Sunday, January 20, 2013

it's a short list

So, today I am a few years past my thirtieth and a few years closer to my fiftieth.  Yes, that makes me a little dizzy.  If you're anything like me, after a certain age you might not want to even celebrate your birthday anymore.  It's just kind of another day that you'd rather just slip by so that you don't have to face the realization that you are one day closer to your imminent death (yes, I am the epitome of optimism). 

But, hubby is really great at buying me gifts and celebrating.  And the kids start asking way in advance if I'm gonna have a party with a pinata (um, no).  Hubby asks me what I want a few weeks before my birthday and just buys what I tell him.  Romantic?  No.  Practical?  Yes.

This year was no different.  I had kinda gone overboard buying myself Christmas gifts so I tried to really keep it simple.  So, I got some low-key, but great stuff that I really wanted.  I got another really warm scarf in a fabulous color because we have been having cold weather down here in south Texas and I hate cold weather.  I got some funky earrings that I've been wanting.  I got a Pay Day from the Boy Child because he could afford that and he knows Pay Days are one of my guilty pleasures.  I got some wonderfully smelling stuff from Bath and Bodyworks.  And hubby has a great sense of humor so he wrapped everything up in this fabulous bright pink tote (with an amazing number of pockets) that we got as a free gift for donating to a charity and gave all the gifts to me in that.

But, (everyone always has a big butt, right?) here's what I didn't get that I really wanted.  I didn't put any of this on the list, but I'm telling you guys.  So, if you can, help a sista' out?

The Unstated Real Birthday List

1.  I want my boobs back where they used to be.  And, while they (whoever's gonna do this for me) are at it, I'd also like them a titch larger than they are right now.  Y'know just to help me get some attention when I need it?

2.  I want my hair not to do this weird thing it's started doing called:  Growing right out of the front of my head.  WTH?  Is that some sort of old thing?

3.  This one is kinda for women only:  I'd like to be On the Cycle Again or Completely Off the Cycle instead of just every 78 days, or every 14 days, or every 112 days, or anytime my body thinks it's time again.  Yeesh.  I am ready to say good-bye to fertilehood for good.

4.  I'd like to be able to remember shiz without writing it down.  It's kind of annoying to have a memory that is only three seconds long.  And I am kinda tired of Girl 1 always accusing me of having early onset Alzheimer's.

5.  I'd really love to be able to text without my bifocals.  OLD PERSON ON BOARD.  Yeah, that's me.  Yeesh.  Embarrassing and cumbersome.  Oh, and I'd like to be able to text as fast as a tween.

6.  I want the skin on my hands back.  I have developed in the past five years this weird old people skin on my hands and I don't really like it.

7.  These dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles on my forehead need to be cleared up.  (I'm thinking when they are working on my boob concerns they can just skip up to my face and fix that.)

8.  I'd like my acute hearing back from the 80's.  Now, I've never really had great hearing.  If you're a long term reader you know that one of my greatest fears is going completely deaf by my fifties.  So, I'd really just like to be able to hear.  Everything.  Like a superpower.  Or, just like a regular human.

9.  I'd like to be able to drink the amount of beer I want without it going directly to my belly in record time.  Remember the good 'ole days when you could stay out all night drinking and not feel any repercussions?  Yeah, I want those days back.

10.  And, just because I'm a stickler for even numbers.  I'd like to eat all the chocolate I want just once.  Doesn't everyone want that?

11.  Oh, and one more.  I'd really like to get the rest of my life figured out.  Seriously?  What am I going to be when I grow up?  (I'm sure hubby would like me to figure that out, too.)

So, friends.  Happy birthday to me!  Don't worry - I won't put candles on my cake.  Safety first! 


Raylea said...

Happy Birthday Lady! Thanks for the laugh this morning! I'll be asking for a few of these on my next Birthday!

Monica said...

@raylea - aw, thanks friend. wish you were closer and i'd give you a piece of my cake. :D xoxo

Shannon said...

Can I just borrow this list in about 10 months? Cause it all sounds frighteningly familiar. Happy Birthday Friend!

Marianna Annadanna said...

You lost me at "cold weather in texas". As a Canadian I am totally offended by that.

Happy birthday!

Monica said...

@shannon - i might have finally stumbled on a gold mine. SELL THE LIST! i think i'm rich. xoxo, friend. miss you already! @marianna annadanna - ha! sorry! i am from michigan, but my blood has thinned to the extent that i *might* be a lizard. it goes below 70 and i am frozen. :( please keep reading. i promise to be less offensive in the future. maybe. :D

Marylin Warner said...

I'm with you on everything on the list...except #3. That ship has sailed, but actually, it's very nice.
Happy birthday!

Nomads By Nature said...

Happy Birthday Monica! I was looking over your real list items and figured out that what you really do need is a pinata. A great big fat grim reaper pinata to beat the crap outta for aging payback. You'd be able to see it, aged hands can still take a great whack at it, you'd feel better and a smile is truly the best and cheapest facelift, over exertion will cause your hair to get that sexy wild look and stick just enough to your glowing cheeks that any stray hair elsewhere would be camouflaged AND the cold beer after would have already been burned up in the efforts. Plus you can stuff it with more chocolates under the same justification of prepaid calorie loss and maybe you'd discover that your true calling has already been answered: making your readers (and family of course) smile through the tears of their day's challenges. :) cheers!

Monica said...

@marylin - thanks for the read and comment. WAITING for my ship to sail. please tell me the hot flashes will go away for good? @nomads - i love you, bloggy friend. maybe a pinata is what i need. i love that. next year? i'll send you an invitation and maybe you can make it. :D

jamiew said...

maybe you could teach puppy or girl 3 to be your personal secretary so you won't have to write anything down, just dictate.
or you could just walk around your house dictating as if there is actually someone following you around writing down all the dumb sh*z you say, like i do.
happy birthday!

Shannon said...

If Nomads comes to your birthday party I will too!!! No matter where I am in the world, then after the party Namads and I will take you out to The Clear Springs Catfish Cafe (or as my kids call it Drunk Catfish Cafe) and have ourselves a huge basket of onion rings and some fried catfish! Yummy!

Monica said...

@jamiew - i really like the idea of wearing a headpiece like they do at old navy and just speaking into it all day long. @shannon - spoken like a woman who is starving. ;o) JUST KIDDING! i only say that because you TOLD ME you were starving. ;o) xoxo

Mind Margins said...

Happy birthday, Monica! I love everything on your list. It could be my own list, actually. I would add one more: Please make the skin on my face tight again. Naturally, no knives or anything. I don't even care about wrinkles, I just hate the mushy, saggy stuff that is starting to show up beneath my chin. So unfair!!!

Monica said...

@mind margins - i agree with you, but, i did say "it's a SHORT list." ;o) because really - i could have gone on forever. things are really changing up in my face area and a few other areas. i would love plastic surgery (if money was no object) except i really think i would be one of those people that get totally carried away and before you know it, i'd be having my toes done.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday! You totally stole my list!!!!! Oh, on the "reading texts" thing, my eye doctor just started me on new contact lenses, where one sees far and the other sees near. Now no one has to know that I'm getting old! Other than the wrinkles and gray hair stuff.

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - thanks, friend! i'm impressed with your ability to...walk and overall coordination. because i tried those contacts for about one day and after nearly killing myself on the stairs trying to negotiate the near/far thing i decided it might be safer to wear Old Person Bifocals? maybe i am the only one that suffers from No Coordination at all Disease? now i'm a little depressed.

Anonymous said...

So. Funny you should say that about the coordination. I took a major tumble this morning at school. Fortunately, the only person who saw was a substitute. I'm blaming it on the slickness of the sidewalk (it was drizzly this morning, I swear), not on my contacts. And certainly not on my high-heel boots.

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - ok. so, you know i think falling is really funny, right? you won't be mad if i tell you that i snorted when i read that? i sincerely hope you are ok. and, yes, i would blame it all on the drizzle (and there was fog here, too which i know makes me trip all the time). certainly NOT the fault of the contacts or heels. (or age.) we really must meet sometime. i feel we would be fabulous friends.

ummmhello said...

Happy birthday to you! Love the list, and when you find someone to turn back time on your boobs, send 'em my way, ok? My birthday is right around the corner!

Monica said...

@ummmhello - thanks! when i locate my boobs from the 80's - i'll let all of you gals know. ;o) happy birthday to you, too.