Sunday, June 20, 2010
Missing
Do you miss me the way I miss you? Does it hit you in the middle of the night, on a strange road in a strange town, in line in a crowded store? The missing piece of you? The hole that is healed, yet open in your heart? I mean, my heart. The look on that kid's face that reminds me of you. That suddenly out of nowhere has me thinking of you? That suddenly has my cheek wet with one solitary tear. For you. When I look at pictures I wonder what it is like for you. Or if it is like for you. The fresh clean smell that smells like you do? You did. Because that's how I miss you.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The Point of No Return
This is printed on a sign at Niagra Falls. Near the sign there is a short narrative about the people who have crossed that point. Some in barrels, some not. And as I would come to know many times: some just in their minds.
The problem with secrets is that once you know one there is no going back to the state of not knowing. As much as you might not want to know - once you know you cannot magically erase the knowledge. And, there is the troublesome fact that truth is stranger and nearly always more fascinating than fiction. If I told you the secrets that I know you would think I was making them up. If I made up some secrets to tell you, you might think I was taking them from my own life. So, here they sit in my brain. Some of them eating away at the very tissue that is my conscious, some of them providing worthy script for my numerous daydreams. When the burden of the secrets is too much, I must remember that they are your secrets, not mine.
The problem with secrets is that once you know one there is no going back to the state of not knowing. As much as you might not want to know - once you know you cannot magically erase the knowledge. And, there is the troublesome fact that truth is stranger and nearly always more fascinating than fiction. If I told you the secrets that I know you would think I was making them up. If I made up some secrets to tell you, you might think I was taking them from my own life. So, here they sit in my brain. Some of them eating away at the very tissue that is my conscious, some of them providing worthy script for my numerous daydreams. When the burden of the secrets is too much, I must remember that they are your secrets, not mine.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Evanescent
tending to become imperceptible; scarcely perceptible.
To you Life is a plan. As in What is the Plan? To me Life is a carefully designed and held box. Of memories. Both incredibly good and painfully bad. When we are here in the Present, it looks like we are together. But, I am hesitatingly unsure.
To you Life is a plan. As in What is the Plan? To me Life is a carefully designed and held box. Of memories. Both incredibly good and painfully bad. When we are here in the Present, it looks like we are together. But, I am hesitatingly unsure.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
I-35 on a Saturday
I am sitting on my toilet. The pain is increasingly more intense. I am beginning to doubt what the doctor said about "some cramping." Could there have been a mistake? Maybe the baby is not dead after all? He is rubbing my back saying quite desperately: What can I do? I don't know. Can anyone do anything? I think, for some reason, I am saying the Hail Mary. Then after what seems like days, but is only hours, it is over. I am back in bed. Left with not a soft bundle of baby, but with a nasty jagged place in my heart.
This is called a miscarriage.
This is not a nightmare. It is a distant yet distinct memory. My eyes are open and my cheeks are wet. I find I am awake. The highway is a parking lot and I am still stuck in traffic.
This is called a miscarriage.
This is not a nightmare. It is a distant yet distinct memory. My eyes are open and my cheeks are wet. I find I am awake. The highway is a parking lot and I am still stuck in traffic.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
How To Avoid Frantically Searching Through Six Bags of Birthday Party Garbage....
Explain to your six year old the value of jewelry before she takes it off and haphazardly places it somewhere.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Life Lesson #2
Read the recipe first and check to make sure you have all the ingredients. As a matter of practicality (and minimal frustration) this should be done before you actually start the recipe. I never follow this rule. Therefore things like these have happened to me many times in the past: I am fully prepared to make fried anything and don't have bread crumbs, I am well into making banana bread when I realize - oops - no bananas, I am making chocolate chip cookies and no chocolate chips, I am stirring sauce for lasagna and no lasagna noodles. This results in a few things: extreme frustration, lots of choice language, desperate calls to my neighbors, and sometimes, when those neighbors don't answer (or I am too angry to call them) a really strange concoction.
Fast forward to yesterday (does that make any sense at all??? I don't know I have only had one cup of coffee): I have been craving cranberry/orange bread for a few weeks now, and I have a really good, easy recipe for it. So, it's been on my to-do list for a while. Yesterday I finally got around to making it. I didn't check the recipe because I knew I had cranberries and I had bought 35 oranges about five days ago, so I just figured it was all good. Everything is cranking along nicely when I read, "Zest of one orange." Okay. I go to the fruit basket and rummage through about five apples and about 10 bananas and, what?????????? NO ORANGES??????? Then I remembered Malcolm cutting up an orange and popping it in his lunch box that very morning. Boo.
Well, long story long - I'd had a horrible morning to that point so I skipped calling neighbors. I still want friends, after all. So, I just left out the orange. Yeah. How good is that going to be? Cranberry/orange bread minus the orange. Hmmm.
So, let's take inventory on this situation and I will teach you another lesson (I know I am full of it this morning. Read and learn.) I made this cranberry/orange bread minus the orange (which tasted a bit like - I am sure you have already guessed at this point - BREAD..........with a few cranberries) at about 10:00 a.m. yesterday morning (a full loaf, mind you) and today there is one sad half of one piece on the counter. Sheesh. Life Lesson #3: Not eating meat leads to total and complete desperation in a family of 6.
That's all I got! ;o) Happy eating, my friends.
Fast forward to yesterday (does that make any sense at all??? I don't know I have only had one cup of coffee): I have been craving cranberry/orange bread for a few weeks now, and I have a really good, easy recipe for it. So, it's been on my to-do list for a while. Yesterday I finally got around to making it. I didn't check the recipe because I knew I had cranberries and I had bought 35 oranges about five days ago, so I just figured it was all good. Everything is cranking along nicely when I read, "Zest of one orange." Okay. I go to the fruit basket and rummage through about five apples and about 10 bananas and, what?????????? NO ORANGES??????? Then I remembered Malcolm cutting up an orange and popping it in his lunch box that very morning. Boo.
Well, long story long - I'd had a horrible morning to that point so I skipped calling neighbors. I still want friends, after all. So, I just left out the orange. Yeah. How good is that going to be? Cranberry/orange bread minus the orange. Hmmm.
So, let's take inventory on this situation and I will teach you another lesson (I know I am full of it this morning. Read and learn.) I made this cranberry/orange bread minus the orange (which tasted a bit like - I am sure you have already guessed at this point - BREAD..........with a few cranberries) at about 10:00 a.m. yesterday morning (a full loaf, mind you) and today there is one sad half of one piece on the counter. Sheesh. Life Lesson #3: Not eating meat leads to total and complete desperation in a family of 6.
That's all I got! ;o) Happy eating, my friends.
Monday, May 24, 2010
What started with a giant tricycle ended with a cell phone
And that would be this past weekend. What a hoot. We wound up at the Missions baseball game Friday night. PLAY BALL!!! I grew up the daughter of a serious baseball fan. My daddy loves baseball. I am a zero sports fan - which means I like NO sports (equally). But, I love, love, love being at a baseball game. It takes me right back to when I was a little girl and I love it. Any team'll do - cuz remember I hate sports! ;o) It's just the guy yelling, "PEANUTS, POPCORN,' the seventh inning stretch, singing Take Me Out to the Ball Game, the random balls that go out into the fans, the people watching, the crazy antics at semi-pro games, Henry the Puffy Taco (sorry you have to be from San Antonio to understand that). So, when we wound up at the Missions on my kids' school spirit night - I was happy. What made it even BETTER was that my crazy husband volunteered to ride the giant, trick tricycle to first base along with another mom and the assistant principal after the third inning. Oh, I couldn't wait to see it.
It was everything it promised to be and more. One of the players held onto Ed's leg so that he couldn't actually pedal the tricycle while our kids were screaming from the bench, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAD!!!!!!!!!!!" Then they squirted Ed mercilessly with a water gun as he attempted to ride this giant tricycle to first base. (The handlebars are loosened to the point where no steering is actually possible). The kids were screaming hysterically and I was having a pretty good laugh. The assistant principal won - which considering the kids still have two and half more weeks of school - I am thankful.
Saturday I was a proud parent day all around. Malcolm competed in San Marcos at Texas State University in a piano competition. Sofia rode in the city-wide bicycle rodeo (she gets that cycling skill straight from her daddy) downtown. It was a hectic, but proud day!
Saturday night despite all of us being exhausted - we decided to brave the BMX track. I packed us dinner and after church we headed out to the track to watch Malcolm race. He did really well for being up since the crack of dawn and out late the night before at the game. It had been a while since the girls and I had gone out to the track and it was really fun. I think Malcolm liked us being there to cheer him on because in the main event he pushed it and took first. It was a sight to see and we were proud.
Sunday brought big changes in our family. I succumbed to the pressure of the world and bought a cell phone. Malcolm (he's 8) promptly told me how to change my ringer and get to games (according to him that's 'very important'). It is proving to be a challenge and I am not really sure it's going to improve my quality of life, but we shall see.
The good news - the phone has a camera. So, I may actually be able to provide nice photos again of everything I am talking about. Don't hold your breath, though. If it's like everything else with this phone, I should be able to do it in about a year. ;o)
Good weekend to start what promises to be a crazy week. Hope yours was good and hope your week is great. :o)
It was everything it promised to be and more. One of the players held onto Ed's leg so that he couldn't actually pedal the tricycle while our kids were screaming from the bench, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAD!!!!!!!!!!!" Then they squirted Ed mercilessly with a water gun as he attempted to ride this giant tricycle to first base. (The handlebars are loosened to the point where no steering is actually possible). The kids were screaming hysterically and I was having a pretty good laugh. The assistant principal won - which considering the kids still have two and half more weeks of school - I am thankful.
Saturday I was a proud parent day all around. Malcolm competed in San Marcos at Texas State University in a piano competition. Sofia rode in the city-wide bicycle rodeo (she gets that cycling skill straight from her daddy) downtown. It was a hectic, but proud day!
Saturday night despite all of us being exhausted - we decided to brave the BMX track. I packed us dinner and after church we headed out to the track to watch Malcolm race. He did really well for being up since the crack of dawn and out late the night before at the game. It had been a while since the girls and I had gone out to the track and it was really fun. I think Malcolm liked us being there to cheer him on because in the main event he pushed it and took first. It was a sight to see and we were proud.
Sunday brought big changes in our family. I succumbed to the pressure of the world and bought a cell phone. Malcolm (he's 8) promptly told me how to change my ringer and get to games (according to him that's 'very important'). It is proving to be a challenge and I am not really sure it's going to improve my quality of life, but we shall see.
The good news - the phone has a camera. So, I may actually be able to provide nice photos again of everything I am talking about. Don't hold your breath, though. If it's like everything else with this phone, I should be able to do it in about a year. ;o)
Good weekend to start what promises to be a crazy week. Hope yours was good and hope your week is great. :o)
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