.

Anyway.  I wanted to give you guys (I'm not even sure who I'm talking to - a lot like real life) a list as a token of my appreciation (kind of like the old days):

1.  I didn't think I could love a chicken, but I do.  A lot.  Three of them.  They are good girls, and unlike our crazy a$$ dog, they give us things that we can eat.  I'm excited to start composting again to start a black soldier fly colony to feed them (who am I?).

2.  My kids are now adultish.  Almost.  Well, three of them at least.  I still feed them and water them, but they are so self-sufficient (and tall).  And, despite my really just okayish parenting, have turned out to be quite decent humans.

3.  I am officially post-menopausal.  Despite what you may have heard, this is in no way a vacation from peri-menopausal.  It has its own set of beasts to slay.  Enough said.

4.  Around early 2016 Google didn't let me into my blog because I couldn't remember my password.  I have no patience for technology, so (as I remember, and my memory is like a sieve) I tried for about 10 minutes to work it out and then I decided to clean the fridge (or drink a beer).  And then I got hacked (by the Russians?) and I had to pay bitcoin to recover my documents and basically everything on my laptop, and then I got a new laptop, and by then I was too tired to try again to recover my password.  And then three years had gone by.  That's all true.  The other part of the reality is that for about two years I've been mildly sad/not quite myself/in a life rut/or trying to enjoy the moments of happiness too much to be bothered to write stuff down.

5.  I still run (a lot slower now).  I still do not want to do a marathon.  Or even like a 5K.  I still compose multiple chapters of my book in my head while running.  And I am currently addicted to The Moth Radio Hour podcasts to listen to while I run.  I cry a lot while running.  My neighbors still think I'm weird.

So, yeah.  That's it.  I really miss my internet friends.  I miss reading blogs.  So, I'm making a new goal today to do more writing and reading.  If it lasts as long as most of my goals, don't miss it!

It's good to write this down.  Looking forward to writing my first comment in three years on someone's blog today.  "xoxo" seems appropriate, although I'm not quite sure why.  Have a great Sunday!

Sometimes it's serious.

Posting over here today.  Thanks for the read.

I'm turning hippie but it's okay because my kid is already there.

It's been an enlightening couple of months to say the least.  Here's some of what's been happening. 

I am turning into a hippie.  Not the braless kind (you can rest easy now).  Just the kind that makes homemade $hit.

I know.  It's kinda weird.  But, don't judge (or at least hold it until the end).

I have stopped shampooing my hair.  Now, I'm only about five years late on this trend, but that's sooner than I jump on most bandwagons.  So, really I'm just in time.

Today this revolution of not shampooing my hair led to cleaning out my fridge which led to cleaning my freezer which led to discovering some meat that I swear had been in there for about three years so I'm gonna call it a win for all of us.

Yes, I have joined the "millions of women" who have said no to shampoo.  I consulted The Google and Say No To 'Poo is almost as scary and ineffective as Say No To Drugs.  All we need is Nancy heading us up (wait, is she dead?).  Had you told me a few weeks ago that I was going to do this I would have said, "Are you high?"  But, now that I am on Day 18 (more or less) it feels like I was born to do this. 

Now, usually I would say Who The F*ck Cares? and I am still inclined to say that - except for the fact that I CLEANED MY FRIDGE, Y'ALL.  And, not just half a$$ the way I usually do - y'know the wipe down while you are holding a cup of coffee?  (Or am I the only one?)  No, today was a full-on clean the freakin' fridge.  (Even the freezer - which happened to be where the suspect meat was hiding - right behind two gallons of ice cream preventing me from putting my homemade shampoo down.)

Which is more riveting for you and completely self-absorbed for me?  The fact that I am no longer shampooing or the old meat?  Okay.  I'll start with the no shampooing.  Yes, it's weird.  Yes, my hair feels like I am a short order cook for McDonald's.  Yes, I might smell a little funky.  Yes, I am still showering.  Yes, strange phenomena have been occurring all over my head.  And, it just gets crazier.

Today I made shampoo (right before I made fire and the wheel).  Say what?  Ms. DayInTheLife made shampoo?  Yes.  I did.  From coconut milk and Aloe Vera Gel.  Then I froze it (because - duh - coconut milk is perishable).  And that's where it got real.  I had no room in my freezer to put the ice trays with shampoo in them.  (If it sounds like I am high right about now, it's because I am.)  I decided then that it was time to clean out the fridge and freezer. 

Now here's the thing.  I hate to clean (a well documented fact on this blog).  I hate to clean appliances even more than stuff like toilets.  Exactly how much do I hate to clean?  Well, I'm gonna put the Last Cleaning Of The Fridge at somewhere around the time my six year old was born? 

See, I've been REALLY wanting a new fridge because this:

Yeah.  With that for a front it's just pointless to ever clean it.

Don't worry.  I keep all that yuck covered with this magnets like this:

Just like when a light is on on my dashboard and I put a little toy up there to cover it.  This method works like a charm.

But, because I needed to make room for the poo, I bit the bullet and cleaned that fridge out.  That's when I found the Old Meat.  It was liberating to throw that meat in the trash.  Heck, I don't even like meat now that I'm a hippie.  That made it even better.

And, now that the inside of the fridge is really, really clean and there is nothing in there that I didn't just buy (or make) this morning I am really feeling high (on life).  Oh, and also my earth friendly (albeit weirda$$) shampoo is in there for the next time I decide to shampoo my hair. 

Homemade shampoo in ice trays.  Did I just type that?

What could be better?  It's one of those days where I feel like I am making a difference for the world.

So, how does my kid factor into this equation?  Well, in the most unexpected way.

I got home from work last night and my six year old told me she made this for Jesus.

"It's a STAR."  (Obviously.  We knew that.)

Super!  Turns out I'm not the only one becoming a hippie in our family. 

In Which I Go To A Movie Theatre

I am not being paid by Disney to do this review, but really I should be.

Mr. DayInTheLife and I took two of our kids to see a movie last night.  We are not movie theatre goers.  So I am proud to say that if this is the only theatre movie we see in all of 2015, we made an excellent choice.

Why Seeing a Pre-Screening of McFarland USA Yesterday Evening With My Family Was The Best Decision I've Made Since Earlier Yesterday When I Ate a Whole Not a Half of a Cinnamon Roll


"McFarland, USA poster" by Source. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:McFarland,_USA_poster.jpg#mediaviewer/File:McFarland,_USA_poster.jpg

I encourage you to click the link, but if you are not inclined to do so here is the premise of the movie from The Google: 

 

Track coach Jim White (Kevin Costner) is a newcomer to a predominantly Latino high-school in California's Central Valley. Coach White and his new students find that they have much to learn about one another, but things begin to change when White realizes the boys' exceptional running ability. More than just physical prowess drives the teens to succeed; their strong family ties, incredible work ethic and commitment to their team all play a factor in forging these novice runners into champions.

 

1.  The boys' families in the movie are migrant workers.  Nearly all of our kids' grandparents were migrant workers at some point in their lives and just like the families in the movie they worked hard to ensure a better life for their kids.  I am not sure my kids knew what exactly migrant workers were until last night.  Now, they know.  Don't worry, I am not that naïve to think that a Disney portrayal of migrant life would nail it completely, but at least we are further along in the explanation than we were before the movie. 

2.  This movie borders on sappy a few times, but it is a great family movie that, unless you are completely heartless, will have you cheering.

3.  There is no sex, no violence, no drugs, and nothing really of questionable content.  And yet, it tells a pretty amazing story of perseverance in the face of incredible odds.

4.  I am an ex-teacher and I will always have a special place in my heart for teachers.  As rainbows and unicorns as this sounds, I truly believe teachers can change lives for the better.  Of course, there is the flip-side of that coin and I believe whole-heartedly in that, too.  This is a story in which the teacher/coach changes lives for the good.  And, yet (as you will see at the end of the movie when script is run about what happened to all the real life characters) life still happens and just because you are a high school phenomena does not mean you will not still make some poor decisions.

5.  I ran cross country track in high school.  I can't say this brought back any fond memories for me.  I mostly hated cross country track and I wasn't fast.  And, now I think you know I run because I love to eat.  Despite that, I thought about these boys today on my run.  I tried not to because I really hate sentimentality.  But I couldn't help it.  They made me not be so whiny in my head.  Me not whiny?  That's powerful stuff.

This movie made me happy.  It's the right stuff.  It's based on events that really happened that make for a great story.  It's about real people that worked amazingly hard and it paid off for them. 

McFarland USA premieres February 20.  Get yer' butts off the sofa and take some loved ones to see it!  You'll thank me after.

Didn't we do this already?

My kids are freaking me out.

I was at a conference the other day and the speaker said that middle school students and preteens behave a lot like toddlers.  Yes and yesser. 

I made you a list because I can't think about some of these things for too long or I think my head will explode or I will have to sanitize myself head to foot.

1.  Toddlers need their butts wiped.  My teenage/preteen bathroom is constantly out of toilet paper.  Until I replace it.  This begs the critical question:  How are they wiping their butts?

2.  Ditto for toothpaste.

3.  Meltdowns.  Toddlers meltdown because you won't let them play with sharp scissors.  My thirteen year old and preteens meltdown because I won't let them see The Interview.

4.  Food issues.  Toddlers just want to eat hot dogs and Polly Pocket accessories.  My teenagers just want to eat carbs and Lindt  chocolates.

5.  Clothing issues.  Toddler girls want to wear the Snow White dress everywhere.  All the time.  If you say no, see #3.  Teenagers and preteens have to do their own laundry and when there is no more underwear instead of doing their laundry see #3.

6.  Which brings me to Clean Up, Clean Up, This is How We Clean Up.  Remember that?  Toddlers hate it.  Usually it's like the Clean Up music cues #3.  Ditto for teenagers.  I tell them to do their chores and it's like I am saying, "Katy Perry is dead.  Now, move on with your lives." 

7.  Toddlers will make you a faithful follower in the religion of Reverse Psychology.  If you say, "Do NOT put that in your mouth," said item will immediately go in their mouth.  I scream to my teens, "TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN RIGHT NOW."  Immediately the volume raises a number.  Your sanity is called into question daily because you want to just say, "Y'know what?  PLAY YOUR MUSIC AT FULL VOLUME AND PRESS YOUR EAR RIGHT TO THE SPEAKER.  YOU WILL NOT BE DEAF IN A MATTER OF SECONDS."

8.  Pushing my buttons.  Scientifically based on my six years raising toddlers, they are born with an instinctive ability to know what will make you plumb crazy and they do it 24/7.  With a smile usually.  Ditto for teenagers/preteens.  Daily I say through gritted teeth, "Do not roll your eyes at me."  Usually this is met with another eye roll (add a smirk).

9.  Toddlers do this thing where they become limp in the grocery store.  Like a cat who has been given a sedative.  Teenagers do that same thing.  Often times in the morning when it's time to get up for school.  Or sometimes when they have to do #6 and they don't go straight to #3.

10.  I'm pretty sure it's based on science that toddlers can melt your heart in less than a nanosecond (and if you are not a rocket scientist, that's pretty damn fast).  Surprise, surprise.  Teenagers can do the same.

Aw!  Happy endings, y'all!  Turns out my teenager and preteens have not made me totally bitter yet.  I still have a heart!

I needed something else to do.

This is my brain on "serious."

Did you see the new badge in my sidebar?  I'm pretty excited about it.  My four kids, three jobs, and one husband have left me with plenty of time (and money) and I was looking for something to do.  Wait.  No.  That's not how it happened.

I was feeling somewhat depressed the other night while I was ignoring the pile of work on my desk and blog reading.  In the hopes that I'd won a Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, I decided to check my email one last time before heading to bed.  Better than a sweepstakes, I had an email from BlogHer about an opportunity to participate in an initiative called #womenslives.  After I did a little research into this project, I thought probably they had mistaken me for someone a bit more influential.  But, no.  I am a woman after all.  And, turns out, my voice matters.

#womenslives is an amazing venture.  SheKnows Media and Public Radio International are partnering to produce in-depth reporting about women and engage communities in discussions.  You can read more about its inception here.

This may seem like a crazy thing for me to want to participate in when my blog is mostly about putting my pants on one leg at a time and trying to cook a meal without the smoke alarm going off. 

Don't worry.  I'm not changing and to prove it I made you a list of why it's not really that crazy.

1.  They want me to contribute to the conversation!?  For once I did not have to complete an eight page application, or have my blood type tested, or hand over my 25 year old GPAs, or write down my ever dwindling income level.  Being a woman is what has qualified me.  How great is that?

2.  I am a quality news junkie.  I am addicted to NPR.  I shush people (mostly my own family) when I am listening to a good show.  Most of my sentences begin like this:  The other day I heard this show on NPR...

3.  Did you know only 24% of news stories are about women?  That's shocking news for a news junkie.  This project affects all women (and men).  If we can change that statistic (and more importantly, people's mindsets) by this initiative - I'm all in.

4.  This affects me.  I've been thinking a lot lately about my life choices.  I had a career and then I left it to raise my family.  Now I am trying to make a Come-back and it's not easy.  In the past six months I think I've read everything the Internet has to offer on How to Re-enter the Work Force After Taking Time Off to Raise Your Family and I can't help but think there's got to be an easier way.  Everything from decent affordable child-care, health-care, and career choices have taken the fore-front in my brain.  To complicate matters - it turns out the successful career I had is not really the one I want now and I'm not sure it was the one I ever really wanted.  I want my girls to be able to do this thing called work and family better than I have and with more support from the community. 

5.  This affects my family.  I have three girls (and one boy that will someday, possibly like a girl?  gah!) who I am trying to raise the best way that I know how.  I try not to, but I worry about all sorts of things when it comes to my girls.  Some days my thoughts hover around:  How will I protect them from date rape? to I hope they make wiser career choices than I did. to I hope they have great affordable child care and wonderful health benefits. to Are they getting the education they need?  Participating in expanding the news coverage on topics that affect women is something I can share with my girls and actually do because worrying is a waste of time.

7.  Sometimes when I hear shows from PRI about women I'm left with a feeling of wanting to discuss this more with someone or I'm left wondering What can I do?  Here's my opportunity and I'm pretty psyched about it.

There you go.  I'm looking forward to the discussions and conversations.  I'll be posting some articles here and over on the Day In The Life Facebook page that I'd like to share with you or better yet, discuss with you.  And I'll be tweeting about it, too.  Grab some coffee or a beer.  Change starts here, right?