Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011, you were good...mostly.

Baby has decided it is in her best interest to nap today, so I have about 20 minutes - give or take.  Here is my list for 2011 and if it's cut short you know why.  My list is an eclectic Best Posts of 2011/Things I Am Taking From 2011/Things I Am Leaving Behind/Things I Learned/Other Random Crap Stuff Loosely Related to 2011.  Bear with me - it'll make you more patient.

1.  Lice is next to nuclear war in a list of Things I Might Not Survive. 
2.  Fund raising is not my gig.
3.  Turns out I am kind of a Comment Whore.  It makes me almost giddy when someone comments on something I wrote.  It makes writing on the Internet to no one in particular (besides my future self) kind of worth while.
4.  Turns out I may be addicted to reading other people's blogs.  Before I know it, hours have passed.  Laundry is still piling up, my prints will not do themselves, the food still needs to be cooked, the dishes still need to be done, but I feel a little closer (in a totally voyeuristic way) to someone I do not know at all and will probably never meet.  If that's weird, sue me.
5.  I pray that any remaining vestiges of KK's marriage and divorce, the Royal Wedding, and Steve Jobs' legacy stay in 2011.  But, I also understand that even God has limitations.
6.  I will no doubt ask Dead or Alive? of the following people in 2012:  Kim Jung Il, Heavy D, Andy Rooney, Amy Winehouse, and Betty Ford (yes, it's true - dead).  Let's face it, my memory is that bad.  If you didn't die a few minutes ago - I cannot remember if you are dead.
7.  I will for sure take my kids and hubby into 2012.  Please and thank you.  Oh, and I will take procrastination, too.
8.  The Catholic Church decided to change the words of prayers that I had committed to memory I think since the womb.  I am not sure I forgive them.
9.  Pinterest became like beer and dark chocolate for me.  It remains a "happy place."
10.  Hubby joined the rest of America and the majority of citizens in the developed (and undeveloped) countries on Facebook.  His life now revolves around status updates and I am pretty sure his IQ has dropped 10 points (JUST KIDDING, HUBBY).
11.  2011 was the year I propelled myself into this century by getting a smart phone AND using ear buds....shocking, but true.
12.  I retained my title of Potty Training Nazi by successfully training my fourth (and last - I am Catholic, but not crazy) child to pee and poop in the toilet.  Next my kids will be going to Harvard.
13.  Since I basically skipped my birthday in 2011 due to Black Lung, lice, and appliance issues, I have decided to have a kick a$$ birthday party in 2012.
14.  I remain riveted by world events, deeply concerned about the status (not Facebook status) of America, compassionate about my fellow human beings, and compelled to do my part to make this world a better place.  You just wouldn't know it by reading my blog.

That's my list.  I hate that it's an even number, but I hear baby stirring and that can't be good.  She may be potty trained, but she is still three after all.  Peace and I hope you are with people you love to ring in the new year.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

If you've seen my willpower, please send it home.

Here we are in that wayward time between Christmas and New Year's Eve when everyone is trying to: 1.  Clean the house (or, in my case, figure out how long you can go without cleaning the house before people get tired of stepping in goo, moving boxes around to eat, or wearing semi-clean underwear), 2.  Lose weight (just so you can eat without guilt in four more days), 3.  Figure out new electronics (in our case that would be a Wii - I know, not new, but new to us), 4.  Return Christmas presents you didn't really want and replace them with more crap stuff you don't really want do want, and 5.  Really just hang on psychologically until New Year's Day when you can let loose, be justified with all the looming resolutions you need to crank out on, and look forward to returning back to "normal." 

Well, I just wanted to check in with you during this sensitive time and let you know what I am dealing with (because, in the end, it's all about me).

1.  I am dealing with resisting tons and tons of sweets and chocolate.  I *might* be addicted to sweets and I *might* need an intervention and 12 step program.  Seriously.  I cannot resist all this sugar.  I am powerless against it.  Here is what stares back at me when I look in my kitchen (warning:  this list is a little obscene):  chocolate covered pretzels, an assortment of chocolate treats from a Hershey's bag, pecan sugar cookies, Christmas sugar cookies, fudge, cookies from the sweet neighbors delivered last night (because we didn't have enough), turtle pie (which is a little like heaven), Lindor chocolates, and some little green and red M&M's that are very handy and melt in your mouth not in your hands.  I have often justified eating all of these sweets by saying to myself that the sooner I eat them the sooner I will not have to deal with them anymore. 
2.  I am also dealing with lots of regular food that is not healthy.  Leftover ham (you know how much I love ham), chips of every variety, Chex Mix, and an assortment of nuts.  I justify eating this food by saying that it's healthier than eating all the food in #1.  Pretzels and Chex cereal are almost fruits and vegetables, right?
3.  I am dealing with wanting to drink lots of beer.  Partly because it's "vacation" and partly because the Wii has been running 24/7 since Santa brought it.
4.  Speaking of the Wii - I am dealing with it.  I am not a gamer, the music is annoying (but addicting), and I am not a gamer.
5.  I am dealing with the inability to exercise effectively.  This is largely (no pun intended) due to the fact that I have gained about 10 pounds and can no longer support the weight of my body.

So, in a nutshell (Which reminds me I am also tempted by a variety of nuts??? DID I SAY THAT???), if you find my willpower wandering around - SEND IT BACK.  I NEED it.  Please and thank you!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Countdown: Negative One. The After.

If you are reading this, you made it!  You survived Christmas 2011.  Congratulations.  As promised (due to the comments from three of my favorite faithful readers) I am going to bring you The After and a short list (because even though a picture is worth a 1000 words, sometimes 1000 words is just not enough).  It was an amazing Christmas (partly due to the amount of food I consumed and partly due to children who behave when surrounded by every toy they could possibly imagine).  So, here is the photo recap.

The wrapping carnage.


Some of the kids.  Now, amazingly, well behaved.


The brussel sprouts.  Yes, I said, "brussel sprouts" (see the note on that later because we are that hip).

The New Green Bean casserole.  See note on that later.


The tamales.  These are home made.  Yes, I ate one for you.  And, yes, it was yummo.


The ham.  Yes, my love for ham is a little obscene.


The children.  Again, oddly well-behaved.


One of the Presents of the Day.  An autographed copy of Eva Longoria's cook book (if you look closely you will see that she wrote, "To Monica - One of the best cooks I know and the inspiration for this book!" - or at least that's what it looks like she wrote).

Apparently my brother knows me better than I thought.  (As evidenced by this T-shirt he gave me.)


Ah.  Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are born into the hearts of mankind.  Let's see how long before they are evicted.
Now, for the list:

1.  I heard on NPR a while back that brussel sprouts are the new black.  And thanks to my nephew our family was hip this Christmas (the brussel sprouts were good, too).
2.  Again, my nephew and niece saved the day by bringing some tamales they made......with their hands.  What a relief to eat home made tamales on Christmas.  Thank you, Niece and Nephew.  You have guaranteed your lifetime invitation to our home for Christmas.
3.  Although my family (and by "my family" I mean "hubby") tends to be staunch traditionalists when it comes to holiday meals, I tried two new recipes.  Both were DELISH and you can find them here:

  • Hubby and my brother could possibly be the only people on earth that love green bean casserole.  I kinda think it's food porn.  BUT, this scrumptious recipe by Paula Deen was recommended by a friend (thank you, friend).  It is Paula Deen, so it consists mostly of cheese and butter (and a few green beans thrown in for good measure).  Hubby's only complaint (hubby is a freak) was that he prefers canned green beans.  Hello?  Food 911?  HUBBY NEEDS AN INTERVENTION STAT.
  • The other recipe was from another friend, but I found one to pass on to you that is just as yummy and the one I actually used (since I didn't want to risk my life by making another trip to the grocery store).  It is a Christmas morning recipe that can bake while you are opening presents.  The key there is to remember to put it into the oven at the crack a$$ of dawn, pre-coffee.  Note to self:  Next year do not rely on memory.  Make an actual note.
5.  As you might know, my list to Santa was kind of taken care of by me.  So, I was not expecting any gifts.  What I got were some AWESOME gifts.  My sister really took the cake (and this is NOT to say that I did not LOVE all the other gifts from my super great hubby, my sweet, sweet kids, my friends, and other family members) this year.  But, sissy gave me the above signed cookbook.  It's not that I cook, like to cook, aspire to be a great cook - or any of that.  I just have this thing about food, cookbooks, the Food Network, great restaurants, and anywhere I can see and enjoy great food.  So, really it was an AWE-SOME gift.  The other crazy thing she got me is a Christmas apron.  I know - totally dorky, right?  But, here's the crazy thing - I was in Hobby Lobby the other day and I thought, "I need a Christmas apron."  Kind of like when you see a great car and you're like, "I need a Jag."  So, now I have one.  Yay, me!  Oh, and YAY, sissy!  You totally earned your shirt that says, "My sister has the best sister ever."

So, that's my wrap-up.  I hope yours was grand, too.  It may be 2012 before I write again.  Depends on how well I can recover from the weight gain.  Peace!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Countdown: ONE. A New Tradition....Maybe.

So, if you have been living under a rock for the past week (or in Denial) - countdown is ONE.  IT IS THE DAY OF CHRISTMAS EVE, folks.  Since most of you might be doing any combination of the following:  1.  Fighting the crowds and chaos and doing last minute shopping, 2.  Working out in an effort to lose the 10 pounds you have gained since Halloween, 3.  Screaming at your kids Gently having to remind your kids every three seconds that Santa is still watching and could still move their names to the Naughty List, 4.  Frantically making homemade gifts to pass out tonight at your Christmas parties, 5.  Watching the clock to see when it is noon and you can break open the "merriment,"  6.  Or, just enjoying the season, I am not going to bring you a witty post and expect you to read it with interest and enthusiasm (you're welcome). 

Instead, I thought I'd start a new tradition on my blog.  (If it works and people like it - as evidenced by thousands of comments on what a creative person I am and how you love my blog and my new traditions - it will be a tradition.  If not, then consider this a "filler" and know that my next post will be way better.)  I thought on Christmas Eve I would show you a few "before" photos.  And then after Christmas I thought I'd bring you some "after" photos and we'll compare the two.
The tree.  And the presents.  Wrapped to the best ability - which is low.

The ham.  Waiting to be devoured.  That sounds dirty, and the way I love ham - it kinda is.

The children.  Ignoring me when I tell them, "SANTA IS WATCHING, $#%#-%$!!!!!"

The children.  Still ignoring me.

The tamales.  Don't judge.  They are NOT homemade.

The merriment.  For me.  Yes, I am cheap, but not easy.  ;o)

The Boy.  Trying to figure out if you can snort candy.

The cookies.  Decidedly it was easier to decorate nicely when I paid $25.00 and was provided all the proper tools.

Mary and Joseph anxiously awaiting the birth of Jesus so that the anger and bitterness of a nine month pregnancy will subside.



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Families with last names R-Z will have to wait until next Christmas.

Christmas comes on December 25th every year.  So, it's a little incomprehensible and unsettling why every year December 20 rolls around and I still have a list of 150 things left to do before the 25th.  It *could* have something to do with my procrastination abilities.  Like right now, for example.  I am supposed to be working on my annual family calendar - which was due to the printer yesterday.  The printer loves me so she gave me two extra days to finish (Family if you are reading this - I am sorry.  I $uck.)  So, I could be doing the calendar.  Or, I could be finishing paperwork from working today.  Or, I could be doing one of the prints in the pile of prints that lay taunting me on my desk.  Or, I could be mixing some cookie dough so that Santa's cookies will actually be ready before he comes down the chimney.  Or, I could be doing the rest of our Christmas cards.  But, I am blogging.  So, it goes.  When I am hard pressed to get things done I find at least 20 other super important things that are more pressing.  This list usually includes things like:  polish my nails, surf the net for random facts, examine the crises in the Middle East, attempt to begin a historical novel (I hate historical novels), reteach myself knitting, pin cool stuff on Pinterest, etc., etc.  THAT is the long reason of why I am bringing you a quick little list of:

Random Things You Might Need To Know Five Days Before Christmas

1.  It is harder to blog my one and only son's cherished birthday celebration than it is to do a procrastination blog.  Sorry.  I might get it done sometime before his 11th birthday.

2.  Consider this one a PSA freebie.  (You're welcome.)  Generally I am a fan of Christmas programming (Who doesn't need for their kids to watch Rudolph like zombies while they are frantically doing Christmas cards?).  This year I stumbled across what sounded like a great Christmas show my kids had never seen, Rudolph and The Flight Before Christmas (not to be confused with the traditional Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer).  Instead of zombie children and a nice break for me to get more Christmas crap stuff done, what I got were questions about:  fatherless children, sex before marriage, and living with only one parent.  Merry Christmas to me!  A trailer stating the following would have been super great.
"This show examines the life of a reindeer named Rudolph whose mother and birth-father had premarital unprotected sex one night during a 'flying fling.'  Little Rudolph goes in search of his birth-father who does not know his mother even got knocked up and wants nothing to do with him anyway.  Wolves which are evil and anti-Christmas decide to eat Santa and his reindeer.  All ends well when the chipmunk (Was it a chipmunk?  It's always hard to tell with animation.) decides that he has been a better father to Rudolph than Rudolph's own scum-bag father."
I personally want to thank ABC for teaching my three year old about vicious wolves that eat Santa and reindeer who father illegitimate children.  As far as a rating on this one - I'm not sure I was mature enough to watch it.

3.  My three year old displayed once again how she is headed down a path of destruction and demise when she refused to be a shepherd in the school pageant and insisted she was an angel.  Her reasons?  Shepherds are ugly.  Shepherds just watch Jesus' sheep.  Shepherd costumes are ugly.  Shepherds don't have stars.  Angels are sparkly.  Angels are beautiful.  She is an angel.  Blech.  Who are her parents???  Why can't they control her???

4.  Before my bedazzling cookie class, I made some extra Christmas cookies to frost and decorate later.  Later as in the next day or the day after that.  They have all been eaten.  Unfrosted.  Undecorated.

5.  And most sadly in my random list is the fact that families with last names from R-Z really get the shaft.  You guys probably won't get a Christmas card from me this year.  I go in order of my address book (yes, I still have one of those) and this year I got to "Q" and stopped.  I haven't started again and I doubt I will.  So, if you are a friend and you are a "R-Z," MERRY CHRISTMAS!  You got a post instead of a card - consider yourself lucky!

Countdown:  FIVE, my friends.  Peace out.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And the wax gets a shine.

Preface:  I had planned on getting back to you yesterday with all the skinny on M's gaming party, but I am going to bring you this post instead.  (A large part of yesterday was spent recovering from said gaming party because I am older than Abraham.)  As you know, I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast so when I have a great time and meet great people I have to blog about it ASAP or I will forget the entire incident.  I am fairly good at remembering my family, so that is why M's post is going to wait.  Thanks for understanding and I promise to make it up to you.

Last night was hubby's company Christmas Party.  If you are a regular you know that hubby works for a pretty amazing company that knows how to throw a Christmas party.  This year was just as great as last year minus The Janet Jacksonish Wardrobe Malfunction and the Not Free Coffee.  If you did not read that post - garter belts are a must and remember to pay for your purchases.  This year as an added bonus we did not get pulled over!  So yay us!

I have not had a decent night's sleep in weeks, so I am just going to give you a list entitled:

Not Your Regular Office Christmas Party

1.  I wore a dress I got from Goodwill. 
Did it work?  You be the judge.
2.  I got to see hubby in a suit not his scrub-like get-up.  He's a hottie everyday.  He's a Hottie when he wears a suit.
3.  We spent six hours sans children.
4.  The Owner of the Company took time to chat with people in a genuine way.  Not only is he great  for keeping hubby employed so that we can all eat and stuff, he is also great because he said he "enjoys my blog."  (That's not really a direct quote because my mind is a sieve - but it's close enough.)  Say what?  Yes.  Apparently the Owner of a COMPANY has read my blog.  Sa-weet!  Merry Christmas, Owner of Company!
5.  We sat next to a lovely couple, Fred and Ginger (Names changed to protect the innocent.  I think I changed their names.  You know I am REALLY bad with names).  Here's why they were lovely:
  • They had four children as well, so they understood the excitement that comes with being away from home for a company Christmas Party (or for any reason for that matter).
  • .When they asked if I "worked outside the home" they did not use any acronyms.  Nor did they shrink back awkwardly when hubby explained what I do.  By the way, what do I do?
  • When I told Ginger I did not enjoy dancing but did enjoy chair dancing, there *may* have been some confusion around the table about the critical differences between chair dancing and lap dancing.  Then when I explained (don't worry - not in detail) what I meant, instead of thinking I was a total nut, she laughed.
  • Hubby and I doing the fish hook move (or was it just me?) *may* have gotten Fred and Ginger on to the dance floor. 
6.  Hubby got an attractive murse as a Christmas gift.  With his name on it.
Hubby, is that you? 
7.  I got four drink tickets because hubby doesn't drink.  Please and thank you, hubby!
8.  I got to eat food that I didn't have to cook without the interruption of four small people incessantly asking me for crap stuff.
9.  Virginia (hubby's supervisor) was hubby's dance partner for the dance competition, not me!  I am one body part from neck to knees, so dancing is not my friend (see #5).  Hubby, on the other hand, is Plastic Man from the 70's.  Sadly, they did not win the dance competition.  It was not for lack of trying.  Awesome dancing Virginia and hubby!
Hubby doing the "warm up" to the competition.
10.  The incident with the Brazilian Wax won hubby the Mr. Clean Award!  Yes!  Not only did Hubby's ironic naivete make great blog fodder, it paid off for us! 

That's my list bloggy peeps.  I can really only think of one thing I don't like about hubby's company Christmas party.  It only comes once a year.  Countdown:  Seven.  Happy day!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Because I don't have enough to do...

I decided to go to a cookie decorating class tonight.  Here is what I made:
Here is what I learned:

1.  It is harder than it seems.
2.  There is an art to making a simple straight line.
3.  All those fancy balls are called, "dragees" pronounced dra-ZHAY.  Although, I am not sure that's how I heard it pronounced tonight.  It is a French word that means, "small balls."  I'm not sure that's correct either.  But it sounds good and might be helpful information should I ever go to France.
4.  There are dragees that are actually edible jewels.  They cost a lot of money and I have two in this box.  One of them is purple and looks like the Queens' jewels.
5.  I can bedazzle the hell out of a cookie and I tend to get a little carried away.
6.  The dragees although beautiful are hard on the teeth and baby might have to have oral surgery after eating one of these cookies.
7.  All dreams of opening a cookie shop and becoming famous and rich were dashed tonight when I realized it is actual work....and I may not be a "natural."
8.  Vodka is the perfect solution in which to mix drawing glitter for painting the cookies.  It is also good to drink some straight while decorating with small balls.  I don't think it was allowed tonight so we used water.
9.  The next class I am going to sit closer to the over achieving girl who was clearly a professional cookie decorator.  That way I can photograph her cookies and post them to my blog.  JUST KIDDING...........kind of.
10.  The next class I will also bring my vodka with me in order to be fully prepared.

I hope you find some time to procrastinate and do something wildly fun and not on your list.  And, don't be afraid to throw some small balls and vodka in there, too.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

M.'s Terrific 10th Gaming Birthday Party Update!

Just checking in to give you an update on the birthday party set to happen this Friday (And, Mother Nature - if you are reading, I am giving you plenty of time to change the forecast to sunny.  Please and thank you.)

I decided to try on my own to create a birthday invitation similar to the one I saw online that cost $17.00 for the template alone (then you still had to pay for printing).  I think you know that I am the anti-computer literate gal, so after about two hours of Publisher I had this.  It came out pretty good (I couldn't get a good shot of the invitation, so just know that it's much cuter IRL).


I had them printed because my printer just couldn't do them justice.  Total cost - about $15.00 for 20 invitations.  M. loved them, so it was worth it.  The treat bags are coming together, but I will have to post pictures of them later because I haven't made the angry bird bags yet.  But, these yummy cookies are going inside as one of the treats along with Angry Bird Silly Bandzblack barrels-o-slime, and snap-n-glow stick lollipops



Pinterest is being a pain today, so I am unable to upload these cute babies to my party board.  :o(  Hope to have them pinned later.  They are not quite as cute as the ones here that I was trying to copy by following her directions, but pretty darn good for a cookie novice.

That's it for now.  I am soooooooo excited - it kinda seems like it's my birthday.  But, I sometimes set myself up for disappointment by getting my hopes high, so I am trying to keep the whole thing in perspective (yeah, right - who am I kidding?).


Happy days and I'll check back in soon with the "finished product!"

P.S. - Finished these today! 

angry bird treat bags

 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Dear Santa, Would it be too much to ask?

Every year, typically around the 16th, I get asked what I want for Christmas.  This is usually after all the cookies are baked and decorated, presents are bought and half of them are usually wrapped, school Holiday parties are attended, recitals are done, Christmas clothes are purchased (and if we are lucky - matching!), tamales are ordered, cards are sent (well, mostly), token gifts for the neighbors are ready to be passed out (If you are a neighbor reading and you don't get one of those, remember: this blog is mostly true.) etc., etc.  And my usual answer is:  I have everything I want.  Oh, vomit, right?  So, this year I decided to veer greatly of course.  Without being prompted about two weeks ago, I made and submitted (To hubby - I don't fully trust Santa because he wears those shiny, white gloves.) this list:

(Carefully not numbered to avoid sounding greedy.)
  • bras (Because when do we, as women, not need those?)
  • panties (Ditto and preferably not edible or crotchless - ew!  Sorry.)
  • a Keurig coffee maker (No, I don't already have one of those.  If you would like an address to make donations to make this a reality - let me know!)
  • make-up that is not crusty because I am pretty sure that's not how make-up is supposed to be
  • slippers - the warm kind with animal bodies (Not real animals - don't call PETA.  Although, since I have never tried the real animal kind I cannot really speak against it.)
  • a nice, big purse (one that holds snacks, feminine products, deodorant, cologne - that I'm getting - a styling brush, a spare pair of panties - FOR THE KIDS, wipees, etc.)
  • cologne
  • work-out clothes
  • new pajamas
  • fashionable boots
  • a winter coat
  • a stapler that I don't have to smack each time I staple something
  • a decent pencil sharpener (yes, I still use pencils)
  • a lot of James Avery jewelry
  • accessories (any kind, really)
Even now as I look back at this list I am surprised at how shocking it is - to me.  Now, here's the part that is really shocking.  I have purchased nearly everything on the list already!  Shame on me!?  Possibly.  I am still thinking about it.

But, here's the REAL reason for the post.  Sorry.  I am in a meandering sort of mood.  THIS is the list that is not being submitted because it is truly too much to ask..............for even SANTA with his white, shiny gloves.

(And yes, I numbered this one so that just in case Santa is one of my blog readers he won't think I am too greedy.)
What I Would Really Like for Christmas

1.  Sleep.  Like for a long time.  Till I am ready to get up.  AND THEN, no talking until I have had as much coffee as I would like (Keurig coffee or Starbucks).  AND THEN, my breakfast brought to me.
2.  Weight loss without exercise.  I really hate exercise. 
3.  A call from a publisher offering me a million dollar advance on my parenting book..
4.  Calorie-less beer that tastes great and actually combats bloating and aging.
5.  A personal bartender (that looks like Johnny Depp and brings his own liquor - because liquor is not cheap).
6.  A personal assistant who while doing all my crap for me also teaches me how to do it for myself (kind of like the whole teach a girl to fish thing) so that I can eventually say goodbye to him (cause personal assistants are a little creepy) and voila I am an assistant to MYSELF.  And if this person could make me crafty and able to do all home improvement that would be great, too.  (AND if he has to look like Johnny Depp, too, that's cool).
7.  To be like Samantha from Bewitched and have all the Christmas decorations put themselves away after Christmas by just crinkling my nose or snapping my fingers.
8.  Ditto for making my kids behave.
9.  World peace (See Santa - I am not a total schmuck.)
10.  Big boobs and flawless skin (Okay - maybe I am.)

I've been mostly nice this year, so we'll see how it all works out.  Update on the 26th.  Be merry, friends!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Turtle Wax? No, I'll take the Brazilian.

So, just in case your to-do list looks like mine - I have a little Christmas hilarity for you.  I feel compelled and completely justified putting that in LARGE letters.  Take a time-out from your shopping, card writing (If you need my address - leave a comment.), baking, eating, and drinking heavily (non-alcoholic, of course, it's still before 12:00).  Grab a cup-of-joe and read on.

Backtrack to a few days ago (it took me that long to stop laughing and find the laptop under the load of Christmas crap decorations that are covering all the freaking tables in my house) when hubby was out seeing patients with his supervisor (to be referred to as Virginia - name changed to protect the innocent).  Often when he is out seeing patients, the TV in the house is on.  On occasion hubby will tell me about something he "saw on TV while at a patients house."  So, I wasn't really fascinated when he started telling me about seeing a spot about "waxing" on The View.

I think my exact thought was, "Oh, really?  Fascinating."

UNTIL he said (quite nonchalantly), "Do you know what a Brazilian wax is?" 

Now, at that point many things (none of them fit to print) went through my head, but what I managed to say was:  Ah, yes.  Why?  (NOT entirely wanting to know.)

Hubby:  (Now giggling and sporting a grin like a teenager.)  Well, I didn't.

Me:  YOU DIDN'T???  Oh my GAWD.  What exactly happened?  Did they do a BRAZILIAN WAXING ON THE VIEW???

Hubby:  Well, no.  Not exactly.

Me:  WELL WHAT EXACTLY?  DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BRAZILIAN WAX IS NOW?  WHY AM I FRIGHTENED FOR HOW THIS STORY ENDS??? 

Hubby (Now giggling a little more.):  Well, yeah.  I think I know now.  Virginia explained it to me.

Me:  Oh God.  Tell me no.  What happened exactly?

Hubby:  Well, I could just hear the TV.  And I HEARD that they were talking about waxing on The View and like I said I didn't really know what Brazilian waxing was.  So, I just assumed they meant like waxing.  Like waxing a car.  So, when I happened to actually look over at the TV, there was like I guess a commercial.  And it was a guy waxing his car.  So, I said (out loud), "What's a Brazilian wax?"

Me:  YOU SAID IT OUT LOUD TO EVERYONE???  WHAT DID THEY SAY???

Hubby:  Well, no one really said anything.  So, I kind of figured they didn't know either.  And, then grandma kind of smirked.  So, then I said, "Is it like a really special kind of car wax?" 

Me:  Oh, please.  Tell me you didn't.

Hubby:  (Now laughing quite out loud.)  Well, yeah.  I did.  Then everyone started laughing pretty hard.  Then Virginia said while chuckling, "I'll tell you later, it's not really appropriate to talk about right now."

Me:  Oh my God.  WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN SHE SAID THAT???

Hubby:  (STILL LAUGHING.)  Well, I figured it wasn't a special kind of car wax!!!

Later, after they left the patient's home, Virginia told hubby the barest (no pun intended) definition of a Brazilian wax.  I had to complete the picture (not literally because that would make me and you vomit) for him right then as he was telling me the story.  As soon as I had filled in the details (so to speak) for him we were both laughing so hard it was impossible to continue talking about how horrible the situation had been. 

Here's what makes this story so great:

1.  Between hubby and me, I am decidedly the naive one.  So, score one for me.
2.  I stick my foot in my mouth on an almost daily basis, while hubby is just known all around as a jokester/prankster/middle school humor man.  So, he constantly reminds me of times when I have inserted said foot in mouth.  Bring it on, hubby.  You will be hearing about this fo'eva!
3.  It's just damn funny and I cannot resist a good laugh. 

I know, so junior highish.  Sorry.  I blame The View.  Happy shopping, and if you are out and about and decide to treat your car to a Christmas wax, don't forget to ask for the BRAZILIAN!

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